2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Who of you has not dreamed of a wonderful, calm and joyful life, where there is no place for conflicts, everyone understands each other, or at least are able to resolve differences exclusively in a peaceful way? Nice picture. Is this possible in reality? Hardly. Conflicts still happen from time to time, even with the most intelligent and conscious people.
What to do?
Let's try to understand this topic.
Conflict in itself is neither good nor bad. Both the feeling depends on what the parties to the conflict do with it and after it. You can tell how it is used.
Since people are different, sometimes very different, then the boundaries are different, this can be clarified, including through conflict. Borders are what is possible, what is not possible with this particular person. It's good, of course, to try to discuss everything in advance, negotiate, spread straws, so to speak. This is important to do. But in nine cases in a row it will help, and on the tenth it will not. There will be a conflict. Reality often destroys the most beautiful schemes and theories, especially the "ability" to foresee everything in advance. This is a reality in which other people do not read our thoughts, do not know what we want, do not want to take care of, if not to say about it. Even if they love, they do not know, they may not guess and, in general, are not obliged to guess.
It is clear when new people and new relationships appear in our life, often we are more careful with each other, gradually we learn what a person loves and what it is better not to talk about, but those people whom we know well and for a long time also change. It depends on external and internal reasons.
External such, for example, a person watched a film, read a book, learned something new and it impressed him, experienced a new experience.
Internal, such as age-related changes, hormonal changes and fluctuations, reflections, memories, vivid dreams, got sick, recovered, and so on.
This changes our perception of ourselves, our boundaries, changes relationships and therefore conflicts can arise.
The second common cause of conflicts, although it is also related to the first (the theme of boundaries), is blind spots or zones, psychological trauma. Everyone has sore spots, there are those that a person knows about and protects them, he can talk about them, warn them, but there are still invisible ones and a partner, a close friend, a parent, a lover, anyone who comes closer than a business relationship can accidentally get there, poke, and it gets. It will happen and conflict will happen. A conflict has already flared up: - Why are you poking my sore spot with all your might ?! - Yes, I didn't know. (- Yes, I myself did not know that there was a wound.) The last phrase is in parentheses, because more often it is not voiced and not even realized.
And in sweat, blood and powder dust, after these battles, everyone decides for himself what to do with this new information, new knowledge about himself and others. He can get closer, protect, take time to think and understand himself, grab onto his favorite traumatic scenario and feed his neurosis and his partner (in Karpman's triangle, for example, this is a scenario where there are successive roles of aggressor-victim-rescuer) or grow up, grow up, feel, realize your boundaries, the boundaries of another, and then you can feel grief from the collapse of expectations or something else, from the destruction of faith in your omnipotence and the omnipotence of another, or you can experience joy and relief.
For some time now, conflicts have ceased to scare me. They are part of life. Conflict is not what I'm aiming for, but if you think of a conflict as a message, there is a benefit to it. There is a lot of use and it can be extracted. To learn how to benefit from conflicts, additional resources are needed, long-term psychotherapy helps to find them. And now there is enough strength and energy, how does it look?
For example, my responsibility, what to do next, after the conflict, my decisions, and there is always a second party with its responsibility and decisions. Remembering this is seeing reality. My experience of anxiety and rejection (the horror of an abandoned small child, which adults relive at some moments) is also my responsibility, as well as the ability to move away from what hurts.
And the other has his own responsibility.
There is no room for manipulation in this way of dealing with conflicts, and I especially like it.
Glory to the conflicts! Sometimes this is the brightest and fastest way to check the life route and the choice of travel companions. Sometimes it hurts, well … It hurts, and it is pleasant for the living, and whatever else, only the dead do not feel anything, they do not care, everything is the same.
So that the conflict does not turn into a bazaar scene, with sufficient awareness of the participants, it can be turned into a clarification. Marshall Rosenberg's model of nonviolent communication helps in this.
Nonviolent communication consists of four consecutive steps.
First step: observe without evaluating.
At this stage, you communicate the fact as neutral as possible, which was the reason for the conversation.
Second step: feel without interpreting.
At this stage, you communicate your feelings to the other person.
Third step: needs, not strategies.
Express the need behind the feeling that drives you.
Fourth step: requests, not demands.
Make a request in which you specifically state what you would like at the moment. Whether this statement is a request or a demand depends on whether the person you are contacting can say “no” without deteriorating the relationship or whether he should take into account your possible dissatisfaction.
And now a few questions to which it is useful to answer yourself on the topic of conflicts.
Do you remember the cases when the conflict brought you closer to another person, helped you get to know each other better, get to know yourself better?
Do you manage to find a resource in unpleasant situations?
Do you know how to extinguish the conflict and remain in your dignity?
Do you know how to clarify in a conflict?
Do you manage to go through the conflict to a new level of relations?
If you feel that you want changes in this or in other topics in your life, you can seek help from a psychologist.
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