2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Diane Barth, Clinical Social Worker, explains why our brains tend to focus on negativity and how we can benefit from it.
“Whenever I’m glad it’s going right, something bad happens,” says Jane, a successful 30-year-old woman who has just been promoted at work.
“I can't believe I got it all done,” says Brian, a successful doctoral student who recently received a major research grant. "But, of course, tomorrow I will be overwhelmed with work - just imagine what awaits me in the laboratory."
“I prepared everything perfectly for the wedding,” says Melanie. "But I directly feel that something is going wrong."
“My wife says she loves me,” said George, “but she never says anything good to me. Listen to her, so I always do everything wrong."
It seems that all four heroes definitely have something good in them. So why aren't they enjoying their success? Why are they always looking for the bad? Why can't they notice the good and enjoy it?
If you also suffer from this, but could not understand what was the matter, now I will reassure you. According to research, focusing on the negative is a completely normal phenomenon for adults, called "negative bias." That is, most adults tend to pay more attention to negative information or experiences than to positive things.
Because of this negative bias, we often find ourselves unable to enjoy life. By the way, this is why there are so many tragic and terrible facts in the news - the negative immediately attracts our attention. Whereas good news alone won't get you very far.
But there is also a good thing: focusing on the negative helps us protect ourselves from danger. A study based on the behavior of younger children found that children who were aware of the various dangers of the world by 11 months were better protected.
By the way, another study showed that the older we are, the more attention we pay to good, positive things and know how to enjoy them. "Compared to younger relatives, older people pay more attention to positive information and remember it better." This is due to the fact that older people have a completely different system of motivation in their heads.
Indeed, when we are young and want to make our way to the top of life, we celebrate things that might prevent us from doing so. And as we get older, even though illness and death are approaching, we begin to feel safer, because we know that we can control some processes and are able to solve problems. And then we can relax and - yes - pay attention to positive and enjoyable things.
But is it necessary to wait for old age to start enjoying life?
Of course not. But we will need to make some effort.
Here are 4 things to help you bring a little more positive energy into your life without turning into a completely carefree dragonfly.
Allow yourself to talk about bad things if you need to.
By now, you know that focusing on the bad is part of the program that works to protect us. So, if, for example, you were offered a new job, and you sit and think about what the disadvantages might be, do not rush to scold yourself for pessimism. You may enjoy this job, but you have to weigh the pros and cons in the end!
Look for balance.
A colleague of mine once wrote on her blog that couples who regularly fight but maintain a negative-positive balance live happily ever after. Yes, they can be unhappy with each other and report it, but at other times they praise each other - and the balance is restored. The same goes for work, career, friendships, relationships with children and other family members.
Control your thoughts and behavior.
Just watch yourself. At what point do you plunge into the abyss of negativity? Often we are completely unaware of how our repetitive behavior leads to the same painful emotions. Try to capture such moments! For example, you constantly criticize your child or partner - and this leads to fights. Try stopping the next time before the words fly out of your mouth and phrase your thoughts differently.
Perhaps mindfulness or meditation techniques, honest and open conversation with loved ones, or psychotherapy can help you. This will make it easier for you to control unwanted words and behavior even before it happens. Sometimes the simplest things can work! For example, try praising your child or partner five times after you've criticized one of them once.
By the way, this is exactly what happened to George (you read his statement at the very beginning). Despite the fact that he complained that his wife never praises him, but only scolds him, after a frank conversation with her, he realized that he also constantly criticized her. He began to follow his poisonous comments, began to seek out good things for which he could thank and praise her. At first it was hard for him, the compliments sounded unnatural and strained. But after some time, the balance of negative and positive in their couple began to level out, and George realized that their relationship with his wife had become much better, moreover, she also began to say pleasant things to him more often.
Try to understand what is causing your constant criticality.
No, I am against blaming your parents for everything. But still, try to analyze which of their fears and worries could be passed on to you. Jane, for example, remembered that when she was a little girl, her mother constantly assured her that nothing terrible would happen - even if something really unpleasant was brewing. “I knew it was going to happen,” says Jane, “and it was important for me to be prepared for it.”
As a result, Jane realized that her mother did her best to calm her down, although she herself could freeze with horror. But in fact, the girl needed something else: it was important for her to know that even if the problem appeared and it was real, there was no need to stick her head in the sand, she needed to try to find the strength to solve it. "Now I am an adult woman on her own, and I have the strength and ability to solve problems - I no longer try to pretend that they do not exist, but I also do not torment myself with terrible thoughts."
The ability to focus on negativity is invented by nature in order to protect us from pain and danger. But we need to fix the moment when this ability creates us much more pain than it could be in reality. Balance is always needed!
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