Establish A Dialogue With The Manipulator. The Main Types Of Manipulations

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What is manipulation? This is when a person wants to subconsciously satisfy some of his physical or emotional need, but cannot speak about this need directly.

Manifestation of manipulation is as follows: since a person is driven by the motivation to achieve something from another, for example, to satisfy the internal deficit of one or another feeling, the manipulator utters words that imply a push to action for the manipulated one.

In this article, instead of stigmatizing the manipulator as a cowardly and cunning villain, I propose to learn to see manipulation as a cry for help. Any manipulation, including those that I will talk about today, is a person's inability to directly communicate their needs due to a number of emotional trauma. After all, each of us is to some extent a manipulator.

Understanding that you are being manipulated can ease the suffering of the manipulating party and help initiate an open dialogue based on genuine concern for the other person's interests. The very realization of the manipulation will help you become compassionate and find common ground without resorting to emotional abuse as a defensive reaction in return.

Manipulation # 1. Positive as a cover

“I see that you tried very hard to photograph beautifully; but you yourself understand that you have room to grow. Thanks for the effort, though!”

You've probably read comments on the Internet, where a commentator disguised as an indulgent teacher guides another person on the right path. Unsolicited criticism disguised as a benevolent message is a common manifestation of this type of manipulation.

In such a comment is the latent need for the commentator to assert his own significance. Driven by self-dislike, the manipulator rushes to point at the logs in the eyes of others. If you want to know more about this dynamic, take an interest in the projection engine.

Manipulation # 2. Depreciation

"Where are you going to do vocals in your 30s."

"I just think rationally."

"Face the truth."

This manipulation is common in relationships between family members and friends. For example, the rivalry between girlfriends finds a way out under the guise of caring. This kind of manipulation is especially common in relationships between people who work in the same area or seek to realize similar goals. A person who is afraid of the success of loved ones tries to maintain his comfort by calling for "rationality" and returning the "dreamer" to harsh reality.

Behind the words of such "truth-tellers" is the fear of finding oneself in a disadvantageous position, fear of being realized, self-doubt, inability to live in accordance with their unique and amazing talents.

Manipulation number 3. Indirect handling

When we feel that our importance is being infringed, but are afraid to tell the "offender" about our true needs in person, we can turn to another person within sight and hearing of our real addressee.

For example, we may begin to loudly resent the closed window of the cash register in the bank, while sitting in line, or in a depreciating tone to find fault with a doctor who is late for an appointment, referring to a patient sitting next to him.

Such maxims reflect the inner desire of a person to put things in order and restore justice - and to fundamentally affirm that his presence is significant. We grow up in a society where the pursuit of self-worth is condemned as ambition and selfishness. In fact, the desire to understand that you are important, and the awareness of your own greatness (NOT artificial exaltation) through communication with other people is a natural need for a person - a representative of a social species. After all, it was the human desire to improve the quality of life through striving for greatness that was the engine of progress!

Sly manipulation can be dictated by a lack of attention in childhood, a person's inability to express their negative emotions in an open manner, and a subconscious fear of a superior authority (closely mixed with the desire to have power). By entering into a coalition with a third party, which is based on unity against the person whose attention is really needed, the person feels that he belongs and tries to protect his psychological well-being.

If this mechanism is familiar to you and you want to know more, google "triangulation in psychology".

Manipulation number 4. Fighting contradictions

"Look how fat I am: I don't get my pants wet at all!"

The most obvious of the manipulations given here. In other words, I say something bad about myself, hoping that the person next to me will correct me, assuring me of the opposite.

By resorting to such manipulation, we drive ourselves into a dead end: now we are in the care of another person, completely transferring a sense of our own worth into his hands.

Manipulation # 5. Blow with truth

A person who cuts and injures you to pieces, while at the same time declaring: “But here I am so honest” - we have all met such characters.

A man who cheated on his wife, but prefers to take off the burden of guilt, presents her with his virtue, relishingly describing the details of the betrayal.

Deliberate honesty and benevolent truthfulness are two different things. By showing benevolent truthfulness, a person is able to feel the emotions of another person and express concern for him, accepting his interests as part of his own. In a scenario where one person bombards another with the truth, the bombing is motivated by the release of pressure, which a person burdens himself with in the event of an act undesirable to his culture. Caring for loved ones and for oneself, as opposed to exclusive caring for oneself, is what distinguishes a benevolent partner from a manipulative “truth-teller”.

Manipulation number 6. Self-deception

We turn to self-deception when it becomes necessary to preserve the image of a “good person”. Through self-deception, we mentally rationalize behavior that hurts the other person.

There is a double standard here: as a judge in his own court, the verdict is softer.

What to do when you feel manipulated?

Reveal manipulation and clarify the true intention of the interlocutor. It is important here not to slip into the manipulator yourself:

showing condescension instead of compassion, hurting honesty instead of a benevolent attempt to understand

and devaluation of the emotional need of the manipulator for attention

will only hurt the relationship.

My big dream is that we will stop stigmatizing and devaluing each other, being afraid of relationships with each other and finally opening up to each other. All this is possible only with the realization that each of us lives in a separate reality, attaching a subjective meaning to the events taking place.

In this regard, it is necessary to understand that everything said by another person is important. All emotions expressed by another person are true … and very important! Manipulation is the only opportunity, as seen by the manipulator, to ask for something that is really important to him. By resorting to manipulation, a person informs you, a knowledge-savvy reader, that he is unhappy and does not feel the strength to entrust you with his wound. Now your task is to help your loved ones, close people find a way to a happy relationship. Clarifying our true desire and offering our attention to another person is the very step that each of us can take to create a society where the need for manipulation naturally disappears.

Lilia Cardenas, integral psychologist, psychotherapist