2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Infertility is a tragedy in a woman's life, one of the most common reasons for consulting a psychologist.
One of the reasons for infertility is parity. What is authentication - what is it and what is it used for?
In case of parentification, the daughter treats the mother as a parent to the child. She perceives her mother as small and defenseless, and herself as large and omnipotent. The daughter psychologically "adopts" her mother. When the roles of mother and daughter are confused, it can interfere with the conception of a child. Because the daughter already has a symbolic child - her mother. With parentification, a mother, like a nursing infant, can constantly demand attention to herself. And the daughter feels like a nursing mother, while her body can even react with a change in hormonal levels. In a woman's body, the hormone prolactin is produced and a "new" pregnancy does not occur.
Practical example
At the consultation, thirty-year-old Elena, has been married for eight years. All this time, the spouses want a child, but conception does not occur. I offer Elena an exercise that allows her to determine her relationship to her own existence. To do this, you need to make two drawings - the world before her birth and the world after her birth.
- What did the world look like before you were born?
- Like Mars, a lifeless planet on which nothing grows. - How do you feel looking at the drawing? - A lump in my throat, I want to cry. I feel like my own mom. This is her world, so scorched. - When did he become like this? - He was always bleak, but he finally became so after my mother gave up her dream of becoming a translator, moved from the university from the Faculty of Foreign Languages to a less prestigious Pedagogical Institute to the Faculty of Mathematics. Her friends studied there. Mom abandoned the future she dreamed of in order to feel like a part of the team, because she was afraid of loneliness. But, she missed out on professional growth prospects. From her point of view, this was a mistake that she could not forgive herself. And she got married only because the man - my father showed an interest in her. I was afraid to be alone.
Some people find it very difficult to be alone, when no one is around, they have a feeling of emptiness. Such people constantly need someone's presence. In order to feel comfortable alone, there must be a feeling of fullness inside. This sensation is given in childhood to a loving adult who is near, hears, sees, shares the feelings of the child.
People who find it difficult to endure loneliness, could not absorb the love of another person, so they constantly feel an inner emptiness. They feel lonely even in the presence of other people. In childhood, there was no one with them who loves, gives a feeling of emotional security, confirms the value of the child's existence.
- Elena, can you draw how the world has changed after your birth?
- The world is alive: greenery, sky, rain, sun. - What happened, why the world came to life? - I was born - a girl. - How does a girl make the world alive? - The world comes to life for mom, she expects her daughter to become her support, understand her, share the difficulties of life. - How do you feel, understanding mom's expectations? - I don’t like it, I was just born, but they came up with everything for me, I have to live up to my mother’s expectations. Resistance arises: "I don't want this." I have never felt motherly love, I felt like my mother's mother. Because I had to take care of her, take care of her, make decisions for her. - When a woman expects maternal love from her daughter, it means that, not receiving love from her mother, she puts her daughter in her place. - That is how it is. I have an elevated level of the hormone prolactin. The gynecologist says that it happens with breastfeeding women, as if I already have a child.
Elena unconsciously perceived her own mother as her child.
In further work, it turned out that her mother's mother, Elena's grandmother, grew up in difficult conditions, starved, and miraculously survived. She closed her feelings and became a "dead" mother to her daughter. Growing up emotionally cold, Elena's mother was also unable to give her daughter love. In search of maternal warmth, she transferred responsibility for her life to her daughter, in fact, changed roles with her.
In the process of psychotherapy, Elena managed to admit that her mother's mother is her grandmother. She felt like the daughter of her mother, having transferred responsibility for her life to her mother, realized her own adulthood and her responsibility for the unborn child. Now she says with confidence:
- I want a child, because I have something to convey to him. My unborn child is entitled to his desires, his values may differ from mine. If difficulties arise in my life, I will cope with them myself. Perhaps I will ask for help from my husband, parents, and other people. I will give the child the opportunity to remain a Child who is not concerned with the problems of adults.
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