Psychological Blackmail And Elimination Of The "human Factor" From Relations

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In their practice, psychologists very often face the consequences of psychological blackmail to which the person who turned to them was subjected. Let's try to figure out what are the reasons and what is the mechanics of such a phenomenon as psychological blackmail. If you observe the behavior of married couples and the relationship between lovers, you will notice that some resort to blackmail quite deliberately, while others act "not knowing what they are doing." People do not even understand how often and willingly they resort to blackmail to achieve their goals in relationships with loved ones

Sometimes this blackmail takes on quite innocent forms, for example: "Well, I'm sorry, that's the kind of person I am, so accept me as I am." In this case, the bestial grin of the blackmailer manifests itself at the moment when, in response to a completely legitimate remark, he begins to angrily shout: “You don’t accept me as I am, so you don’t love me!”.

In some cases, the blackmailers immediately take the bull by the horns, stating something like the following: "if you want to be with me, then you must …", or "if we are together, then you must not …". But in any case, no matter what form blackmail takes, it always deals a heavy blow to the relationship, and sooner or later the wounds he inflicted begin to make themselves felt.

If you don’t do what I want, then I’ll resent you

It is worth noting that both sides suffer from blackmail: both the one at whom it is directed and the initiator of this action. Probably the most common form of blackmail is resentment. A huge number of marriages and relationships were destroyed when girls decided that the best way to influence a loved one was resentment.

Very often, relationships collapse immediately, as soon as young people understand that their girlfriend's grievances are a way of influencing them and are a hidden form of blackmail. It cannot be said that in these relations young people did not commit acts that could really be offended. But when resentment begins to be used as an indicative and dramatic form of punishment, then the emotional blackmailers receive irritation and even aggression in response.

There are times when the "game of the offended" is started not by girls, but by young people. And sometimes in pairs there is a kind of competition, who is more offended by whom. The result is one - resentment very much burns and dulls the feelings of both.

Usually, it is the grievances of some twisted into tight spirals and the accumulated irritation of those who for some time obeyed these grievances that turn out to be that energy charge that detonates with a wild and uncontrollable scandal in response to outbursts of seemingly random momentary quarrels. If people were not afraid of conflicts and did not hide behind grievances, then they could clearly identify their positions and defend them. But for various reasons, grievances turn out to be an improvised means and do not seem as scary as conflicts. However, this is a big misconception.

Resentment is a very infantile reaction that involves a child-adult relationship. And to this is added the fact that the offended person is actually trying to subordinate to his will the one at whom the offense is directed.

If you don’t accept me for who I am, then you don’t love me

In some cases, instead of resentment, people choose other feelings as a weapon of emotional blackmail: "righteous indignation" or "righteous anger." This is a slightly more difficult means of blackmail than resentment, since in order for it to work, you must first provoke your partner to give certain, seemingly innocent and justified promises.

As a first example of such communication traps, the following query can be cited: “let's agree that we will love each other as we are”. At first glance, this seems to be a demonstration of deep worldly wisdom. But in fact, it is more often than not a reason to pounce on a partner with a flurry of righteous anger in response to the fact that he pointed out to the “blackmailer” something that he strongly dislikes in the relationship.

Another example is asking for a promise: "You will never speak badly of my friends and parents." Well, how can you not agree with this rule, because parents and friends are sacred. But in fact, a person faces the threat of running into a flurry of accusations if he suddenly wants to express some critical judgments about the behavior of the blackmailer's parents.

An even more sophisticated method of blackmail is built around the thesis, which is a logical continuation of the promise not to speak badly about friends. And it sounds something like this: "you want to embroil me with my friends." And one can run into such an accusation not even for criticizing the behavior of friends, but for a simple remark that after taking an evening out with friends, the "blackmailer" did not fulfill what he promised.

Not everyone can resist resentment, because the heart is not a stone. But the fear of being an object to which the partner's righteous anger is directed can be very strong. And many people prefer to fulfill these obligations once, just not to face accusations of violating them.

I want to be with you, but you have to follow certain rules

In such a frank form, psychological blackmailers do not often turn to their beloved ones, but in more veiled forms such blackmail is quite widespread. It may sound something like this: "you do not respect the man in me, so I cannot stay with you." At the same time, “respect for a man” may imply unquestioning obedience and the impossibility of challenging his judgments and decisions.

The phrase "I do not satisfy you as a man and therefore it is better for us to leave" can open a fan of all kinds of possibilities for the blackmailer: from the requirement to satisfy one's desires even in a situation when the partner is not at all up to sex, to the ban on waiting for gifts and flowers for the day birth.

Self-centered and narcissistic people can be very convincing in their demands, and it doesn't matter whether they have high self-esteem or vice versa - they are very insecure and tend to assert themselves at someone else's expense. In the first case, self-confidence gives convincingness to their words; in the second, their categoricalness and emotional intensity of judgments are caused by inner fear.

In some cases, insecure people cling tightly to their partner, trying to deprive him not only of freedom of action, but also of free will. So the child can grab onto the hem of the mother, not wanting to give her the opportunity to leave. In the case of mother and child, it is easy to guess that the child is restricting the mother's freedom out of fear. But in a love relationship, very often everything looks as if one of the partners behaves like a tyrant (most often this form of blackmail is chosen by insecure men). However, the same childish fear is behind the actions of the tyrant-blackmailer.

Blackmail in relationships is always a manifestation of weakness, although it is often presented as a demonstration of one's moral or intellectual superiority

Blackmail "from the position of the weak" is noticed quickly enough. And the partner of such a blackmailer may even voluntarily accept the rules of the game, realizing that he is being manipulated. A man can forgive the whims and resentments of his wife, because he believes that the weak need to be condescending. A woman can tolerate her husband's bad temper simply out of mercy. However, blackmail "from a position of strength" is not immediately recognized, and voluntary and unwitting observers may for a long time believe that the blackmailer is a stronger personality than his victim.

So, for example, a woman can live for a long time with a man who keeps her in a black body and makes her obey her decisions, sincerely believing that he is morally, intellectually and personally much stronger than her. At the same time, for some reason, she accepts the formidable tirades of her husband, his righteous anger and efforts to devalue her achievements for a manifestation of strength.

The magical power of such blackmailers most often rests on the dream of a strong man. And a woman can strive to preserve this image for herself, even sacrificing her pride and her freedom. From a position of strength, the blackmailer, as it were, broadcasts to his victim that if she does not obey him, something terrible will happen: along with the collapse of his image, the picture of her world will collapse, along with the dream of a strong man.

Exposing and understanding that the king is naked can occur if a woman notices that her "strong man" shows weakness in relations with other people. Very harshly and irreconcilably women begin to resist the despotism of blackmailers, if they begin to spread their magic to their children. It is easier for them to intercede for another person than for themselves.

The first thing that emotional and ideological blackmailers do is to cut off the network of contacts of the victim in love with them. Sometimes they say bluntly: "If you want to be with me, then forget about your relatives, friends and acquaintances." If they see that such a straightforward approach will not work, then they begin to act more flexibly and covertly, achieving their goal step by step. Thus, sources of foreign influence are chopped off, and the victim is easier to intimidate and hypnosis.

The longer the victim submitted to the blackmail of her lover, the more difficult it is for her to maintain a relationship with him after she is disappointed in him, noticing his weaknesses and inner dishonesty.

1. First, after a prolonged devaluation of the merits of his beloved, the blackmailer himself begins to believe in his superiority over her. And to convince him of something is already impossible.
2. Secondly, the victim of blackmail herself cannot forgive the partner for the fact of the collapse of the picture of the world in which there was a place for a “strong man”. And she is even more outraged by the understanding that all the suffering and humiliation that she endured was in vain, and she was simply deceived.

As a result, we see two people angry at each other, who have neither love nor affection for each other - but only one hatred or contempt.

Emotional blackmail sometimes allows you to glue the fate of two people, but does not lead to their mutual intimacy.

The use of psychological blackmail can lead to the formation of fairly stable couples. But only both partners in them are unhappy. In some cases, you can observe entire dynasties of blackmailers, when this method of bonding a family is passed from generation to generation.

Well-built blackmail, using emotional pressure and cunning communication and intellectual traps, can form a strong mutual dependence in people. But fear gradually destroys all feelings, and first of all, mutual trust and sincerity, so that, tightly glued to each other, people can remain very lonely.

Blackmail Is a variation on what Eric Byrne called “bad play,” there are no winners in games like these, and no true intimacy can develop among the people who play them.

The family scenario usually breaks down when a member of the younger generation of blackmailers stumbles upon a partner or partner with a different type of life scenario. Then, as they say, the scythe hits the stone. In response to the techniques worked out by generations, the blackmailer receives an unexpected answer for himself, and sometimes even stiff resistance. In this case, a new and promising relationship breaks down on takeoff.

If the victim of a novice blackmailer turns out to be too patient and trusting, then she can be drawn into a dependent relationship, which can continue until the scope of blackmail exceeds the victim's tolerance threshold. It should be noted, however, that the addiction of the blackmailer can be stronger than the addiction of the victim, despite the fact that at first glance everything looks the other way around.

It makes sense to draw your attention to the fact that the skills of blackmail, as they say, "are in the air." And we all become infected with this bacillus very easily. So, while uttering a phrase built according to the scheme: "if you will not … then I …", think about what it can lead you to.

So what is left for us to replace the good old grievances and proud categorical statements?

Any relationship is a combination of two people who have free will and their own conscious and not very life attitudes into one bundle. Very often these settings do not coincide. Talking about the closeness of the soul and the same vision of the world most often instills false hopes in souls, as well as teachings about compatibility or incompatibility of characters.

There are times when people spend many years, and sometimes all their lives, together, having fundamentally different life positions on many issues, simply because they love and respect each other. And at the same time, against the background of a complete idyll, a tough and irreconcilable conflict suddenly emerges, leading to the collapse of relations.

No matter what anyone says, but people in a relationship are constantly trying to manipulate each other, to influence each other. But only ways of exerting such influence can be honest or dishonest, environmentally friendly or toxic. Psychological blackmail is a clearly dishonest means of influencing another person, and it leads to a guaranteed emasculation of the relationship and the loss of intimacy.

Resentment, righteous anger, threats of breaking off relations, categorical demands - all these are varieties of psychological blackmail. A child lives in the soul of each of us, so we are all prone to resentment, but you should not turn this sticky feeling into a means of influencing another person. And from time to time we all want to show our character and demonstrate our will.

If we abandon psychological blackmail as a means of correcting relationships, then we still have at our disposal such simple tools as quarrels, conflicts, clarification of relationships, tantrums, scandals and joyful reconciliation, slamming doors and moving for a while to friends or to mom - and all this better than trying to deprive your partner of free will.

There are also softer and more civilized means, for example, heart-to-heart conversations and a joint analysis of their common mistakes, a call to look at things through the eyes of another person. You should not be afraid of controlled conflicts with fixing your positions and finding compromises.

In some cases, people turn to their friends and girlfriends to organize their reflection and understanding of what is happening, who is right and who is wrong. Or, roughly speaking, they put their brains in place. Hearing criticism from a friend or girlfriend can be easier than hearing from a loved one. Someone turns to psychologists to analyze specific situations or in-depth study of their internal problems.

Elimination of the "human factor" from relations

Psychological blackmail is based on a deep fear of the presence of another person nearby. This fear ricochets or echoes from the fear of loneliness - from the childish fear of losing love and protection, the loss of the person who gives these feelings.

The mechanics of blackmail can be described in the following sequence of steps:

• blocking a person's free will by placing him in front of a difficult-to-solve choice;
• partial devitalization of the partner to the level of turning him into a creature lower in development and subordinate to the blackmailer, into something like a pet.
• But the devitalization of a partner inevitably leads to the mechanization of one's own feelings. Gradually, feelings are replaced by psychological dependence, and relationships turn into a set of joyless rituals.

Devitalization is an attitude to deprive a partner or a person with whom you are dealing with signs of life, vitality. We can say that with devitalization, the "human factor" is eliminated from the relationship. Deprived of free will and vitality, a partner will not run away and betray. Sometimes machines can function longer and more reliably than a living organism, and relationships built on mutual blackmail seem stable and unchanging.

………..

Being next to a living person, the presence of life in oneself is always acutely felt, all feelings are exacerbated, including anxiety and fears. It so happens that in insecure people, inclinations to psychological blackmail are awakened by such an innocent feeling as falling in love. Love quickly mingles with the fear of loss, the premonition of loss leads to the experience of heartache, and heartache requires revenge and punishment of the guilty one. Thus, there are only a few steps from love to righteous tyranny.