2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It often happens that a girl thinks that she is ready for a relationship, but, for some reason, the desired meeting does not happen. And even when thinking about this meeting, there is not joy, but an unpleasant chill. I remember previous unsuccessful relationships, resentments, pain of disappointment, I do not want to once again meet with unpleasant emotions.
When a girl has experience of harmonious relationships with her parents, and everything is fine in the relationship between the parents, she easily builds her own relationship with a man. But, are there many girls who have a happy childhood? Probably a lot, but they don't go to a psychologist.
Fear of the father is at the root of the fear of men. Our attention is selective; from the multitude of people we single out those who are somewhat reminiscent of parents. So, for example, a girl with a cruel father, out of many men, will notice only those who are cruel. And then, in a relationship with him, to live childhood pain and resentment.
In order to reverse this harmful scenario, it is important first to believe that there are kind, caring men. Then learn to notice them. Allow yourself to enter into a relationship with them. At this stage, the fear of rejection by the genus can become an unconscious obstacle. Because, allowing herself a new model of behavior, the girl begins to differ from her ancestors. The clan fears those who are different - others, they move away from them, and may even be expelled from the clan. To be outside the clan, in the clan, means to become "ugly." It's very scary. Therefore, it is very important to get permission from the parental clan to make changes.
And in order for new relationships not to “wither in the bud”, it is necessary to learn how to build boundaries, to tell a man about your desires and feelings. But, this is already a topic for another article.
Practical example. The consent to the publication has been received from the client. At the consultation, a 26-year-old girl, let's call her Alena. There is no man in a girl's life. All her previous relationships were short and full of frustrations. - Now, when I made the decision to let a man into my life, apathy has come. I do not want anything. It feels like I'm swimming against the current. “Can you draw this feeling?” “I am a log stuck in front of a waterfall. The log is afraid that it will fall and split into pieces. It is very scary to split into pieces. I suddenly remembered drowning at the age of five. I held on to the log, but it was slippery and constantly pulled out of my hands. I sank under the water, then surfaced. My father saved me. Alena's father was an alcoholic and a sadist, all the saddest childhood memories are associated with him. However, in this situation, he was not taken aback, pulled his daughter out of the water. - I feel a duty to my father. And the blame for not being able to repay this debt. - What do you owe your father? - I don’t know, I can’t formulate it. I owe him my life. - You owe him a life? - Yes, I owe him my life twice - for the birth and salvation from the water. - How can you pay off a debt that is equal to life? - It turns out that I have to give my life to him, but I don’t want that. Then I will cease to exist. - You can pass on the received life further, to your children. And in relation to the father, show gratitude. - I can't show gratitude. I have too much anger at my father for the pain he caused me. - Probably, the father did not always behave destructively. Was he showing his healthy part? - Yes, of course, it happened that he behaved kindly. - Can you show gratitude to the healthy part of your father? - Yes I can. I suggest Alena designate herself and her father with floor anchors, with her subsequent transition from one role to another. Alena thanks her father for life and salvation from the water. But, he does not hear her. He feels like no one needs a five-year-old child. The anger he directed at his wife and daughter is actually directed at his parents. Alena tells her father.- I do not know the details of your life, but I have always felt your aggression and I understand that there must be reasons for this. But, these reasons are definitely not in me. Hearing her words, my father matured, began to feel like a teenager. At this age, he chose protection for himself - the role of a clown in order to hide his true feelings, his vulnerability. Alena was always frightened by his "clowniness", inadequacy of behavior. Alena says to her father: - I allowed myself to experience hidden, painful feelings for me. It was difficult, but I did it. Now I go through life no longer by my mother and other women of the family, but by my own. I am learning to hear my desires. I want to have a close and trusting relationship with a man. I will continue this path, even if you do not like it. As Alena demonstrated adult confident behavior, her father also grew older. Seeing the determination of his daughter, the father felt like an adult, he had pride in his daughter and a desire to join her, to her path. He even offered his daughter a bird as a symbol of her father's permission for a new life. Alena added a bird to the drawing, asked her to check the height of the waterfall. The bird checked it, calculated the height to be small, and allowed the log to fall.
After that Alena wanted to make a new drawing, in which a log floats along a calm river into a new life.
Examining the drawing, the girl realized that she no longer wanted to be a log. She decided that this was not a log, but a suitcase in which Alena hid, fleeing from the past.
- There are stones in front of the ground, as a symbol of a difficult transition to a new life, in which I am responsible for myself. - Now I will open the suitcase and go out.
- The girl has a pale, inconspicuous face. What happens if paint appears on the face? - I will become attractive to men. I feel horrified at the thought, a suitcase of past injuries is still in my field of vision. - What happens if he floats away? - I will stop looking back at the past. A man immediately appears next to me.
- I realized that my desire to communicate with men was hampered by the fear of paternal punishment. I was afraid that my father would not accept a kind, considerate man who was not like him. He will take it as a betrayal. Now I felt that my father allows me to live differently, and I will use his permission.
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