2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Sometimes people do not feel that their boundaries have been violated, but they feel a viscous and unpleasant aftertaste from contact with another person or group.
In childhood, it is difficult or impossible to detect a violation. Adults are demigods who are a priori perceived as right and knowledgeable. A person grows up, and if there is no reassessment of what happened in childhood, the consequences are carried over into adulthood.
You can continue not to notice that as in childhood we allow (take it for granted) to push us in the same things. And you can, getting used to the violation of some boundaries in one, allow them to be violated in something else. By inertia. Out of habit. Because it has always been that way.
Therefore, it is not easy to discern a catch that comes from outside (or from within) - the picture of right and wrong in relation to oneself has already taken shape.
Sometimes it seems that the world can cease to exist if it is denied. If, for example, you were beaten in childhood, and you grew up and say “nothing, I grew up as a person,” then the unhealthy influence of the experience does not disappear. It is not enough just to say “nothing like that happened, sometimes it got, but so what” to stop experiencing the consequences in the form of encouraging violence towards oneself and others (and not necessarily physical).
How to understand that the boundaries are violated, and, in general, where are the boundaries?
The answer is not always straightforward and not always obvious. But this can be learned.
Difficulty can arise from the very beginning: from recognizing your response to what is happening (body reactions, feelings, thoughts). Because when your feelings are forbidden, they are not realized, then the answer is emptiness or uncertainty.
An example of how you can be aware of yourself. When I was writing this text, my neck and shoulders were tense, because I sat down at it late at night, while thoughts about the topic are relevant. And I understood what my stress was about (it started as soon as I started working). I thought about how to better reflect what I think about boundaries. I was afraid of the audience's indifference, lack of likes and comments, worried about whether the text would attract customers, etc. My experiences are reflected in the body. This is an example of a certain part of an uncomplicated reflection of a particular episode.
Why am I able to track these processes at the level of the body and feelings? Because I can disconnect from them. Or in other words, get out of mergers with them. Or see them from the side, consider them from a distance.
And now one of the important things: in the confluence of boundaries, neither their own nor those of others can be recognized.
We are talking about both internal merging with your reactions, and external with the world (people, events). To get out of the merger means to designate and recognize what is happening, to call things by their proper names.
See in yourself anger, anger, hatred, envy, fear, etc. - means to designate and recognize what is happening.
Seeing the situations in which these feelings appear is to identify and acknowledge what is happening.
The next step is to claim yours or take responsibility for their experiences, reactions … and! refusal to take responsibility for strangers experiences.
This is the essence of the delimitation of one's own and others' boundaries.
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