Behind Seven Seals

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Our whole life consists of a series of different events: we rejoice and sad, hope and grieve, give birth to children and lose loved ones, get disappointed and are inspired again, build close relationships or break up. In all this, there are people close to us: relatives, friends, children, and if with adults we are more inclined to discuss, consult, cry about what is happening, or, in the end, honestly indicate that we do not want to talk about it, then with children, the situation is more often different - it is not entirely clear what and how you can tell them.

I know from my own experience and from the experience of parents who turn to me that often there is a desire to protect children from many experiences, since it seems to us that this can hurt the child. As a rule, these are divorces, quarrels, quarrels, death, illness. This is what hurts us and is difficult for us to experience.

An adult needs resources to cope with this, and they are not always available. And in such cases, it is easy to "share" your experiences by projecting them onto the child. "It is no longer intolerable for me, but for him, so I prefer not to talk about it with him."

I recall a case from practice when relatives told a seven-year-old boy for a year that dad had switched to hard work around the clock, instead of explaining that dad had left and no longer lived with them. In addition, there were constant (secret) conversations in the house about another woman he had.

Mom was not ready to admit that dad really left, that he really had another woman, and, moreover, they would soon have a child with this woman. The boy was brought to me with the fact that he gets up during lessons, talks to himself and urinates in his pants …

Mom wanted to remove the symptoms, while not telling the boy anything about the family situation …

The price of this mother's choice was the child's mental health …

I agree that by making a child a witness, and even more so, a participant in family quarrels and showdowns, he can be injured and psychologically traumatized, but the fact that a child sees upset, sad or angry parents and does not understand what is happening can hurt him even more … Children should know that their questions will definitely be answered.

The child does not need to know all the details and facts of what is happening, but he should know what is the reason for the excitement of people close to him, otherwise he may blame himself for what is happening, associating events in the family with the fact that he is not good enough or behaves badly, or thinks badly about parents, gets angry with them, etc. and "that's why dad left home" or "that's why parents quarrel." This is how the "magical thinking" inherent in children works. A small child believes that he is the center of the universe and is responsible for everything that happens in his world. He ascribes to himself the "authorship" of almost all events unfolding around him and believes that there is a causal relationship between two events that have occurred one after the other.

For example, if a child was angry with his father for not letting him watch TV, and thought, "It would be better if he was at work and he was not at home!" and dad packed his things the next day and left, having quarreled with mom, then the child will conclude: “Dad left because of me, because of my bad behavior and bad thoughts the day before, because I wanted to he was not home". Therefore, a child who has not received clear explanations can experience a lot of anxiety and for a long time shackle himself with guilt for the event that happened. As for the quarrels between parents, which happen in all families, they are usually tolerable for children, but sometimes they can also "knock out" the child. Therefore, if you notice that the child is worried, it is important to explain what happened by saying, for example, “I know you are worried because I was crying this morning. Dad and I had a fight, I was angry, and I was sad. It happens sometimes when people are married, but it has nothing to do with you."

Children usually have enough resources to cope with the small stress that occasionally occurs in the family. Of course, it is very difficult to tell children about those aspects of life from which the adults themselves are afraid and they are completely at a loss as to what to do with it. But it is important to talk about this, because when a child learns about what is actually happening in life, many events become less scary and painful for him. At the same time, it is important to understand that really, telling too much truth too early, plus everything, while making the child an ally of his troubles, you can harm him no less than your silence.

It is important to communicate what is happening in life in a dosed manner, in a language understandable to the child, according to his age, development and emotional state, protecting him from what he still cannot understand (for example, you should not tell the child that the mother today had an abortion in the hospital, suffice it to say that my mother had health problems, in order to resolve them, she had to go to the hospital for a couple of days). At the same time, giving enough support, which is also important to dose.

It is interesting that when we support the child too much by delivering some news, we automatically broadcast to him that the event is so difficult that he may not be able to cope, since, in our opinion, he needs so much adult support to survive it. Children, in fact, initially have a sufficient resource to take care of themselves and find a way to help them survive suffering, provided that the adult has not destroyed or destroyed this ability (for example, a child who is a victim of sadomasochistic relationships of parents already does not have this ability). Sometimes it’s worth leaving the child, and he will quickly find a way to cope with the situation. That is, both inattention and excessive superficiality of an adult in relation to a child, as well as excessive sensitivity, inclusiveness and solidarity can be destructive. Neither the one nor the other gives the child the opportunity to find a way to survive suffering and in the future, to rely on this ability in his life. As events unfold, parents each time will have to decide again and again what can or cannot be said to the child, touching on one of the topics in conversation with him.

For example, it is important to understand that when a child is admitted to the hospital, he is faced with a serious and frightening reality, in which case he can gather strength and cope with this situation if he is somehow reassured by explaining that he will be do. It is important that he does not imagine anything too scary. It is good if you can play the upcoming event, while the child can play the role of a doctor or nurse who will perform the operation, and can also talk to the child. It is important to understand that a child who cries and protests responds normally. You can tell your child, “Of course you are scared. I understand how you feel, but it should be done, and in a couple of days everything will be over. In terms of consequences, a protesting and reactive child is better than a child who shows up in the hospital, happily jumping with a balloon, only to come out after two days distrusting anyone …

First of all, it is important that the child can express his feelings. If he is scared or has something in pain, he really needs to cry and protest - this is the only way we can take care of him and help him survive an unpleasant event with fewer consequences.

And, in conclusion, I would like to say that it is important for an adult to realize that suffering is a part of human life, and no matter how much we want to protect our child from it, this is impossible. Sooner or later he will face him, with or without us. He will face the fact that his beloved animals are dying, other people are deceiving, and in general the world is unfair and cares little about us …

And if he faces all this already in adulthood, without having the experience to cope with it, it can really be destructive. And all we can do is help our child learn to cope with the various dramatic experiences in life. They can only learn this from us. If we hide our tears when we are in pain, then they will try not to cry. If we cheer up with the last bit of strength, hiding our experiences from them, then they, imitating us, hide their pain. We must give our children the opportunity to suffer, mourn, torment and triumph when there is power to prevent suffering. At the same time, it is important for an adult to be able to accept and endure their experiences, to be able to stay with the child and experience the event together. Only when we share all this with children do we prepare them for life.

Yana Manastyrnaya