Get Out From Behind The Skirting Board. Mom, Don't Read

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A difficult relationship with a mother does not necessarily arise where the mother behaves like an abusive stepmother. It is often associated with the mother-victim, the pale shadow, and with the mother-friend, who did not insist on anything, and with the overprotective mother "I-gave all my life to you" and with the mother-rival.

Almost every day I see these "girls" who are over 30, over 40 or over 50 for a long time. Unhappy, frightened, wondering "Why is she with me like this? Why?"

If you didn’t have a bicycle as a child, and now you have a BMW 745, it’s all the same - as a child you didn’t have a bicycle.

Network lies under the guise of "folk" wisdom

I have not read the book "Bury Me Behind the Skirting Board", I had enough reviews. Too dark, I thought. Yes, yes, just the case when Pasternak did not read, but …

Instead, I plunged into "Mom, don't read!" Ekaterina Shpiller, daughter of Galina Shcherbakova, author of the sensational story "You never dreamed of …"

I "got into a mess" because the book was written by an unquestionably talented and seriously ill person. It is addictive. Convexly described experiences of a patient with severe clinical depression - reading is not for the faint of heart. Especially if the faint of heart also had depressive episodes. So, I can't recommend.

But most of all, the main theme touched me in the book. I felt incredibly sorry for this forty-year-old woman who for so many years has felt like an unloved daughter. The hurt and pain of this "dislike" made her almost disabled. Severe depression is not just a “bad mood and you don’t want to live”. This is constant, almost total self-destruction. An army of diseases, no cause or cure for which no luminary can find. And often existence with a carefully calculated dose of pills constantly clenched in a fist, in case it becomes completely unbearable.

Almost every day I see these "girls" who are over 30, 40 or 50 years old. Unhappy, frightened, wondering "Why is she with me like this? Why?" Most of them in life … are ordinary. They are just not very happy.

There are very successful, clever and beautiful women who spend their lives trying to do something else so that my mother "understands how wrong she is", finally approved and said "well done, daughter", just apologized for something.

There are those for whom the conflict with the mother, the pain of dislike, alienation, endless amazement and melancholy "well, why I have not a mother, but some kind of stepmother" has become the main brake in life. This brake can paralyze our Inner Woman or some of her features. And this interferes with building relationships with oneself, with loved ones, with children, in general, with life.

A difficult relationship with a mother does not necessarily arise where the mother behaves like the cruel stepmother and despot of the Brothers Grimm's unadapted fairy tales. The absence of an adult Inner Woman who can take care of herself and has a developed intuition is often associated with the mother-victim, a pale shadow, whose presence was barely felt in the child's life, and with the mother-friend who did not insist on anything, and with the overprotective mother. " I gave you my whole life "and with my rival mother.

I'm not going to wonder if Galina Shcherbakova loved her daughter. Maybe she didn't. Rather, she loved as best she could. This is not what touched me at all. It is painful and insulting that all this could have become the past for a long time.

Moreover, the past that can be changed. But it didn't. It always puzzles me, and as a professional it also saddens me when people say "we have no control over our past." Overbearing. And how. The past can be changed, and often it is simply necessary to do so. But first you need to make it the past. Those. literally what is gone and is no longer present in your life. I often tell my patients "I have good news for you - childhood is over long ago."

Easier said than done. Although to say is, after all, the first step. Stop and talk to the girl who found it so difficult at the age of five, 10 or 16. Tell her that she is not alone anymore.

This is a very effective practice when we are working on episodes of "that life" and it does not matter at all whether these are real episodes or they have been preserved in your memory. They are real to you. And you can go there to protect that girl, tell her that she will grow up and will be able to take care of herself, find friends, love, give birth to children.

It can be so difficult to realize and feel that you are no longer a little girl with whom you can do whatever you want - shout, take away a book, laugh at her dreams, make you sit over a plate of slippery oatmeal until the evening. Not an ugly duckling that did not live up to parental expectations. Not "God's punishment" and not a "bitter onion". It is so difficult to believe that you are a grown woman, beautiful, intelligent, who knows so much in this life that you never dreamed of …

Life is not easy for those who did not believe it. Thank God, their life is not as tragic as the life of Katya - this is an extreme case.

But how many confused relationships, how many internal "censorship", the impossibility of getting close to our own desires due to a lack of understanding that the past exists only in our heads. And it can be changed.