Offensive Insults

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-07 22:18

"Nature has arranged so that insults are remembered longer than good deeds. Good is forgotten, and insults are stubbornly held in memory," - said the Roman philosopher Seneca a little over two thousand years ago. And nothing has changed! As for someone, but for me, insult is like an ink stain on a snow-white tablecloth: you can't miss it, it's hard to get rid of it, and no matter how hard you try, the trace will remain for a long time. The point here is not at all in human rancor, bad character or bad upbringing, but in the very attitude to the situation and feelings of resentment.

OFFENSE is …

• always reaction to stimulus: something happened, to which you react negatively, painfully, aggressively and, as a rule, inadequate to the situation, making an elephant out of a fly ("How are you, zaya? - Normal. - I asked how you are, and you growl! You even didn’t look, you don’t love me at all! Aaaa! "- of course, this is a joke, but any life situation, if desired, can be turned into an offense);
• form of aggression: manifestation of an active negative attitude towards a situation or a person (“Mom, he called me a fool!” - and hurray! the spouses, and close relatives, and even neighbors, if the walls are thin, are already involved in the scandal);

• always discrepancy between the desired and the actual: we are talking about specific objects and states here and now, resentment is always situational. Even if we complain about life in general, our complaints always have a specific starting situation, which aroused and reinforced this feeling ("How do we not go to football? We agreed, I bought tickets in advance, agreed with the people!", you have to go. - Can't your sister come! You are always and always with your mother something happens! ");
• what does not make us better, as originally based on the negative: being offended, we feel irritation, discomfort, anger, everything boils inside, the body, soul, spirit suffer - the relationship cannot be improved with an offense either with another or with oneself.

Why am I touchy?

This question has a long history that usually drags on. from childhood and family relationships … It's not even about old traumas that form fears and stereotypes of behavior (the dog has bitten - I'm afraid of the dogs), you can work with it. No, as a rule, resentment in childhood becomes a successful intuitive find, a way of influencing others - once or twice the technique used by the child turns into a model of behavior, is fixed as an effective strategy (I was frightened of an unexpectedly popping out dog - my mother-grandmother saw it and rush to console me with every such case and to entertain the baby - and the child is happy to try: he sees the dog and, in order to once again attract the attention of a caring parent, is already sulking and waving his arms with resentment). In this case, it is difficult to cope with yourself, growing up, because you have to start from the basics, from the worldview, from what once formed our inner world.

Of course, the second most important reason is the warehouse of a person's personality, the type of his temperament … A timid, insecure person is often offended by others, assertive in appearance, active, but also in need of self-affirmation at the expense of others, becomes the offender himself. In either case, the problem is in self-esteem, in a certain deformation of the idea of one's own capabilities, boundaries and what is good-bad and possible-not. A person seems to be constantly testing the world, others and himself for strength: here I try - it worked, but this way - but this way too much. In addition, dependence on someone else's opinion, influence, also make us an easy victim for any offense, because in this case we are especially vulnerable and ready to believe any point of view except our own.

"We live once! After us, even a flood! Peace, you owe me, because I was born!" - as you can see, requirements for the world are pre-formed, and it turns out that the world already owes us, although we have not done anything for it yet. Resentment at the injustice of life, at unfailing circumstances, at fate, general dissatisfaction, high expectations and demands - from this series. It is much easier to shift responsibility for your life onto the shoulders of an abstract fate and universal injustice than to make decisions on your own and change your life for yourself.

Well, we must not forget that many make resentment one of the main ways of dealing with people - it is beneficial to be offended, by this a person forces the other to make concessions, to fulfill the conditions, to succumb to the aggressive pressure of the offense.

How to deal with resentment?

This question is always directed outwardly and inwardly: how to stop being offended by yourself and stop hurting others. Let's start with ourselves, it is always more productive, then, you see, we will stop using aggression as a way of behavior.

• go through your childhood memories and correlate with your behavior now: where you use the same techniques as before without even thinking about how honest they are … Yes, they can be very powerful, but they are outdated in your new adult life. If you continue to press on pity, to get your way through hidden forms of aggression - start tracking this and pulling yourself back, go to an open dialogue … Imagine a situation: a chicken is being shared at a friendly dinner, and people who are accustomed to getting the best cuts from childhood and who have not outgrown this habit are sincerely offended if they are not met. It's funny to watch the whole battles for "legs" and "wings", flaring up between quite successful people. There would be to think about the situation ;
• start to shape adequate attitude to yourself, their capabilities, advantages and disadvantages: the most difficult thing is to stop engaging in self-deception, accept yourself in the totality of your qualities, it is scary not to like yourself. However, this is an extra reason to work on yourself, turn shortcomings into advantages or smooth out imperfections with other indisputable advantages (big legs? - means you are firmly on the ground!, Dense physique? - means you have a margin of safety! And so on - it is worth taking a seat with you "at the negotiating table", write "Dano", "I want" and "Way" on a sheet of paper and move, change, start to like yourself). Common sense and self-love should be your guides. Develop a habit of analyzing the situation without blaming yourself or the other (exhale, pause, if possible, leave the room, try to look at yourself and the situation from the outside at the moment, give yourself sound good advice, thank yourself and start following the advice). Listen to yourself, do not live with someone else's mind - nature will not advise bad things, but conscience will always tell you if you suddenly chose a slippery path again;
• no one owes us anything, no one should correspond to our views, should not be the way we want, should not behave the way we see it - why focus on the shortcomings and mistakes, and not look for positive moments in everything. It is stupid to be offended by people, but it is senseless to be offended by fate, since everyone goes their own way and it is impossible to live life for another (therefore, it is strange to seriously react to other people's, seemingly offensive words - even if a person wanted to hurt us, this is his wrong, because " on the thief and the hat is on fire ", offending others masks his own vulnerabilities). Independence is scary, but gratefully, there is no one to blame but yourself, so there is no one to be offended at;
• our strength is in our weakness - life has given you tools that you need to use skillfully and prudently. Are you used to manipulating others with resentment, are you able to see other people's manipulations? This means that you are a good psychologist, you are a hunter, and not someone's prey - start using your talents in a different way, without dubious psychological techniques. You know other people's weak points, you feel fears, you understand the pressure this or that word exerts - then use it not to be offended, but for constructive changes in relationships, because "the smart one does not take offense, but draws conclusions" (A. Christie).

Resentment as manipulation

It has already been mentioned in passing that resentment is a method of manipulation. Since this is a very common technique, we will tell you how it works and how not to succumb to provocation by resentment.

1. The lips are puffed out, the eyebrows are shifted, he is silent, sniffles and does not explain in any way what happened and what you were punished for, like, you know? This is a typical manipulator. The most effective thing is not to pay attention to the provocation, making it clear that you are open to dialogue, and the fuse of the imaginary offended will dry up by itself. As a rule, this is a way of attracting attention, pressure on the interlocutor, partner, forming a sense of guilt in him, thanks to which the manipulator achieves its goals. Be careful, situations of resentment can not only be imagined, they can be staged. For example, in a conversation with your partner, you mentioned that your classmate recently bought a good car, and you were happy for him, having evaluated the right choice. Your interlocutor grows gloomy - What happened? What's with his mood? - they turned the conversation to another topic, exhaled with relief, and after a couple of days ran into a conflict - it turns out that your classmates are lucky, and you yourself consider your partner a loser, and his car is junk. Stop, car! What to do? First, to understand that the cause of the resentment is almost never connected with the resentment itself, because it performs only the function of a trigger (trigger) for the start of the emotion of resentment. Secondly, you need to make it clear to your partner that you share his feelings and are ready to discuss the true reasons for the situation. Never mix the reaction and the reason, and it will be much easier for you not to be manipulated, but to see deeper, assess the situation and interact with your partner with greater understanding.

2. Who is it that is making sarcastic remarks that hurt you to the very heart? Who is ready to step on your pet peeve and pull out all your agonizing night fears, awkward situations from your past, mistakes and slips into the light of day? This is a manipulator-aggressor who uses resentment as a way to suppress your will and subordinate you to your interests. What to do? Nothing! Swearing in response will only give the aggressor what he wants - your reaction, and therefore power over you. Therefore, let us breathe out again, smile and try to laugh at ourselves together with the manipulator, not allowing him to use us. You are not food, not free energy for a predator. Stop being a victim (this, of course, is also a great way to attract attention and receive emotions from others, but is it worth it?), Become an adult, a person who is worth over situation and understands the internal reasons for the manipulator's actions. Fearfully? No, it is interesting and productive to manage your own life and not allow yourself to assert yourself at your own expense.

3. Are you not vindictive, just angry and do you have a good memory? But what does this eternal remembrance of the offenses once inflicted on you and the absence of former friends in a close circle give you? Resentment weakens a person, eats him up from the inside, makes him spend a lot of energy on maintaining negative memories, feeds his "dark" side and does not allow him to move forward successfully. This is not a reason, of course, to forget everything, but it is a reason to understand what happened, rethink it based on new experience and develop a new attitude. Suppose you once experienced an unsuccessful divorce, left the family with a scandal, leaving everything to your partner, and now you are afraid of a strong relationship, because you do not want to relive the pain of resentment, disappointment, separation, loneliness. This is understandable, but this life is only yours and no one else's. Therefore, it is necessary to reconsider in detail the previous relationship, to understand that no one owes anything to anyone, that you participated in your marriage in the same way and in the same way are responsible for the consequences. Do what does not lead to resentment, but makes you happier. Afraid of loneliness - love and be together, give your attention, because you need it. Do not want to be disappointed - do not be fascinated, accept the other with understanding, without condemnation and exaggerated demands. A relationship is a compromise, not a battlefield between two unhappy people offended by life.

And finally …

Every time when your chest is filled with air with indignation and you want to pout resentfully, imagine that you are a soap bubble that flies towards the sun and the sun's rays fill you with bright light - the resentment will melt, because the happiness that everyone sincerely strives for is stronger than any resentment. Happiness is to be understood, and to be understood, you need to talk about your feelings openly - speak up, and you will definitely be reciprocated.