When The Desired Is Impossible, Or About The Reasons For The Impossibility Of Children's Independence

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Often, when you talk to exhausted mums and dads, you can hear a lot of "interesting" things about their child:

- my child sleeps only if it is very quiet, even though the sound, and that's it …

- he himself does not want to do anything!

- Behind her only an eye and an eye, otherwise it will hurt or ruin the clothes!

- he cannot stand up for himself, everyone offends him!

- he is already three years old, and I still feed him with a spoon!

- she is already five years old, and still cannot get dressed herself!

- he is 30 years old, and he still lives with his mother, does not work and his mother takes care of him! …

And this model of behavior was instilled in the child by the parents themselves. Yes, not specifically. As a rule, without even realizing it and with absolutely good intentions.

Why is this happening?

Trying to save the baby from all the dangers of this world, parents deprive him of the opportunity to learn new things in relatively safe, not very significant and not very responsible situations, thereby rendering him a disservice.

The heart contracts with terrible force when parents and grandmothers see all the dangers around the child.

By anticipating the possibility of the slightest scratch and eliminating it, parents deprive the child of the opportunity to learn to think for himself. And, if in childhood, the payment for falling is a bruise or even without it, then in adulthood - when the parents will no longer be near their "greenhouse" child, falling - is fraught with serious consequences.

Often, parents are in a hurry. There is no time or strength to wait, you need to quickly …

It’s too long to wait for the child to put on his pajamas, go downstairs himself, put on his boots, eat up the soup …

Besides, he is so small, he cannot do it, and in general, what does he understand there …

… like this, little by little, parents and grandmothers "attach crutches to the child," first in their thinking, and then in real life, and without them, he has nowhere … Independence becomes impossible.

Let's remember the stories of the Mowgli children. With slight variations, but the general idea is something like this - from an early age (from one and a half years and a little older), these children grew up with animals or birds. When they were found and tried to socialize, a clear pattern was visible - the earlier the child was “lost,” the more pronounced the delay in mental development was; some of the foundlings were not even taught how to speak, and we are not talking about reading and writing at all.

Why didn't you succeed? It is extremely important for us to find out the answer to this question in order to understand how parents, often unknowingly, "attach crutches" to their beloved children.

Many decades ago, in her writings, Maria Montessori spoke of sensitive developmental periods - these are periods when a certain skill or property or skill is acquired by the child as if by itself; the child himself wants to learn this, he repeats it over and over until he masters it. Parents do not need to make any effort to this, just do not interfere; create an environment that will keep the child interested and allow him to explore and learn on his own.

But, parents are tired, sometimes they are very worried about their baby, underestimate his abilities … and decide the issue instead of the child.

Decided - did instead of the child once, decided - did - two, decided - did - three … the sensitive period passed, the irresistible desire to learn was overcome by the parents and faded away. The child will either never master a skill, or will master it later, with great difficulty, with hassle for himself and for his parents.

Dressing up children … Why is this such a problem for some parents?

Many people talk about getting ready for the street or on the train as a terrible event that requires a lot of dexterity and sophistication, pressure on the child and forcing him to do something.

But what was done with the pressure on the child will cause resistance the next time. Strong resistance causes even more pressure … and so on in a circle. Passions heat up, the degree of emotions grows and the five-minute gathering on the street turns into a battle.

So why might a parent want to force a child to do something?

Maybe they are afraid that the child will be hungry, or catch a cold? - and you need to make him eat or dress warmer …

Maybe they are afraid that he will fall out of the wheelchair or run out onto the road? - and you need to force him to be there with the help of seat belts or walk only by the handle …

Maybe they think that their child knows little and it is necessary to force him to learn more?

Every living being, incl. and a person wants to keep his body warm, hunger - satisfied, and the body is complete, not damaged. The desire to learn and master new models of behavior is inherent in us by nature. they are the key to survival!

Why then do children not want to study, eat and dress ??

If you already guessed - then, yes, we are talking about a source that prompts action.

It is physiological and natural to do everything possible to keep the body and mind in the comfort zone. And when this function is taken over by the parents instead of the child, plus all their fears, desires and needs are attributed to the child - thus, unconsciously, they put pressure on him - this is the phenomenon of self-destructive illogical and unnatural behavior of children - who do not want to eat, obey, sleep, dress … This resistance is like a natural and logical reaction to pressure.

If parents do not want their child to resist very strongly, then it is enough just not to put pressure on him. But it is difficult. We love our children very much, we are very worried and empathized with them, and I want to keep them closer to protect them from pain and psychological stress. We were brought up this way, so it is accepted. And what if in windy weather the baby walks without a hat, then this is not a manifestation of respect and trust in his feelings, but the mother is idle and unlucky …

Some parents come to the idea: what kind of child do I want? Obedient and adaptive, or free and happy?

Personal happiness, freedom, self-esteem, and confidence are formed during childhood. If there are favorable circumstances that help to grow free and self-sufficient.

How do you create these circumstances? Here are some options - not to "attach crutches" to the child (doing, thinking and feeling instead of him), respect the child and his freedom of choice, minimize the pressure on the child.

For example: every time mom Nastya is going for a walk with her 2-year-old son Dima, screaming, persuading and crying. Dima loves to walk, but he does not understand why his mother puts this on him every time: IT'S heavy, uncomfortable, hot and prickly; it crushes, annoys, rubs so much that you want to pull it all off immediately! Dima still sometimes doubts the confidence of his steps, and then there are these immense pants and boots. How else can you run and jump in the snow ?! There will be joy, even if you don't bury your nose in the staircase …

One winter morning, mother Nastya thought: “What's the matter, why should I force my child to dress? It will be cold for him, he himself must ask me for clothes! Why, if not a single living creature wants to freeze - I can't persuade my son to get dressed ???.

Mom Nastya got an idea. She prepared things for the walk and left them at the doorstep. Having received another refusal from her son to get dressed, Nastya's mother dressed herself, packed Dima's things and shoes in a bag, smiled at her son and they went out into the street. Dima walked in socks and a T-shirt.

At the exit from the entrance, Nastya's mother could not resist - it's scary, the frost is the same - and offered her son clothes, to which she received a loud refusal. Okay, okay, just a smile and calmness. The child is growing and becoming independent right now. Dima's son understands right now that he can at least influence something in his life, that he is not just a grain of sand in the desert of the adult world, but that he is a Personality. And he understands that the snow is cold! That the legs are already freezing, and the arms and the back, oh, how uncomfortable in the cold, but what a wind! But since he said no, then he must hold on … well, at least one minute, well, at least half a minute … Oh, him …

- Mom, I'm cold!

- Yes, son, of course, it's freezing outside!

- Mom, I'm cold!

- Yes, son, and what are we going to do?

Well, and "we" won't do much. Mom Nastya just stands and watches as Dima hastily tries to pull on at least something of his clothes. Stands and looks while the child, in an accessible way according to his age, asks mom to help him get dressed. And only then does Nastya's mother touch the clothes of her dear son. Without scolding him: "I told you." With an understanding of the importance of the new experience that she and her beloved son are gaining.

Two minutes in the cold and the child realized that he was respected and that he could influence at least some manipulations with his body.

If the parents have already performed some actions, putting pressure on the child, and then change their behavior, there will be no pressure, but the child will still resist for some time.

Sometimes, very rarely, remembering the past, Dima's son refuses to put on a jacket or hat. Mom collects things in a bag and leaves him on the doorstep. Sometimes his son Dima drags a package with him, sometimes leaves things in the house and then the walk lasts 3-4 minutes.

If you calmly observe this, then the resistance will pass. And here, too, there is a pattern - the longer the pressure was exerted on the child, the more time it takes to react to the resistance.

But there are no more persuasions, screams and scandals. From now on, Dima dresses himself. Not because my mother said, but because it is COLD and he himself wants not to freeze.

Over time, Son Dima and mother Nastya learned to consulthow best to dress and put on shoes for the weather, what is the temperature. Yes, sometimes Dima did not guess with the clothes, but he always had a choice. And the more freedom of choice there was, the more Dima trusted his mother. And the more Dima's son made mistakes and realized them, the more Nastya's mother trusted her son that he could take care of himself.

No pressure, no resistance.

Yes, now that he is a teenager, he will not need to run around school, persuading him to put on a hat. Dima knows what cold is, and his body knows what is necessary for survival. And he knows that no one is forcing him, that he is free and can make a decision based on the feeling of his cold receptors, and not out of resistance to unyielding parental authority.

This is how doing something instead of a child, feeding him, dressing him, insuring against absolutely all falls, solving his quarrels in the sandbox - parents can deprive a child of the desire to do at least something, courage, strength and confidence that he himself can solve your problems.

Not surprisingly, this behavior can be perceived by the child as if he is "causing irreparable benefit."