2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I have been advising families with children over 9 years old and often face the following requests: “the child does not want to learn homework, make efforts, clean the room, wash the dishes”. These messages are followed by others: "I am already tired of fighting with him, it is impossible to force him to do something, he behaves irresponsibly …". If this sounds familiar to you, then this article is for you.
In my practice, I notice that dependent children are with those parents who control the life of their children and are afraid to let them go. There is also a reverse process. Controlling the life of their children up to a certain age, parents at one point realize that their child has already grown up, that it would be time for him to be independent and responsible … and throw him into adulthood, for which he is not at all ready.
The process of becoming a child's independence is a gradual process. And it begins from early childhood, when the child first gets used to being without a mother for a short time, playing with a rattle, and then this time for independent play increases.
Time passes and the child grows, becomes more curious. This period of active knowledge of the world can pass constructively, thanks to the correct actions of the parents. If the parents all the time pull on the child and tell him: “This cannot be touched, you are still small”, “Move away, you will not succeed”, “Let me do it myself…”, the process of forming independence slows down. And behind it, cognitive activity slows down, which is not only related to educational activities in the future, but directly affects the motivation and responsibility of a little person in many areas of his life.
One of the most important conditions for proper upbringing is the idea of what will happen next. Stephen Covey, in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, writes about the need to start something, always "presenting the end goal." Starting from the ultimate goal is the main quality of any successful person. It is also one of the most important qualities of good parents. What we need to remember is that with every step in upbringing, with every action or word in relation to a child, we prepare him for adulthood. Many parents (and not only parents, but also grandparents) belong to the type of “helping” parents. I will give you some real life examples:
- I took my child from the garden, I go out the gate. A grandmother stands and stretches out her hands to her granddaughter with the words: "Do you want me to carry you?" The child did not even ask for it. What behavior is developed in this case in the child?
- On the playground, when she was walking with her child, one mother began to control the game of her child: “No, it’s not so, take it differently, change with another boy, you’re doing it wrong…”. Will the child want to play this game next time?
Conclusions: when we help our children, especially when they don’t ask us about it, it harms them and they form a firm belief that everyone should help them.
Parents help their children to get out of different situations. For them, every "imperfection" of a child or even a misdemeanor becomes an occasion to show their love.
Maternal anxiety, which is a serious prerequisite for a child's lack of independence, is transmitted to him and manifests itself in the form of indecision in his actions, insecure behavior. I will give an example from my practice. A year ago, a mother approached me for a consultation with a request for her 12-year-old son's self-doubt. In the course of the consultation, we discussed with her the question: what is her child responsible for, and what he is not responsible for, what she allows him to do, and what is not yet. By the end of the consultation, the boy's mother realized that the part of the responsibilities for which her child is responsible is the part where he feels confident. In fact, it is that
Responsibility = Independence.
Her son teaches lessons himself, collects a portfolio, goes to school, chooses clothes. When I spoke personally with this boy, he confirms that he feels confident in these situations. Uncertainty is created by those situations where the mother does not give her son a "breath of fresh air" or is very worried about him. Such situations include: the friendship of her son with other guys, the inability to get out of conflict situations, and others.
So, in general, children reach the level of maturity to which their parents bring them - not at all higher. Parents are the authority for the child, and they have full responsibility for how independent their child will be. In other words, how much they can give in the upbringing of independence, responsibility and trust their children in various matters is exactly how much they can take. The child grows up the way he is brought up.
I suggest you do an exercise called "Limits of Responsibility." This exercise will help you become more aware of some reason for the child's behavior.
An exercise. Briefly describe the situation you are concerned about. It could be some kind of conflict or certain behavior of the child that makes you uncomfortable. Write down how you feel about this situation. Write the answers to the questions:
- How have I contributed to the existence of this problem, what is my role in causing this problem?
- Whose problem is this?
- What can I do to help him sense the problem?
- What am I doing to prevent him from feeling the problem?
There is another aspect of responsibility - the difference between "being unable" and "being uncomfortable." Many children think that they are one and the same, and think that if they do not like something, then they cannot do it. Therefore, it is up to someone else to do what is inconvenient for them. And this other is a parent.
The conviction that he cannot do what he does not like prevents the child from understanding the main thing: he himself is responsible for his life and his problems, and no one will do it for him. In this case, you can say something like this: "In my opinion, you have encountered some difficulties, but I will wait for you to turn to me yourself."
But, on the other hand, parents should not maintain in the child the illusion that he does not need anyone. Imagine a situation: a baby has fallen, and his mother is in a hurry to pick him up before he himself called for help. The kid gets the impression, "I am very strong and do not need help," because at that moment he did not have to take responsibility for calling for help. Give your child the opportunity to ask you to help him. This is the only way to help the child realize his need for support and love.
Too often, children's behavior does not create problems for them personally. They do not tolerate any hardships because of him. Instead, parents turn the child's problem into their own. Remember: the child himself must worry about the fact that he has a problem, and look for ways to solve it. It is the parent's role to help the child want it. The consequences will become the necessary motivation. Through causality, children learn to take responsibility for their lives.
Many parents chew on the child, tear and toss, threaten. And then reality ceases to be his problem. The parent himself becomes the problem. Moreover, a parent who does not love the child does not provide him with any help in the correct perception of reality.
In my practice, I often come across parents of children who are trying to teach their children different skills (to take care of themselves, be neat, teach lessons on time, maintain order in the room, etc.). But they are trying to do this through threats, manipulation, pressure, begging, insisting on their own. Parents themselves agree that none of the ways to draw attention to a child's problem or to develop a skill does not work. Moreover, parents note that relations with their children are deteriorating, it is more and more difficult for them to reach out to their children, because children move away, and sometimes even close themselves off from their parents. And all because the level of trust in the atmosphere in which the child himself would like to develop, learn to be independent and responsible, is very low. Top up your child's emotional account every day, and you will see how he became not only more receptive to your words, but also more motivated for success and responsibility !!
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