Nine Taboo First Date Topics (and Questions To Ask)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Once I met an Italian sexologist-psychoanalyst. He had many international titles and an impressive size … a teddy bear in the front passenger seat of a car, the size of a human being. Once he was stopped by the police, checked his documents and asked, pointing to the bear, they say, what's this. The guy looked at them with a specific psychoanalytic look and chasedly said, as in a session: “Do you want to talk about this? What's the problem? He's strapped on! The police immediately gave him the documents, they stopped smiling at once. But actually, his insurance was expired, however, they did not notice. So Italian sexologists in general can be trusted. For example, the Italian psychologist and sexologist Marta Giuliani conducted research and brought out the most dangerous questions for a first date. Moreover, it is advisable to avoid these topics for both men and women.

1) Do you want to start a family? On the first date, it's best not to talk about marriage and children. This makes it difficult to see the whole person, to be in the present moment. The topic is dangerous already because it begins to direct the scenario of the evening, makes you fantasize and build illusions, instead of just communicating. Better to ask: "How do you imagine yourself in 10 years?" This question is not so obvious, and it will help a person open up deeper and wider, you will learn about his dreams, ambitions and, perhaps, about the desire for stronger connections. 2) Do you remember your ex? Why did you break up?

No one likes to talk about exes, especially if you have someone in front of you who shows interest in you. Revisiting the past, especially personal past, can create an atmosphere of interrogation, intensify both of you’s fears or fantasies, and create unnecessary communication difficulties. This question is one of the kind that is asked to test the "reliability" and "emotional availability" of another. In a sense, the topic of exes is a violation of personal boundaries, since you are not very familiar with it, so by asking questions about the ex you create a strong sense of insecurity in the other person. So avoid deliberately digging into his past. Better to ask, "Do you feel happy now?" or "What makes you feel better during difficult times?" 3) When will we meet again?

The evening is not over yet, but if we liked the person, we involuntarily ask ourselves the question of when will we see each other again. On the one hand, this question signals to the other that there is a spark. But on the other hand, it deprives the moment of charm, makes you start planning, the harmony of the presence of "here and now" is disturbed. And sometimes people start asking this question to make sure that their feelings are mutual or just to confirm sympathy out of vanity, and this feels like fake. Better to ask specifically, for example: "Listen, next Saturday I'm going to go to a concert, a show, a play … Would you like to go too?" 4) What is your income? How much do you earn?

On the first date, it's definitely better not to talk about money. Of course, it is important to understand whether a person is satisfied with their life and their work. But care must be taken not to overstep personal boundaries. The topic of personal income is quite sensitive, and makes the interlocutor feel as if under an X-ray. Better to ask more broadly, "Do you like your job?" 5) Have you ever cheated? Have you ever betrayed your exes?

Betrayal is an emotionally complex topic that is difficult to deal with and cannot be reduced to a trivial yes or no answer. What from the outside looks like betrayal or betrayal, for someone who betrays or cheats, may have a completely different context. The question itself is very intrusive and runs the risk of reminding you of unpleasant situations from the past, which will immediately be projected onto you and all these negative feelings will be associated with you. Better to ask, "What do you hate the most in a relationship?" It's also a more useful question to ask what aspects the other person considers fundamental in a relationship. 6) How often do you meet friends when you have a serious relationship?

It is impossible at the very beginning to evaluate and give a guarantee for the future that a person will be able to abandon friends in your favor. Some do not understand the danger of this issue, wanting to protect themselves. However, he also violates the personal space of the other. In addition, friends in fact do not pose any threat to the relationship in a couple, as some believe, but on the contrary, they are a positive signal of the social individuality of the individual. Relationships should not be confused with symbiosis either. Every person should have a personal comfort zone, even if they are in a relationship.

Better to ask, “What do you usually do with your friends? Where do you go? How are you spending your time? etc. This question will provide a better understanding of how a person builds relationships with others.

7) Do your parents interfere with your personal life?

The topic of parents in general, and even more so of parental influence on a person, is a very delicate area of life. Some people ask this question in an attempt to secure themselves for the future. But this is a gross interference in someone else's family dynamics, and a person with a healthy psyche will immediately turn on a protective effect. It will "collapse" and back down. The topic of parents and family in general requires respect and sensitivity.

Better to ask, "Which person are you most attached to in your life?" This approach can probably lead to the disclosure of the topic of the family, although not necessarily. But in any case, it will help to approach with great grace to the exploration of the very intimate and personal sphere of another. 8) Have you ever fallen in love / fell in love?

And what is the real question behind this, what do we want to know? What is a person capable of love? Or that he might fall in love with us? Or is he trying to probe the waters, is his / her heart busy? This question may contain different needs or fears. But it can provoke a boomerang effect, that is, reactivate strong memories and associated pain. Plus, this is also a very personal topic. Better to ask: "Have you ever done / did something crazy in your life?" or "What's the craziest thing you've ever done?" These questions do not say anything about past loves, but will help to understand the level of empathy and sensuality of the other.

9) What do you like about me?

Quite a common question that often comes up in different versions. Such curiosity about how you look in the eyes of another is natural and quite healthy, but on the first date it sounds risky, looks like a sign of egocentrism. In addition, the information held by the other person at that time is minimal. Basically, this is a request for feedback based on first impressions, often influenced by bias, fantasy, or a desire to flatter. Better to ask: "What do you like most about a woman / man?" This simple wording will allow the other person to give more sincere answers and leave room for flirting. And directness, especially on a first date, kills all the magic of a love game.