2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It is logical that each of us is not born confident or unsure of ourselves. Our self-esteem, as well as the whole idea of ourselves, is formed throughout our life. Otherwise, psychotherapy would not work as a method. From the word at all.
While I was reading about the stages of the formation of my own I, I came across an interesting moment: with self-esteem, it seems, the same principle works as in other “stages of the development of something”: it can “freeze” at some stage. Well, for example, you've probably met people who are inclined to see the world (including yourself) as an exclusively black-and-white picture, where everything is fabulously divided into good and evil. Or constantly looking for authorities who will tell them how to live correctly and / or cloudlessly. Or all the time it saves its I, overthrowing the parental figures, so that "as you like, just not as they are !!!". Or maybe some of these strategies will be similar to your own. Who knows. But I can say for sure about myself that I personally returned to some of these stages when I was already an adult - experiencing stress or re-living the previously unlived.
1. About a year … Until this age, the child perceives himself and the mother as a single whole. The older he gets, the more he learns to distinguish his own bodily sensations, and later to control them. In this context, a frequent question from gestalt therapists, "What do you feel now?" no longer seems so strange and hackneyed. Our self-image is literally and inextricably linked to bodily sensations
2. 3-4 years … The child learns to recognize himself in the mirror. From that time on, he knows that "I am I and I do not cease to be I even after a while." At this age, the child is actively playing and begins to understand what he can and cannot. What works and what doesn't. Relationships with others are formed according to the principle of "good or bad." Well, for example: when mom is somewhere close by and pays attention, she is definitely good. But if she goes to the supermarket for a couple of hours, she's already bad. In the world of a three-year-old, a significant other cannot be both good and bad at the same time. Their relationship to others is shaped emotionally and situationally. As in the world of adults who are "stuck" at this stage, their self-image is jumping in the same way. From your own insignificance to greatness and perfection. That is why it is often so difficult to be in close relationships with them.
3.6-11 years old … The self-assessment of a younger student is based on the assessment of authoritative adults. And at school there are many more of them - teachers and educators are added to the large and important parental figures. And, worst of all, assessments appear, the view of which from the side of psychologists is very ambiguous. Moreover, there is a terrible phenomenon called "the child as a narcissistic expansion of the personality", when parents, without becoming prima ballerinas before their 30-40 years, make a ballerina out of their child. Or an IT engineer is raised from the cradle. Or just an excellent girl. No, wait, it's not easy. And to be the best in the class! And so that the whole quarter knows about it! The results of such upbringing are often deplorable: a person's self-esteem "jumps" depending on the assessments of significant people. And then you always want to receive a medal. And more, more medals! Otherwise, the world will collapse, and the person himself will turn into nothing.
4.12-18 years old … The teenager begins to actively develop reflection, the world finally ceases to be black and white. In general, this is a key period in the formation of self-esteem and, in general, ideas about oneself. This is where the child turns into an adult. And, undoubtedly, it deserves a separate article. But still. During this period, a person is clearly aware of his own characteristics and differences. And for him, the peer society becomes especially important. And it is in this period that it is so easy to hurt about the rejection of others. School bullying, bullying, ridicule, rejection - all of these can leave a deep imprint on our social self and self-esteem. And many adults, 10/20/30 years later, come to therapy with self-esteem problems, the roots of which grow out of these “don't pay attention, talk and calm down” bullying. Also at this age, the child switches to "self-government" - that is why it is so important to form his own opinion and vision, which is different from the parents. The child begins to separate from his parents, to form independent ideas about himself. Not everyone goes through this stage at the age of 15 - sometimes a person returns to it at 20, 30 or even 40 years old. And sometimes he never returns and remains psychologically dependent on his parents for the rest of his life.
The canvas for my reflections on the topic was the books of the remarkable psychologist I. S. Kona. True, he is one of the best post-Soviet psychologists. I highly recommend it to everyone.
To be continued.
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