How The Depressive Character Was Formed

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

How did the depressive character develop, how did this eternally guilty and constantly sad person become like this? If you are interested in this topic, somehow resonates in you, I invite you to talk about it in this article.

As Freud once assumed, and then all subsequent psychologists who studied this topic, a depressive character is a consequence of the fact that the child was frustrated too early and he did not yet have the resources to adapt to the new situation.

For example, I will give the main, the most common option - the divorce of the parents. Moreover, a divorce at a time when the child is only two or three years old, a period when he still does not understand that dad is leaving his mother, and not from him. For him, everything, still in this sense, is either black or white, everything is very categorical and there is no understanding that someone can leave the other, sometimes even loving. Understanding that a divorce from a mother has nothing to do with a child. A child at that age takes care of everything.

And further, what happens to the child? On the one hand, he is angry with this parent, and on the other hand, he feels love and longing for him, which is why he begins to scold himself inside for not appreciating this parent enough, at the moments when he was still with him. And if, in principle, everything is clear with love, then it is very difficult for a child to experience anger, because it is necessary to experience it in oneself. And to admit that “I'm angry” for a child is impossible.

As a result, the child begins to project his hostility, his anger, onto the parent. He begins to think that this parent left me, feeling anger and resentment towards me. Over time, the image of this parent is washed away, disappears, and this anger and resentment become part of this little man. Such a slightly hostile part of me, she constantly confronts him, scolds him, etc.

Gradually, the image of the abandoned parent is erased, expelled from the inner sensation, and the child begins to consider himself bad. Instead of considering that parent bad, being angry with him, he begins to direct this anger towards himself and consider himself bad.

First, the child is angry with the parent, then he directs himself, then again at him, then at himself. And in fact, this double mechanism is then used in therapy. Because therapy is like a reverse process.

Unfortunately, for such a person, his own perception and the perception of the parent becomes quite categorical: everything is either white or black. Such a child begins to perceive himself as completely bad, I am completely “black”, I am unworthy, and that parent is completely white, he is idealized, he is beautiful. He dumped me because I was doing something bad.

In this regard, depressed people often tend to live with abusers, tyrants, sadists. Because it fits well with their inner worldview that I am bad and I have to change quickly, somehow, so that they would treat me differently. Or “I, in general, do not deserve any other attitude” - about such attitudes, a person with a depressive character keeps inside himself.

Accordingly, the child believes that the parent left the family precisely because he was bad. We left the child, not because mom and dad had a fight, but only because of him.

Why does it happen that the child directs anger not at the parent, but at himself? The child has a rather deep unconscious belief that if I openly show anger, this will lead to a breakdown in the relationship. And such a belief, in essence, is what causes the child to form such an approach to himself. The parent left, and I was angry with him, a little time passes, and the child forgets the real sequence, it starts to seem to him that he was angry and therefore the parent left, because he does not know any other reasons for the parent's departure and unfortunately does not see it. Therefore, I should not be angry with my partner, in no case should you sort things out - this will lead to a total, complete rupture.

In addition, through this understanding, a great relief of anxiety is achieved. In the sense that I have strength, I control this situation, I will eventually improve, I will do something so that my partner comes back. After all, once they left me, because I am bad.

You know, Ferbern put it very beautifully in this sense, he said: the human psyche is arranged like a kind of postulate or axiom - it is easier for us to be a sinner in a world ruled by a good God than to be a saint in a world ruled by the devil.

Accordingly, on the basis of this postulate, one can see that everyone is guided by the principle: I would rather think that I am bad, but I have strength, I have control, I can correct myself, change something. Than to admit that the world is diabolical and it is impossible to change anything. After all, this leads to the loss of the resource state, for the child it becomes scary, unsafe: he does not understand which moments he can control and which he cannot. If he admits that his parent is bad, and really failed to provide him with enough security, a sufficient supportive environment, then for him it is tantamount to admitting that the world is bad. And even if you can't rely on your parents, then who can you rely on at all? It's scary, it's not safe. Accordingly, it is easier to direct the anger at yourself and fight with yourself. I will still change something, somehow correct myself - and then the world will change, and the parent will treat me differently.

What other variations in the development of a depressive character can there be? For example, when there is a denial of loss in the family, dad left, and the family pretends that we are better off without this person, we are now so happy. Or, in the event of death, when they try to make this topic forbidden, one cannot talk about it, there is a prohibition on experiencing grief.

Another variation: when the experience of grief is ridiculed, for example, the child is called a jerk. Or just some kind of crisis moment happens for the child, it is hard for him, and they mock him: why are you sniffing here. When the family is considered to be something selfish, to show some resources of self-support: cry or something like that. All this is considered something bad, terrible, the child is called an egoist, a jerk, phrases sound: you can't feel sorry for yourself, and so on. This, in the end, can lead to depression if the child has a constant ban on experiencing sadness, grief, some difficult difficult feelings, experiences.

Also, this perception is characteristic of children with not very empathic parents. For example, those who leave him in the kindergarten, often forget him there and at the same time do not support the child. Related to this, "oh well, who does not happen, forgot and forgotten." But it’s one thing when parents treat such a situation as something deserving of attention, say: “Sorry, baby, it happened,” they somehow console me, take them on the pens, stroke them. Or they forgot, and this is a common situation for you - they took the hand and went home in silence. Such moments, which occur on a regular basis, in the end also lead to depression.

Also, the development of this type of character, perhaps, in children whose parents, in particular mothers, were with a pronounced depressive character. Or at a time when the child was still at an early age, the mother suffered from severe depression. It can also be in a family where one or both of the parents are emotionally or actually withdrawn, or take turns showing both.

For example, a situation when a girl's mother suffered from cancer for a long time, naturally she was emotionally detached from her, then she died. And dad, who after that fell into some depression, complained all the time, worried. We see in this situation, at first the mother was not emotionally, then in fact, and then again, this was aggravated by the father's emotional absence.

Even the emotional absence of the mother, at the moments when the child needs her support, at the moments when the baby does not have enough resources to cope with the situation, can cause depression. Or, for example, a child experienced frequent shocks, illness of relatives, death, or even just frequent moving.

In fact, any moments that became frustrating for the child, when he did not yet have the strength to adapt, and the parents did not help him adapt at least emotionally, did not support him, can become a factor in the development of this nature. After all, it is very important for a child to understand and feel that even if he is in such a difficult situation as moving, divorce, illness of relatives and even death, he still has at least one loyal friend - mom or dad. Those who will support, help him survive the terrible loss that worries him so much. If the emotional field is empty, cold, this will lead to depression and, as a result, a depressive character.