2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Catch-up Runaways: A Chronicle of a Relationship
It's all like this:
running, I'm catching up
If you turn around, I run away …
Accident
I continue my already traditional series of articles about complementary marriages. In this article I will describe another scenario for this kind of relationship in a couple.
The story of the couple. Characters: She and He
She. Woman, 33 years old. Pretty, even, perhaps, beautiful. With higher education. Loves him. Can't live without him.
He. Male 35 years old. Not devoid of attractiveness. With higher education. Loves her. But from time to time he tries to "escape" from her.
Their life. She is afraid that he will "someday leave her", constantly lives in tension and anxiety. Controls him, watches over him.
He is annoyed and angry at her control. He is "strangled by these relationships", he "does not have enough air" in them. His freedom is constantly limited, periodically there is a desire to escape from her.
At the beginning of the relationship, everything was fine with them. But she always "knew" that he would leave her someday. She tried to be closer to him. And at first she did it! They were not He and She, they were "We"! At first, he found her “clinging” to him sweet and even flattered his pride, increased his self-worth. But over time, it became more and more annoying.
He began to show his irritation and periodically "run away" from her "close embrace". I began to stay longer at work, I remembered my half-forgotten friends and my abandoned hobbies. Her anxiety began to grow and she began to "cling" to him, began to control him.
And one day he went too far. And it has ceased to be a mystery. And she realized that her fears were not in vain! What she was afraid of all the time happened!
He admitted his mistake, returned to the couple, but did not repent - “what happened was her fault too! There was no need to strangle him like that. " She forgave him, but did not forget - “she has nothing to do with it! Himself to blame! Nobody forced him to change!"
It became unbearable to live like this together. And it turned out to be impossible to disperse either: no one wanted to take responsibility for this step. The couple's trust was eroded. Everyone had an unpleasant aftertaste after the incident. She, having already finally asserted that he would someday leave her, began to control him even more, although she promised him that she would not do it! He promised her that he would not "run away" anymore, but he saw that she still did not loosen his grip, was angry with her and more and more often "looked to the side."
The relationship is finally at an impasse! But they were lucky. They had the wisdom to understand that "something is wrong here" and to admit that "in what happens between them, perhaps, there is an unconscious contribution of each of them." And so they found themselves in a psychotherapist's office. Perhaps together. And possibly separately. But most importantly, both!
The story above isn't all that rare when it comes to couples. At the same time, a man with a woman can change places in such a relationship, but the essence of the relationship remains the same - runaways-catch-ups! Psychologists call them emotionally dependent.
History of their experiences before the meeting
Here we are dealing with the result of the breakdown of attachment in early experience. Each partner has his own. But both did not develop healthy attachment experiences in the relationship with the maternal object. And their adult relationship with a partner is an attempt to fill this deficit, in which the partner is assigned the role of an object of affection with the expectation of unconditional love from him. This relationship is unconscious, scriptural, and each of the partners perfectly "plays his role" in this play, having no idea that this is a "play" or that he is one of its actors.
If you are wondering how people get involved in such a game and how to stop it, then I will write a continuation of this story.
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