In Debt To Rod

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Svetlana sat, thinking about her life. One of these days she turns 50 years old. She did not understand whether to rejoice at the anniversary or be upset? Feelings were mixed. Previously, a birthday was held in fun and celebration, but now? Sadness and melancholy filled these minutes.

She looked at the floor and thought that with every year of her life, she more often thinks about death. Svetlana was afraid. It was indescribable horror, and breathing stopped. In an instant, she can cease to exist - no feelings, no sensations, no smells, nothing … And she does not know when this will happen, planning her life further.

I wanted to live. Longer, always, without stopping, without end. In moments like this, she fell in love with life again, trying to get more. Everyday life saved me from these thoughts.

But before falling asleep, she asked herself the question: did she live this day with dignity? What did you do? Appreciating the past tense.

Svetlana stopped at the thought: "time estimation". As if she is accountable for life. The thought arose that someone sacrificed himself for the sake of future generations. And she must live it with dignity, not in vain. The sacrifice was not made in vain. Some kind of weight fell on her shoulders, it became hard to breathe.

Who gave his life for the children? To whom does she hold the answer for how she lives? The only one who could be this grandfather. Her father's father, whom Svetlana did not know. She hadn’t even heard of him from her father. It was known that my grandfather had been sent to the Far East. He was a Russian Finn. Polish wife. They had children there. The eldest daughter died when she was three years old. Then her father fell ill with pneumonia, and his mother decided to leave, leaving her husband there. He could not leave those places.

Grandfather was left alone, giving his life for the sake of his children. She was amazed at this sacrifice, the power of such an act. There was guilt for being alive. Resentment and anger came to replace that it is necessary to answer for the life you live. She didn’t know anything about it and didn’t understand what it meant “worthy”? How to determine? Someone gave her word and she followed him. Someone took an oath and Svetlana performed.

It's terrible how everything happens - she is afraid of death, because she does not know whether she lived her life worthily in order to die. If “not worthy,” then she must try and earn the right to die. It turned out that she was not afraid of death itself, but a debt for life, and if she does not give it back, then she cannot die.

But on the other hand, it plays into the hands - she doesn't seem to die until she settles with her grandfather. She stopped at the word "sort of." Death is inevitable.

If she does not cope with the duty to her grandfather, then the next generation will pick up this duty and will try to live with dignity in the name of the dead. But there was one question, what is “living with dignity”? After all, no one knows how the parting took place, the farewell, what the last words were said, even there is no correspondence.

But there was one important detail that her father survived, took care of his mother and younger brother. He got married, gave two lives. The grandfather's family continued.

Svetlana, in turn, gave birth to two children and has already met with her grandchildren. She realized that she had not lived in vain. And the father lived with honor and confirmation of this - she, her children and grandchildren. The feeling of heaviness on the shoulders is gone.

She smiled, got up and went to go about her business. After all, the anniversary is coming soon and something needs to be prepared for it.

From SW. Gestalt therapist Dmitry Lenngren