"Yes, I Was Joking!" (about Toxic Humor In Relationships)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Taunts, humor, jokes, jokes … On the one hand, these are some harmless things that can bring freshness, novelty, and even pleasure and joy to a relationship. On the other hand, it’s all good when it’s mutual. When this mutual game-exchange of jokes brings pleasure to both partners in a relationship and, most importantly, that they feel comfortable at the same time.

But there are other situations where ridicule can be a form of psychological abuse. I will give you some examples from my practice and observations of my acquaintances.

“He constantly attacks me, asks some questions, it seems to me that I have to make excuses to him. But when I start to defend myself, answer questions, defend my opinion, he turns everything into a joke, starts laughing, or he can simply say: "Yes, I was joking!" From such "jokes" everything inside me is strongly compressed, and I feel tension. Then we can translate the topic, but after a while everything repeats again."

This woman talks about how her husband's jokes, his laughter, where she is not funny, bring her discomfort. I want to run away so as not to hear what is unpleasant, so as not to make excuses, becoming in the position of a victim. It takes a lot of effort to withstand this tension, and a feeling of anger and injustice appears. Anger in this situation is a marker that boundaries have been violated. This is a wake-up call to the fact that humor in these situations is not something bringing together, giving pleasure. On the contrary, it is an obstacle to a full and high-quality contact that would satisfy both partners. Here we clearly see that from harmless communication with jokes and jokes for one person, it turns into suffering and pain for another, even at the bodily level.

“My husband and I have long been accustomed to communicating with each other in the language of humor, we often joke about each other, we can tease each other. Sometimes these are harmless phrases, but sometimes you have to hear words and "harder". I don’t stay in debt either.”

Let's analyze this option. It would seem that everyone is happy with everything, this is such an unwritten rule in relationships that “it is customary for us to joke about each other, and there is nothing like that here”. People have adapted to each other and, perhaps, get some pleasure from it. Even insults, and somewhere profanity do not pass through the filter of respect in a relationship.

For some couples, such an intensity in the relationship brings its own special poignancy, zest, and even maintains passion for each other. It seems that on this mutual shooting of arrows at each other, sincere feelings of love, care are maintained, but this is not so.

All this reminds me of some kind of sado-masochistic game, which is organized by people with a neurotic disposition.

Neurotic people feel an inner insecurity, vulnerability, and inferiority. To defend against their partner and the world in general, they begin to attack. Often, neurotic behavior takes the form of indirect (unconscious) and verbal aggression in order to throw off one's emotional stress. Expressing aggression in the form of anger and anger is not always socially acceptable, damages relationships and leads to conflict. Humor and ridicule are salvations for relieving stress, but it can also humiliate and overwhelm the other partner. At the same time, the neurotic himself believes that he is acting correctly and appropriately (as we see in the first case: "Yes, I was joking!"), Not taking his partner's words seriously, devaluing his feelings and behaving offensively.

Thus, partners become a kind of "scapegoats", containers for relieving tension that arises in the relationship. Behind this tension are deeper unconscious human needs, which are not directly expressed, but find a “workaround”.

The release of tension in the form of jokes cannot go without a trace for the relationship. Partners lose self-esteem, the sexual sphere suffers, mutual understanding and warmth leave the relationship, they become more superficial. And more and more a person moves away from himself, not realizing that this form of communication destroys him …