2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Probably one of the most popular requests with which people come to therapy is the topic of relationships, difficulties, expectations and experiences associated with them. In my practice, I see a pattern: the more we know about our own view of relationships, the more chances we have of making them happy.
For myself, I deduced 10 truths on which my marriage is built and decided to share them:
1) I believe that a true relationship is a reciprocal process, no exceptions. When conflicts arise, there is no one guilty party. Therefore, family therapy takes place in the format of a meeting with both partners.
2) I believe that there is no ideal relationship, as in the fairy tale: "And they lived happily ever after." The moment you come closer to the Other, it is impossible to avoid all trauma and anticipate all conflicts. In relationships, we “strip”, allow each other to our vulnerable points, but we are different and can hurt.
3) I believe relationships have healing and destructive powers. In relationships with some people - we develop, strengthen faith in ourselves, see the world wider. With others, we constantly feel guilt, inferiority, such relationships are often spoken of as toxic (i.e., those that poison).
4) I believe that true strong relationships are always built on a foundation of honesty, trust and respect.
5) I believe that conflicts are inevitable and can be constructively resolved. The most important thing is the willingness to negotiate. If we are ready to negotiate, we can overcome all difficulties together.
6) I believe that only if I have I, and you have You, we can be born.
This is about starting with understanding and realizing your own self. What do I want? Do I have dreams? How do I see my and our future? This will protect you from sacrifice, disappointment and blame: “I gave you the best years of my life”
7) I believe that freedom is very important for strong and close relationships. This freedom is very much about acceptance too. I do not expect my wife to meet my requirements or expectations. She is free to be who she wants to be and to choose what she thinks is right. If freedom and acceptance are a value for my partner, then I don't need to appear in a relationship either. It is not scary to be weak, tired, sick and powerless. To admit that I don't understand a damn thing about much of what my partner understands.
8) I believe that the difference of interests is not an obstacle to the relationship. On the contrary, it can stimulate you to develop. After all, I wonder why your significant other loves what - what he loves.
9) I believe that love is in the little things. In a cup of coffee in the morning, in washed dishes, in hugs, taking care of his / her health. My wife sometimes falls asleep suddenly in different parts of the apartment. For me, love is to carry her to bed, quietly so as not to wake her up, and to cover her.
10) I believe that it is impossible to forcefully change anyone in a relationship. But if the partner feels safe, he himself begins to change, you will see. Relationships are about accepting each other's past and working in the present to create a shared future.
Of course, this list can be continued for a long time, but here I tried to collect the most important and valuable for me. Do you have what you believe in in a relationship?
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