How To Talk To Your Child About Death

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

As a family psychologist, I often met the question: "Should I tell my child about the death of a loved one?" And, purely theoretically, I knew that it was necessary. She explained to her parents how to do it better so as not to frighten the child. But, I realized all the need for this only when I myself was in a similar situation.

Our whole family was expecting a baby, my son watched the growth of his tummy, stroked it, he knew that his brother was living there now. When I left for the hospital, I told him not to cry, that I would soon be back not alone, but with the baby. She prepared him in every possible way for a meeting with a new family member.

But … I returned from the hospital alone. It is difficult to describe in words what we adults experienced, and whether it was necessary. The main thing I encountered was that my baby, who was a little less than one and a half years old, and who had been terribly independent all this time, stopped letting me go even for a short while. He began to have panic attacks, and his sleep became restless. At first, thinking hard and being in a depressed state, I attributed his behavior to general nervousness and our connection with him, that he feels my state and reacts accordingly. But, later, I realized what was really the matter.

I was experiencing a feeling of loss and involuntarily broadcast it to my son. He felt a sense of loss with me, but did not fully understand what or whom he had lost. For him, this meant the fear of losing contact. And, which is quite obvious for his age, he decided that he would lose me if I, even for a short time, fell out of sight. Hence the panic and hysteria. But the worst thing was that the trust he had won in me began to collapse, bit by bit.

When I realized this, I began to tell the kid about what had happened. Many times and in different situations (at moments of fear) to explain that it is not he who will lose me or dad, that this brother is no longer with us. We took him with us to the cemetery so that he watched us clean and decorate the "baby's house". He himself chose and brought the little brother a typewriter. Gradually, the fears began to go away, and our trust with him was restored.

The main reason why childhood fears arise is the so-called "blank spots". Anything that is unconscious and needs to be explained creates fear and anxiety. Even if you think that “he still will not understand this” or “this does not concern him,” all the same, rest assured, it will scare him and make him doubt your love for him. And any uncertainty and mystery inevitably destroys trust between people.

A little more about what exactly and how to tell a child about death (a loved one, a pet, about a funeral procession seen in life or on TV):

1. Don't hide the truth. Explain what happened in an accessible form, without frightening details, but also without deception (he fell asleep, left for distant countries, etc.). It is important for a child to know that he has not been abandoned! That a deceased person (or animal) loves him, but it so happened that his life ended. That now they can keep each other in their hearts (lives in heaven with angels or something like that, which will help the child preserve the bright image of the departed).
2. Don't hide your feelings. Of course, children do not need to see all our experiences, but if it happens that a child has witnessed loud crying, hysterics, manifestations of fear and panic, then you definitely need to discuss this with him. Explain what happened to you and that it is not related to him (!).
3. Teach to react. Children often do not understand how to behave in such situations and feel helpless. It is important to talk to them about their feelings, support, say that you are always there, ready to help and listen. That it's okay if you don't want to cry as much, that he has the right to feel what he feels (this often happens with older children). Or, on the contrary, to say that crying is normal.
4. Support. At the moment when the parents themselves are in a state of strong emotional shock, the child should be supported by one of the adults, explain what is happening and say that the parents are now very sad, but that they are strong and will definitely cope.
5. Do not make a "superman" and a "savior" out of the child. In the event of the death of one of the parents, you should not say: "Now you will be my protector" (it is difficult for a child to cope with his feelings, and the remnants of an internal resource will go to support an adult, which can lead to depression, illness and the search for relaxing auxiliary resources, including drugs and alcohol). You shouldn't explain to the child how and when he should feel something: "be strong, you are the strongest and bravest, and strong people (men) do not cry!" the child must decide for himself how and for how long he will live his grief, we can only support them and say that we are ready to listen and help).
6. Do not discount the experience. Sometimes, not only the loss of loved ones, but also the death of a pet can become a tremendous shock for a child and cause tremendous suffering. You shouldn't tell your child: "Don't worry, we'll buy you a new dog!" From my own experiences: when I heard: "Don't worry, you will give birth to three more!", There was just a wild feeling of anger and irritation. The only thing I wanted to answer was: “Are you stunned? What have other kids got to do with it? No matter how many I give birth after, I will always have one less child … ". Usually, with such phrases, people cover up their own powerlessness in front of your grief, they realize that they cannot help with anything but encouragement. In such a situation, only the notorious “talk about it” or “keep quiet about it”, support and hugs that make it clear that you are not alone and there is someone next to you who cares about your grief, can help. And buy a new dog when your child starts talking about it.

And life will begin. Life without someone close and loved. And this will be a new life, which is also worth learning for all of you, for your whole family. You have to go through five stages of experiencing loss: denial → aggression → bargaining → depression → acceptance. It can take a long time to go through these stages, but ultimately it is very important to let go of the one who left. You can write a letter together or draw something for the "lost" person or animal, burn the message together and scatter it in the wind. Say goodbye to him.

And, most importantly, warm hugs and words of love. Love and support heals any wound.

Take care of each other!