DEATH TALK

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

By the nature of my profession, I quite often come into contact with the topic of death. This post of mine is now more directed at colleagues than clients. Perhaps it will seem useful to someone.

When working with clients with the topic of death, it is important for a psychotherapist to analyze his own attitudes and feelings about death. I offer you such an experience - a touch on this topic. Perhaps in the course of reading that important question will arise: "What is my attitude towards death after all?"

And if there is a question, then the answer will surely be found.

Death is hard to ignore. " The question of death "itches" continuously, not leaving us for a moment; knocking on the door of our existence, quietly, barely perceptibly rustling at the very borders of the conscious and unconscious. Hidden, disguised, making its way out in the form of various symptoms, it is the fear of death that is the source of many anxiety, stress and conflict "Irwin Yalom" Looking into the sun or Life without fear of death "

It is very difficult for a person to imagine his own death. We imagine the process of dying from the words of the dying, but the state after death is impossible to imagine. Death refers to the predetermined fate of a person, but each person has his own attitude to death - this is his own philosophical concept of death, formed by his previous life experience. Moreover, it changes according to age.

The attitude towards death depends on upbringing, tradition, religion, society and one's life experience. Even if they do not speak openly about death, then certain attitudes are already contained in the upbringing of the child and are transmitted to him through the mode of action of others. This is the attitude of the parents towards the health of the child, and the attitude towards death shown in the family. Attitude towards death in the micro-society. Attitude towards death associated with national characteristics of religion and culture.

It is important to learn to distinguish between attitudes towards death and fear of death.

Meeting the fear of death can be sudden. This is the loss of someone close to you or a serious illness. Or just a close look at yourself in the mirror. This is a manifestation of old age - like loss of stamina, wrinkles, baldness. Examining old photographs of themselves or their parents - for example, determining their external resemblance to their parents at an age when they were perceived as old people, meeting friends after a long break, when it turns out that they are so old. Confrontation with personal death (“my death”) is an incomparable borderline situation that can cause a significant change in a person's entire life. … “Physically death destroys a person, but the idea of death can save him” Irwin Yalom. Death acts as a catalyst for the transition from one state of being to another, higher - from a state in which we ask ourselves the question of what things are, to a state of being shocked by what they are. Awareness of death takes us out of preoccupation with the trivial, giving life depth, poignancy and a completely different perspective.

Often, the fear of death generates intense stress when a person fully identifies with something. For example, "I am my sex appeal," "I am my job, career," "I am my family." And then the loss of a job, physical aging or divorce is perceived as a threat to life.

Here's an exercise you can use with clients who are anxious in the face of events that don't seem to justify such anxiety. Anxiety as a threat to the prolongation of existence. This disidentification exercise is called "Who am I?" Irwin Yalom refers to it in his book Existential Psychotherapy, by James Bujenthal.

Exercise "Who am I?"

On separate cards, give 8 important answers to the question: "Who am I?"

Next step: look at your 8 responses and rank them in order of importance and centrality. Let the answer be less important on the top card, and the most important on the bottom card

Now I suggest that you focus on the card and the answer at the very top. How would you feel if you gave up this attribute?

After a couple of minutes, go to the next card

And so on - all eight

Stay in this state. Listen to yourself, to your I, to your essence. You are

Now, in the reverse order, regain all your qualities

Going through the whole cycle, and consistently refusing more and more important things for himself, a person notices that in the end there is still something that he has, even if he abandoned the rest. This experience deepens his understanding of both the difficulties that are present at the moment in life and the goals that a person sets for himself in solving them.

Psychotherapeutic work with death goes in two directions: work with the death of a loved one (a situation of loss) and work with a personal philosophical concept of death.

Dealing with the death of a loved one is associated with the main features:

1) A person is faced with a difficult change in his life. In psychoanalysis, this is called the "work of grief." The loss becomes especially heavy if the deceased person has identified with the client in many areas of life. Often in these cases, a person "seems to die" along with the deceased. Psychotherapeutic work is based on finding those areas of life where this identification would be minimal or absent. Attention is paid to those actual client abilities that are involved in these areas. And this experience is transferred to areas of life that were weakened due to the death of a loved one.

2) The death of a loved one often brings significant restructuring (breaking) to the survivor's life. A person has to take responsibility for many of life's problems on himself, instead of sharing them with a loved one. In this case, the work of the therapist is focused on the stage of situational support, as if constantly seeking internal resources (those strengths of a person) on which he can rely.

3) People "in mourning" have a special role prescribed by society. They receive condolences and comply with vowel and unspoken strict restrictions. Willingly or unwillingly, they keep away from all entertainment. No matter how these restrictions at the beginning of the mourning correspond to the needs and mood of the mourning person, but it is under these circumstances that feelings of guilt, fear, aggression, internal and external conflicts often arise. Dealing with these issues is also important.

4) Religious reworking of the meaning of death often helps a person. Religious traditions mitigate the acuteness of grief.

As a result of the processing of these areas of life and in the course of therapy, a person is invited to rethink his own life, to understand the conditions and chances of what cannot be returned.

The basic principles that I adhere to in working with the topic of death can be formulated as follows:

1. Life-affirming principle

Search for resource states, individual for each client. Real life analysis. What is, what you can rely on. In all areas of life.

2. “Teaching” the client to distinguish between the attitude towards death as a given and the fear of death

“God, give me the strength to change what I can change. Give me love to accept what I cannot change. And give me wisdom to distinguish the first from the second"

3. Fear of death is a differentiated phenomenon. Connected with the body, current abilities and attitude to the past, present and future

With differentiation, the content of the fear of death becomes clearer, in which one or more life spheres it is localized. This may be the sphere of the body (fear of age-related changes, physical suffering); field of activity (fear of incompleteness: work, career, projects); sphere of contacts (fear of losing relationships); the sphere of meanings (the absence of traditions in relation to death and beliefs about the "other world").

The emotional content of the relationship to death is found in the basic emotional attitudes of childhood. This, I repeat once again, is, firstly, the attitude of parents to the health of the child. If in childhood he received an anxious and suspicious type of upbringing on the part of parents and grandparents, especially supported by such statements: "If you eat badly, you will get sick and die …" or "You need to urgently go to the doctor, otherwise it may end badly …" This approach could cause anxiety in the child, which, often, was not realized. Therefore, frequent intimidation in the absence of reflections and quiet conversations about the essence of death could form fear in childhood.

In addition, by their behavior, adults very often demonstrate their fear of death, which manifests itself in caution in dealing with cancer patients, anxiety and anxiety existing at funerals, prejudices that exist in relation to signs associated with death. The child absorbs this atmosphere and records it as a negative experience.

The attitude towards death is formed not only by the child's close relatives, but also by the society that surrounds him. This is closely related to the religious and cultural traditions of the area where the person spent his childhood.

The essence of these attitudes is also clarified in the course of therapy.

Am I afraid of death? Yes, I'm afraid. I am afraid that I will become weak and will not be able to take care of my body on my own. I'm afraid that some of my business will remain unfinished. I'm afraid my death might hurt the people I love.

How do I deal with this? If in the sphere of the body, then this is healthy care for the body today. This does not guarantee me immortality, but it fills my life today, now with wonderful physical sensations. If in the field of activity, then I try to do something useful for myself, my family, the society in which I live every day. And I believe that this is reflected in the world as a whole. Thus filling my sphere of meanings. If in the sphere of relationships - then this is what I understand that people close to me are not with me forever - this allows me to take good care of them. To say to those whom I love: “I love”, without waiting for a special occasion. Show them with deeds, care how dear they are to me.

I really like the phrase Françoise Dalto about what children need to answer to the question about death : "We only die when we stop living"

Behind the simplicity of these words, a real depth opens up for me, about the meaning of existence. The meaning of life is in life itself.

Sometimes clients, especially if they are in a state of deep depression, ask the question: "Why live if I die anyway?"

I ask them: “Why did you wake up this morning? What makes you live if life is such a sad thing?"

Talking about death is always talking about life

"The less life satisfaction, the more death anxiety." Irwin Yalom "Existential psychotherapy."

Feelings of dissatisfaction, regret, hopelessness are companions of the fear of death. In this regard, at the final stages of therapy, it is useful to ask the question: "What can you change in your life now, today, so that looking back, in a year or five years, you will not feel regret?" Thus, the client learns to take responsibility for his life, for his future.

One exercise I offer my clients in dealing with existential questions is called My Spiritual Testament.

I usually give it as homework. During this exercise, a kind of "revision" of values takes place.

Exercise "My Spiritual Testament"

In Western culture, it is customary to make a will while still alive. But you can bequeath not only material values, but also spiritual ones. Make up your spiritual will, referring to a specific person (son, daughter) or to the world. It can be changed or supplemented over time

And one more exercise. It's called "The Visit of Gratitude." This is an opportunity to feel the healing power of the “ripple effect” that Irwin Yalom talks about in his book “Peering into the Sun. Life without fear of death."

In this exercise, the context of close relationships is touched upon, and thus, through your own experience, you can learn, feel how one life can enrich another.

Gratitude Visit Exercise

Think of a living person to whom you are very grateful but have never expressed it before. Write a thank you letter

If you wish, you can then personally deliver this letter to the addressee

Death is an important part of our life. It is a reminder that our existence cannot be delayed. Nietzsche has a brilliant phrase: "Be yourself." She met even with Aristotle and went a long way - through Spinoza, Leibniz, Goethe, Nietzsche, Ibsen, Karen Horney, Abraham Maslow and the Movement for the Development of Human Potential (1960s) - up to the modern theory of self-realization.

Nietzsche's concept of becoming "oneself" is closely related to other theses: "Live your life to the end" and "Die in time." All these phrases essentially say one thing - it is important to live! In the broadest sense of the word.

My wishes to everyone who has read this article to the end:

Express yourself, realize your potential, live boldly and in full force, value life, have compassion for people and deep love for everything in the world. Think of death as a reminder that life cannot be postponed until tomorrow, for later.