Childhood Cruelty. What To Do If Your Child Is Being Bullied By Peers

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Svetlana, which children are more likely than others to become the objects of bullying and ridicule by their peers?

- Any child can be ridiculed in the school team. But not everyone becomes the object of harassment and bullying. Such a situation is a signal to think about what the child's relationship is with his own boundaries.

The topic of violated boundaries is rather rooted in the family, when a child may be told that he has no right to his own opinion, when his actions are subjected to harsh criticism. They are pushed around all the time, pulled up and thus instilled uncertainty in their own dignity and strengths, the child is weaned from defending himself. Therefore, it is highly likely that in society he will have to face the same.

And the other extreme of violation of boundaries is children with overestimated demands on the outside world, who believe that everyone owes them everything; these are such "stars" that receive everything at once.

- I always thought that when a person thinks that everyone owes him, he a priori will not become an object of persecution.

- If he has something to offer society, besides his demand that everyone love him simply because he is, then yes, you are right. But if he simply says: “You owe me everything,” then there is a high probability that the team will reject him. In the family, such a child is placed on a pedestal, he is worshiped. He comes to the team and expects the same from his peers, but faces different realities. And it's painful for him. In other words, children who are bullied are often characterized by emotional and social immaturity, vulnerability, non-compliance with norms and unwritten rules.

- What should be the attitude of parents to the child so as not to raise a potential victim for classmates?

- Initially, a child should be perceived by adults as a person, and not as an extension of himself. Yes, you gave birth to this person, but at the same time he is not you and has the right to his outlook on life, possibly different from yours. Respect your child.

When a baby comes into this world, he knows nothing. The adult's task is to explain how everything works. Even with a small child, you need to talk respectfully so that there is contact, and in the future he is not afraid to share his feelings, thoughts and problems with you. The first conflicts can arise even in kindergarten. And they are good because they are not as dangerous as in school. Using their example, the child can learn to cope with the situation with the help of adults. Therefore, there is no need to try to protect children from such stories.

- With the victims - understandable. Then, because of what kind of upbringing do the offenders appear?

- The trick is that the victim and the executioner are two sides of the same coin. And if a child somewhere else, not at school, but at home, for example, is a victim, then in order to compensate for this fact, he may become an executioner in his class. Most of the offenders are children from not very prosperous families who grow up on their own. They try to find themselves in this world through aggression. This is a kind of struggle for a place in the sun. And, unfortunately, often such children are ready to go to any lengths in order to gain recognition.

In fact, this is also a cry for help: "Guys, you can't see me, so I'll have to make sure that you finally understand how cool I am." Aggressors are the same victims, because often no one seeks to understand why they act so ugly and harshly, which pushes them to do so. They are told: "You are ugly, you are bad, you should not do this." And the fact is that the child himself is so bad that he wants to take it out "bad" on someone else.

- Following this logic, if one student beat another, then you still need to feel sorry for him?

- No, pity does not help here at all, but rather hurts, because then such children fall into a state of even greater irresponsibility. This is not the point here. You need to talk to children, listen, understand them. It is important to bring such cases up for public discussion. Call everything that happens by its proper name. Bullying is bullying and it cannot be called otherwise. We must not keep silent about this! If adults remain silent, then children will not stop and begin to sink deeper into this conflict.

It would be good if the teacher would initiate such a conversation: “Guys, it seems to me that some injustice is taking place in the class in relation to your classmate II. Explain to me, please, what's going on? What exactly does it not suit you? The main thing is to constantly keep your finger on the pulse and not miss the moment when it may be too late. Yes, I said above that the family is of great importance for the child, but when he is at school (up to 6 hours a day), then no less responsibility lies with the teacher. The class teacher should be an attentive mother in relation to her students. Everyone, without exception, even if this student does not like him for some reason.

- And how should parents behave when their child complains about bullying at school?

- As a rule, if a child has good contact with his parents, and he begins to tell them that his relationships with peers are not going well, you can often hear the following phrase from adults: “Give him a head, then he will get rid of.” But in fact, this is one of the extremes that gives rise to the continuation of the conflict. There is one more extreme: “Don't pay attention”. Unfortunately, both of them are a path to nowhere. Not paying attention to the abuser will turn him on even more. He will not untie from your child and, most likely, will increase the pressure exactly until he breaks off.

- Why can't you tell the child: "Give change if you are offended"?

- By giving such advice, you signify your helplessness. There is nothing you can suggest other than the same aggressive behavior that the other child is exhibiting. This will not solve the problem.

It is very important to understand that your son or daughter comes and tells his subjective view of the events that have taken place. Yes, the child is unpleasant, yes, it hurts, but here it is necessary to figure it out. Ask the question: "What is it that my son / daughter is doing that his peers allow themselves to behave this way with him?"

Of course, the victim is not always to blame. But, nevertheless, there are children who find themselves in similar situations and cope with them, because they are absolutely sure that they cannot be disrespected. And there are children who, on the contrary, are absolutely sure that they can be beaten, called names, humiliated. Here we again return to the parent-child relationship. There is a good phrase: “You can't do that with me, that is. I cannot be beaten, called names, humiliated”. It is her that adults should put into the head of their own child. In many cases, these words are able to stop the aggressor.

- How to properly build a dialogue with the class teacher, if you understand that your child is being offended?

- Right away I want to warn parents against going to school with a saber bald. There is no need to yell and stamp your feet, proving your innocence. This should be a constructive dialogue. To make the conversation work, put your emotions aside. It is clear that I feel sorry for the child, I want to punish the offender. But, nevertheless, keep yourself in hand.

A similar tactic should be followed if you decide to talk to the parents of a child who offends your child. Remember: each parent will always defend "his own blood". If you come and start saying: “your boy is insulting my unfortunate son,” then the dialogue will be doomed to failure. Take an adult position - do not slide down to the "sandbox": "you are a fool - no, you are a fool." The resulting conflict is a common problem for your children. If parents begin to negotiate with each other, their children will certainly also meet halfway.

Extreme measures

- What to do in a situation when the child categorically does not want mom or dad to interfere in his conflict with peers?

- In this situation, it is important to let the child understand that if he suddenly fails, you will always come to the rescue. For example: “I respect your decision. Know that I am there no matter what happens and can always help. " Just watch the situation for a while: if it starts to spiral out of control, you, as an adult, must stop it all. The main thing at the initial stage is to make it clear to your child that he is still under protection, he has a "foundation" on which to rely, if necessary.

- What signals can indicate that the child is being bullied by peers?

- Mood changes. The child does not want to go to school / kindergarten, whines, says how bad everything is around. He doesn't tell any interesting stories from the life of the class. Obvious signals - comes in bruises, reports that he has lost a notebook, or simply begins to endlessly "lose" things. This often happens because peers spoil them, take them away, or simply throw them away. In general, it is advisable to know the friends of the child. And it would be great if they periodically visit your home.

- Let's say a child has an acute conflict with peers, can transferring to another school help in this case?

- This is an extreme measure. It's better to deal with a specific team, than to constantly change them. It often happens that a child changes school after school, but cannot make friends with his classmates. In this case, it is necessary to deal with the child himself - what is he doing that society does not accept him? Perhaps he does not trust people, provokes them to do some bad deeds, or behaves aggressively himself.

- And how do you feel about the fact that children who cannot fit into the team are transferred to study at home?

- This is a very individual story. You need to watch how emotionally hurt the child is. For someone, indeed, such a step can help to recover, to believe in themselves again and become more self-confident. But in parallel, the child will definitely need to go to a psychologist and deal with the situation that has happened. And, most likely, not to him alone, but in general to the whole family. And when he recovers, "gets on his feet", then you can return to the team.

But if you solve the problem by simply closing your child off from the world, starting to protect him and saying: “Everyone around is bad, and you are extraordinary with us,” then he will never be ready to get out of these hothouse conditions. And this will further exacerbate the problem.