2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Do you know how shame differs from guilt? And from resentment? Shame and guilt are very similar in their negative feelings with a small amendment: shame is when someone else is present, there is a witness to your shame, failure, your inferiority and badness, but guilt does not need witnesses.
One of my teachers, Jean Marie Robin, claims that one hundred guilt is a retroflexed offense, that is, a kind of offense turned into guilt. Therefore, those who feel guilty are defended by accusations.
So what is guilt? In the Ukrainian language it is very well clear from the etymology of this word what the fault is connected with: "vinny" is translated as guilty, and also due, obliged. That is, when you think that you owe something to someone and do not do it, you feel guilty. Or, for example, you should not have hurt someone, but you did not want to hurt it, then you feel guilty and become obliged to this person, that is, you must have already been guilty once. So, guilt is the feeling on which it is easiest to manipulate, constantly driving a person into guilt, it becomes easy to control him. It is on guilt, fear of loss and shame that many of us are brought up, manipulating these feelings skillfully, parents bring up obedient boys and girls indebted to their parents. Such people then grow up and always meet partners who constantly reproach them and inspire them that they owe a lot and must meet the expectations of a partner (parents are replaced by a partner), or the person himself becomes a manipulator based on guilt and constantly reproaches his partner in guilt.
The roots of this misfortune are in our children's families, in our parents, who ruled us with the help of reproaches and accusations, and their parents - and so all generations. For example, somewhere in the seventh knee, your grandfather, let's say, killed a child or a woman. A feeling of guilt for this crime settled in him. It was unbearable for him to cope with this feeling, and when he had his own children and his own family, in order to relieve himself of guilt, your grandfather began to slowly blame his children and his wife for anything, and then these children grew up in guilt and passed it on to their children. they unloaded in a chain until this wine reached you. And now you understand that you have so much of this guilt that life is sickening. You already feel guilty for everything and live in total guilt, partly the one that does not belong to you, that grandfather's great-great-great … And what should you ask me to do? It is difficult to work with this, but it is possible.
To begin with, we realize that the guilt is off scale and at the beginning we say to ourselves: I do not owe anyone (en) anything. I only owe my child, and then until the age of 18, and then I don’t owe him anything and he doesn’t owe me anything, and if something good arises between me and my loved one, it’s not out of guilt and obligation, but out of love, voluntarily. And my husband doesn't owe me anything and I don't owe him anything. This must be understood, accepted and not turned into a relationship of love into slavery with the help of a sense of guilt. Further, if you understand that total guilt owns you, every time you realize it, say it like a spell: I owe nothing to anyone and no one owes me anything, if the guilt does not pass, then tell your spouse or mom, dad: I have problems with guilt, I often feel it and I am now working on it. When I feel it, I will call it out loud. If your husband looked at you crookedly or reproached you, and you immediately: "Dear, I just felt guilty from the reproach, this feeling in such an amount destroys me and it's not okay for me at all, it's unpleasant for me. Can you rephrase your reproach in Tell me what you want, ask me and if I can I will do it for you, if not, then we will think of something."
Remember that you do not have to say "yes" to all requests from your husband (wife). Observe yourself when you tell your husband yes are you saying it out of love or out of guilt or to avoid this feeling? Strike a balance of yes and no in pairs. After all, the feeling of guilt can be called one of the most destructive feelings: it is the cause of many serious psychosomatic illnesses and even trauma: guilt always seeks punishment, and being unconscious and total leads to illness, injury and destruction of relationships. Therefore, it is very important and necessary to work with wine in pairs. After all, it may happen that in old age you suddenly realize that you have lived your whole life in a sense of guilt, avoiding it, all your actions were dictated by guilt and fear of increased guilt, that you lived in captivity of this destructive feeling and passed it on to your descendants.
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