Passive Aggression

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

He does not come to a meeting with your parents, teases you in the presence of friends, belittles your dignity and devalues your achievements. And he also promises, but does not, agrees and … forgets, sabotages important events and is often offended, without explaining anything. Unfortunately, not only enemies do this - loved ones and parents, colleagues and friends, competitors and business partners do it. The game of silence and gaslighting, gossip behind the back and sneaky nasty things, turning words and actions inside out are all examples of passive aggression - an indirect expression of anger, discontent or anxiety.

Someone simply does not know how to express their feelings directly, restraining and suppressing negative emotions. Someone deliberately chooses quiet methods of struggle, manipulating and confusing the opponent. Such people rarely reveal their cards, avoid direct conflict and do not say "no", preferring to violate agreements imperceptibly.

Usually, when we say “aggression,” we think of domestic violence, street hooligans, inadequate neighbors and unrestrained bosses. But passive aggression is equally destructive. It is only at first sight invisible and even innocent. Well, think about it, I forgot, I joked badly, I didn't keep my promise. Is it worth worrying about? By the way, this is exactly what gaslighting looks like - accusing the victim of what it seems to her. Well, what did you think of? What started up? From the point of view of psychological manipulations, this is one of the most dangerous, because it casts doubt on the adequacy of the victim, shifting responsibility for the actions of the aggressor onto her.

Passive aggression is difficult to recognize. She is well disguised as a bad joke, bad memory, difficult childhood and difficult character. But in fact it is the road to hell and the highest degree of hypocrisy. Humiliation and insults do not always manifest themselves in scandals and slamming doors. The violence can be quiet.

As a rule, insecure people with wounded self-esteem and inflated self-esteem resort to passive aggression. Perhaps, in childhood, they were required to submit unconditionally, suppressing any manifestation of their own "I". So the child had to constantly disguise himself in order to preserve himself or achieve what he wanted. Or perhaps, on the contrary, they were required to always and in everything to be the first, to win at any cost, and, fearing not being able to cope in a fair fight, they learned to act covertly and skillfully weave intrigues. In any case, fans of the passive aggression method do not know how to lose, perceiving someone else's success as a personal insult. It is important for them to leave the last word for themselves. But since the painful fear of “not coping” still sits inside, she is not a supporter of open confrontation. After all, there you need to give arguments, defend your point of view. It is much easier to get personal, insult or provoke an opponent, dealing a quick and painful blow to his reputation. And there, moving away from the original topic of discussion, you can make a surprised face and leave with an air of offended innocence.

Often, instead of open confrontation or rational discussion of the problem, passive aggressors choose a boycott. And, again, this is not always a malicious act. Sometimes this is just an unconscious repetition of a script learned in childhood (hello, parents!). Those who are weak and afraid to anger their elders have to keep silent. Many people continue to use this method in adulthood. The goal of the silent game is to make your opponent feel guilty and gain control of the situation by slowly pushing your position. You can fight such a manifestation of aggression - you just need to recognize what is happening in time and not be provoked. Try to be honest. If the person is not a malicious manipulator, but a confused child, you two have a good chance to establish communication.

Perhaps even more than playing a guessing game, devaluation on the part of a loved one breaks trust in a relationship. It can be expressed by word or sight, action or inaction. Even unspoken, ridicule does not cease to be negative and is rightly perceived as a betrayal. Still, after all, the one in whom you are looking for support suddenly turns out to be "on the side of the enemy": he does not consider your complaints worthy of attention, belittles the problem that is significant for you, justifies the behavior of the offender. Perhaps he really does not agree with your point of view and, fearing a scandal, disguises his true opinion as a joke or sarcasm. In this case, it is good to think about how justified your own position is. And if you are sure that you are right, explain to him why such an attitude hurts you and emphasize how important his support and frankness are.

One of the most notable types of passive aggression is "doing good." This is when all requests, boundaries and desires are ignored "for your own good." Anything done against the will of another person is violence. Any unsolicited comment about someone's haircut, makeup, mate choice, or lifestyle is a violation of boundaries. An attempt to make another person "more comfortable", to change, to remake, to teach a lesson is a manipulation.

A difficult, but the only effective way to deal with passive aggression is to bring the manipulator into a conversation and understand the ulterior motives of what is happening. And if the dialogue fails, there is nothing shameful in breaking off such a relationship without regret. Indeed, in fact, passive aggressors are insecure people who seek to assert themselves at someone else's expense and at any cost to prove their innocence solely because of the fear of showing others their insignificance and helplessness in this or that issue.