Proximity: Tenderness And Pain

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Let's first understand the concept of intimacy in order to know what will be discussed next. I will start from the fact that intimacy is a state of openness to another, when you throw away all manipulations and just are in the moment with another person, without betraying yourself when this.

There is an important moment in intimacy, this is the ability to live feelings next to another. I have to introduce that in close proximity you see the other, not mirroring yourself, not transferences, not projections, but another, at least you try to see, at least you admit that the other exists, and the other is there everything is different, and you are nothing about you don't know him. Then you say to the other, you understand not just so blah-blah-blah to yourself or to the whole universe, but to the Other. You cry - to the Other. Laughing - to the Other. You complain to the Other. You are angry - at the Other. At the same time, the sensations are absolutely amazing, then you feel that you are not alone, that you are heard. But this is extremely difficult to do, because our society of people fixated on themselves, everyone sees only themselves, hears only themselves, live by themselves.

Since intimacy is impossible without openness and sincerity, it comes with the risk of getting hurt, and that hurts. Pain is an integral feeling in intimacy; without it, it is not possible to be simple.

This period of relationship, I call this minefield, when the idealization of the partner in love passes, and the next stage begins, unpleasant, this is not yet a meeting with a real person, no, these are all still your fantasies about him. But they reflect your darkest side, your biggest fears, your wounds … They say that in love there is no other person, you admire yourself, admire your projection, as in a mirror. But at this stage, everything is the same, only there is nothing to admire in this mirror, here you want to cry, scream, beat, run. I imagine this as a minefield. Where are the mines - all your childhood traumas, all your experience, the most painful experience, each mine is a wound, a large purulent wound. And you need to cross this field. You need to go to this field. I don’t know what’s next. I only know this damn field.

And you walk, and every step is a mine, every step is an explosion, every step is tearing you to pieces, every step is a projection of past traumatic experiences. But you don’t realize this, you think that all this is him, he hurts you, he pushes you onto these damn mines, he makes you go, but you cannot go, you are lying around the field, you cannot to gather myself, and you don't want to, why all this, maybe if it will be better to lie like this, there will be no other mines, it will not be so painful.

Once my psychotherapist, listening to speeches about how independent I am, said a wonderful phrase: "We do not save ourselves" … You see, we do not save ourselves, all this nonsense about independence is nothing more than an illusion, an illusion that does not make it possible to live consciously in reality, you are always captive to your fantasies, most often not fun.

So, when you are thrown to pieces in a minefield, you need to get yourself together, you need someone else to help you get ready. And you know, I am grateful when my partner collects me, collects me, despite all the nonsense that I carry at this time, collects me, despite the fact that he is tired of collecting me, despite the fact that he may not see that makes sense. It just collects, brings to the senses, takes out of these evil fantasies, and I can move on. And then, and then the next step, and the next mine, and all over again … You see, all over again, and so the whole field, and I do not know where it ends. And here it is very important that he collects me, and that I collect him, because the other person has his own baggage of traumatic situations. These situations only manifest themselves in close relationships. Without them, nowhere, only after going through all this, a meeting is possible, a meeting with a real person, not with your fantasies, illusions, projections. No. With a real person. There is a wonderful expression: "When a meeting happens, magic happens, and when magic happens, a meeting happens.".

If with pain everything is more or less clear, scary, risky, but it is clear what to expect, then tenderness is something completely unexpected. Itself the concept of tenderness, interpreted as follows, is a state of mind, feeling and details (elements) of behavior that give a special color to the emotionality of a relationship.

Only a person who has enough inner strength to be open enough and to transfer his attention from his own inner experiences to the state of another person can be truly gentle. It seems that with tenderness can cope, if not everyone, then through one that's for sure. But no…

I remember that at the age of 17 I liked one boy, and I really wanted to get closer to them, but every time we were alone with them, I was in a daze, I wanted to run like Forest Gump, I could not speak, I I didn't even understand how I felt, it was a terrible feeling. Sex was easier, so I replaced tenderness and intimacy with sex, after which there was always rejection. And that was in all further relationships, I replaced intimacy with sex, and it was very safe. I lived in my own illusions, not entirely kind, but they were stable.

And only, almost 10 years later, having undergone personal therapy and, nevertheless, having plucked up the courage to take risks and surrender to close relationships, I realized what distinguishes my current relationship from all the others, I can live tenderness. Tenderness is the cement of a relationship, when it hurts, and I do not hear or see anyone, when I am fixated on my pain, tenderness helps me remember that I am not alone. Tenderness is a point of return, it's like factory settings, you can always go back to them and start over. And so, try after try, you learn to see the other, tell the other, live with the other, accept him, while not betraying yourself.

All this sounds very utopian, and it seems that it is impossible, but you know the main thing is to believe, the main thing is to start, in such a matter small steps are always better than fast and large ones. The main thing is to take risks, decide to surrender to the relationship, show the other your wounds, see the other and trust the other. And this does not mean at all that intimacy will make you happy, no, it will make you alive. And the question of happiness is a choice that always remains with you.

Psychologist, Miroslava Miroshnik, miroslavamiroshnik.com