Sex. Proximity And Responsibility

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In this article, there will be no research and experiments, I will talk about my sensory experience and open the topic of sex, intimacy and responsibility in a phenomenological approach.

Sociologist Larry Nelson, while studying the generations of the 80s and 90s, wrote: The world has become more open and at the same time sociopathic: people have many quick contacts, but strong comfortable connections are problematic for many.

It is about this problematicity that I will talk about.

I want to show my understanding of relationships using the example of two simple types of relationships: free and serious, it should be noted that both types are quite conditional. But they are very popular and well-known, so my choice fell on them.

I want to share two important discoveries that I made when I was 25:

1. Sex is always a relationship

2. Sex is always a responsibility

Better late than never, as they say) Before that, I lived in beautiful illusions, where princes, dragons and children are born only from love.

What does it mean, sex without obligation? This is an agreement in which the partners only have sex. Such a business relationship, just provide each other with free sexual services.

The main advantage of such a relationship is:

Partners do not expect anything from each other, each live his own life, so as not to become attached to the other and not to suffer, enjoy what is and do not encroach on the freedom of the other, as well as the absence of jealousy, lies, demands and claims.

In contrast to free relationships, SERIOUS relationships are. And to make it clear that they are very serious they need to be written in big letters.

The main difference between such relationships is the focus on creating a family, such relationships are more long-term.

It should be noted that the difference between these two types of relationships is not great, since this does not indicate the quality of the relationship. Yes, it is the quality, for some reason many people forget about it, and many do not even guess.

The whole problem with relationships is that there is a substitution of concepts in society, where relationships are something very burdensome and very serious, something mysterious and shrouded in secrets. Nobody tells us what a relationship is and how we should be with it, and then we become adults and walk in bewilderment. Well, and so on in a circle, as you know)

Let's see what an attitude is?

Relationship is the connection or interaction between objects / objects, or the characteristic direction of their actions.

Alfred Langle, psychotherapist and clinical psychologist, professor of medicine and philosophy, explains this very simply and easily:

The relationship arises spontaneously and automatically.

It arises at the moment when I am aware of the presence of some object or person, when I take into account the other in my behavior, I enter his circumstances. Everything that I experienced within this relationship is preserved in a relationship. The relationship never ends. They remain inside us forever.

For example, if I walk and see that there is a chair, I do not go further, as if there is no chair, I go around it so as not to stumble.

Now let's imagine that there is a chair in the room, but for some reason we ignore it, continue to walk around the room as if there is no chair. Sooner or later we will encounter a chair, and it will hurt us, but since we ignore it, we cannot admit this pain, because there is no chair in our mind, where does it hurt? And then we start to suppress the pain. When we suppress one feeling, we suppress all feelings. With the suppression of feelings, our life does not change much, we still do something, but we do not get pleasure from the result. Then we raise the level of ambition, but that doesn't help. And then whatever heights you would not achieve, you will not feel satisfaction. Such an annoyance is called psychological anesthesia, and at this stage only a specialist can help you.

Now let's remember that it all started with ignoring just a chair … Recognizing that there is a chair in a room can make a difference

In the general concept of "relationship" is what happens to us always, whether we realize it or not.

Sex is always a relationship! But sex is not always intimacy

What is intimacy and why is it important?

I will start from the concepts of closeness, which was given by Eric Erickson and Eric Berne, closeness is a state of openness to another, when you refuse to manipulate and just are in the moment with another, without betraying yourself.

If I feel that I am perceived, seen, respected, accepted. I feel that the other, when we together has to introduce me. This feeling cannot be confused with anything, when you understand that here it is about me, and the other is just as important to me.

Intimacy isn't just about romance. Intimacy is a quality in all relationships.

When I talk about intimacy, I don’t have any kind of mimicry, habits, lapusics, I don’t have flowers and walks under the moon, kisses and hugs. Intimacy does not necessarily make you 100% happy and joyful. Moreover, a close relationship is not a guarantee of a long-term relationship.

Young people believe that falling in love, passion, excitement is intimacy, but this is not so.

I think this is due to the cultural aspect, because books, films, songs in which all these “I cannot live without you / you are the meaning of my life / you are everything for me / do not let me go / do not go away / all this intensity of passions it's about the state of being in love

And close relationships during the period of love are impossible. Falling in love is actually our relationship with ourselves, even if we chose a particular person to project our feelings.

Closeness begins only when we have discerned a specific person, chosen by us, and discovered him for ourselves. It is at this stage that falling in love turns into intimacy.

If you still dare to feel close, then you need to know some features:

1. Responsibility for what happens in a relationship rests with everyone who is in the relationship equally.
2. Respect for the other and for everything that is in the relationship (words, actions, feelings).
3. Openness, you are trusting in a relationship, and ready for sincerity.
4. Freedom of choice, you choose every moment whether you are in this relationship or not.
5. Curiosity, you are interested in another, and instead of fantasizing about what this other is, you are ready to ask questions and get to know the other.
6. Developing in a relationship, you are ready to take risks and raise the level of your aspirations.

Sex is always a relationship, but not always intimacy, and closeness is what it would be worth striving for, not only in a couple, but in all relationships.

If we think about the advantages of a free relationship, then in principle they fit the description of intimacy, but in a free relationship there is an avoidance of relationships, which does not allow intimacy to arise.

Serious relationships, too, may not be close, since long-term relationships can exist on mutual illusions about each other.

But sex is always a responsibility

A free relationship is built on the fact that two are just having sex and no one else owes anything to anyone. But there are children from sex!

And this, as it turned out, was not an obvious fact. Our culture is structured in such a way that having a baby is considered a miracle.

When I talk about this, I hear that many are like that to me, let alone the 21st century, everyone knows that children can appear from any sexual intercourse. Especially for the lecture, I conducted a survey, with one single question!

In what situation is the chance of conceiving a child higher?And answer options:

- Sex with a loved one, because children come from love

- The child himself knows when he will appear in your life, and will come when needed

- The odds are equal no matter how close you are to your partner

- Any sexual act can lead to pregnancy

As you can see, 1 and 2, and 3 and 4 are basically the same answer, but to have more options, I divided them into 4.

232 people took part in the survey, and here are the results.

6, 9% - Believe that children are born of love

21, 2% - That the children go through when they need to.

19.5% - Chances are equal no matter how close you are to your partner

51.5% - Any sexual act can lead to pregnancy

28.1% is not that little. 28% believe in the miracle of childbirth.

Our culture is structured in such a way that having a baby is considered a miracle. This is our sensory experience, when in childhood we ask our parents how we were born, then we hear something like “mom and dad loved each other very much, and we got you,” we are the fruit of our parents' love, with by this conviction we grow up.

On the one hand, it's okay not to tell the children that mom and dad got drunk at parties, slept, mom got pregnant, and had to get married. But on the other hand, it all translates into beliefs that lead to not realizing the seriousness of sex, and also lead to a world of illusion. This is pronounced in women, we believe that children are born only from love. And in one sentence, sex and children are puzzling, we say, children are the fruit of love, what does sex have to do with it ?!

But the last 30 years have significantly changed our attitude towards marriage, the number of mothers raising their children on their own has increased. And then a fairy tale on the topic, children are the fruit of love, it does not work, because if love, then where is daddy then. And they came up with a new fairy tale on this topic: children come when they need to and from whom they need. This is also very convenient, if you accidentally became pregnant, and love did not work out, but you heroically decided to raise the child yourself, then for your reassurance the excuse is gorgeous. In general, the position “everything comes when you need it” is the easiest way to throw off responsibility.

Plus, in our society, pregnancy is in the TOP How to quickly jump out to get married, children are like bait, otherwise they are manipulated to the left and to the right. Especially for the sweet and resourceful, who think that children are a ticket to the world of marriage, I found here excellent statistics that may return you not the land.

Data of the Verkhovna Rada of Ukraine Committee on Family Issues:

-About 70% of children grow up in single-parent families

-Over the past six years, the number of single mothers in Ukraine has grown 20 times and is about 600 thousand.

-75% of married couples in Ukraine get divorced in the first five years of marriage

Everything would be fine, but our eggs and sperm, all the same to all our beliefs and fantasies in this regard. They do their job, these guys don't care whether you love your partner or not, you have known each other for 10 years or 2 hours, maybe you are fucking drunk, or you feel bored and lonely.

Children are the result of our actions, they are our responsibility

Relationships that lead to the birth of another person, and determine responsibility for him, cannot be irresponsible in nature.

For those who JUST have sex with contraceptives, there are also not a lot of statistics.

Here are the data of the TOP-9 methods of contraception:

1. Sterilization This is the most effective and reliable method of contraception. 99.9% (there will be 1 pregnancy per 1000 sterilized women who used only this type of contraception throughout the year)
2. Oral contraceptive reliability is estimated at up to 99.7% (from 1 to 9 pregnancies per 1000 women who used only this type of contraception for a year)
3. Intrauterine contraception Reliability ranges from 99, 2 to 99, 8%. (On average, 2 pregnancies per 100 women who used only this type of contraception for a year)
4. Hormonal implants and injections The efficiency of the method is 90-99%. (on average 1 pregnancy per 100 women who have used only this type of contraception for a year)
5. Hormone patch or ring about 92% (4 pregnancies per 1000 women who have used only this type of contraception for a year)
6. Barrier methods (condom, diaphragm, cap and sponge) 84-85% (from 2-20 pregnancies per 100 women who have used only this type of contraception throughout the year) At the moment, condom and femidom (female condom) are the only means of contraception, which protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV infection.
7. Calendar method 60%. (25-40 pregnancies per 100 women who have used only this type of contraception for a year)
8. Interrupted intercourse does not exceed 80% reliability (18-27 pregnancies per 100 women who used only this type of contraception for a year)
9. Spermicides are no more than 70% effective (3-21 pregnancies per 100 women who have used only this type of contraception for a year)

And finally, the most important

5 proofs that sex is always a responsibility:

1. There are children from sex

2. There are children from sex

3. There are children from sex

4. There are children from sex

5. There are children from sex

Each sexual intercourse can lead to pregnancy and childbirth, but if you realize that you are in a relationship, if you know what intimacy is, then no matter how your relationship with your partner develops, you can give the child the most important thing - this is feeling of closeness

Remember the example of the chair, first of all, your ignorance of the relationship causes lies to you, just let's notice the chair! You can be in any relationship, if you are comfortable in them, the main thing is to remember that you are always in a relationship and this is not scary with everything) Risk Being Close in all respects, and of course, let's listen to A. Lengle and his advice, treats relationships with care and responsibility

Psychologist, Miroslava Miroshnik, miroslavamiroshnik.com