Runaway Compulsion Neurosis. Part 2

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I like the name so much that it even seems that it says it all. But I also understand that this is just the beginning. Because as much as I can talk about running away, all my thoughts cannot be contained in one phrase.

I look around a lot, and often look into the souls of people - and my clients, and my friends, and my acquaintances, and, by the way, in my own too. And I notice that we all often run away.

The main point of the runaway neurosis is that we cannot be “here-and-now” in full measure. We are used to not feeling, not feeling. We have been taught so. We were taught to live half-heartedly. Some of us have been taught to live without living.

When we find ourselves in a difficult situation, in a situation where our experiences start to “roll over”, we try to “run away”. Run is not in the literal sense. You can run in different ways - in yourself, in the social. Networks, watching movies or TV, at work, in sports, in alcohol, in other relationships. Sometimes it happens that we run from ourselves into a relationship … We will talk about this in more detail later.

Let's see how it started.

If we turn to the theory of development according to M. Erickson, we will see that in the first year of our life a basic trust (or distrust) is formed in life, from 1 to 3 years independence or shame and doubt are formed. So, in the period up to 3 years, we manifest ourselves spontaneously and naturally, all our feelings and experiences are sincere and we do not try to hide and hide them. We can get angry, envy, be aggressive in our desires and needs, we can demand everything we want from the world and the people around us, without thinking how socially acceptable it is.

But the people around us, especially the closest ones - mom and dad, may not be very happy with our manifestations of spontaneity. They may be ashamed of your behavior in front of neighbors, they may be angry with us when we want something that they cannot give us. During this period, we very often hear the word: "You can't." We hear it so often that it begins to sound in our head like our own voice.

This is good. Otherwise, we could not live in society.

This is bad. Because it becomes difficult for us to manage ourselves.

And since the word "No" was imposed on you, your every desire, every need of yours passes the "face control" of your "No". And starting from this period, each of your spontaneous manifestations first stops, and then, perhaps, it manifests itself outside.

During this period, you learned that you shouldn't be angry, and most likely, too, to rejoice violently. You learned that your every active manifestation of feelings and experiences is not welcomed, and sometimes punishable. Perhaps you were ashamed for doing what you wanted to do. Perhaps you have been led to believe that you are “bad” because you want to do such “terrible” things. You may even have received a directive that if you are too violent, society and all the people you love will reject you.

And since you treasured your relationship with mom and dad too much, their love and acceptance, you decided to change, you decided to suppress in yourself everything that they do not welcome. You had no other choice, because your survival in society depended entirely on the people who took care of you.

And when you made that decision, the next time you got angry, you just shut yourself in. You might not like your mom or dad not going for a walk with you, but you couldn't tell them about it. You just went into yourself. You could be angry that your mom doesn't follow you on your heels during the walk, and instead does not allow you to go where you are interested. You couldn't tell about it. Or he spoke, but they didn’t hear you. You went into yourself. And he was offended.

Over time, you even stopped getting angry, you immediately took offense and went into yourself. You have formed a shame for your inferiority. You could not admit that mom or dad were wrong, because you did not know if they were right or wrong, and you had no opportunity to check. Therefore, you had to take their word for it and quietly hate yourself for your natural desires, impulses and impulses.

Now it may seem to you that these are all trifles, and it does not matter what you wanted, by and large you had everything you needed, and thank God. But I know for sure that those little things that now seem to you to be small things, then were not small things for you. It is these little things that have shaped your runaway neurosis. Because now you can be so afraid that your need will be met with the word "No" that sometimes you do not even allow yourself to want what is really important to you. And you may not even know anything about this fear. Because he became unconscious.

Our human psyche is amazing. She does everything to make it seem to you that you are living comfortably. She can hide fears from you to make you feel a little better. That is why, when you are asked, for example: “Why did you not choose a profession that you would like?”, You may feel that you do not know. In fact, you were afraid of rejection during the period when you were choosing a profession. You were afraid that you would lose the love of your family, their recognition and acceptance.

And now, when you just wanted something, the unconscious tells you - "You can't" and you immediately reject your desire. Thus, you are changing your personality. You will change your true self for the person that your loved ones want to see you.

Now that you are an adult, you face adult problems. You may not like the job, but you don't even allow yourself to think carefully about the situation. And this is also running away. You may not have a very harmonious relationship with your spouse (or spouse), but you do your best not to notice it - you just try to work harder, you meet with friends more often, you start going to the gym 3-5 times a week, or, corny, everything more often alcohol appears in the house. And this is also running away. Running away from yourself, from her (or from him), from your problem, from your true essence and from your true desires.

It's always easier not to notice what you really want than admitting to yourself that your situation is shitty. Because then it means that you will need to make an effort and change something in your life. Face your own flaws and fears, discover your shame or guilt, discover your anger or tenderness. AND take responsibility for everything that happens in your life. Admit to yourself everything that happens around you. To admit to yourself that YOU, you personally, did in order for everything to be as it is now. Or what he did not do to avoid what is now.

Of course, it's always easier to run away. But is it more useful? It's up to you to decide.