2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Once at a lecture we were told a phrase that caused a surge of both reflections and feelings: "A healthy person does not need love."
But a person who very early in his childhood faced cruelty, hostility, rejection - most likely, he will need and, due to this need, suffer from neurotic love.
There are several precise signs that distinguish neuroticism and its manifestations from healthy, "normal" love
1. First of all, this is the exorbitant demands and a priori unsaturation of the neurotic state - this is the desire for constant love from everyone, love for any of its manifestations "at any cost" and love with evidence of this very love. Otherwise, it can be called obsession.
2. This, alas, is the inability to love oneself - the partner (and / or all those who show love) are constantly suspected of selfish motives, of "fake" love "for something", of the neurotic's secret desire to either use or subjugate. Due to such a picture of the world, the neurotic does not accept help (or does it under the pressure of great anxiety and the desire to "pay off" as quickly as possible so as not to be "addicted"). Those. it is a denial of disinterested love, its very presence in life - or its possibility in relation to a neurotic.
3. Great fear of rejection. From here "legs grow" for the fear of being the first to make contact, an increase in anxiety from a benevolent attitude towards oneself - for such benevolence responds with the fear that "they want to use me" (this is the point above) and / or "they will hurt me again"
4. One of the worst neurotic manifestations is a "call" for attention and self-pity. A kind of "must", which consists in the fact that "if I love you, then you are obliged to love me." And here, unfortunately, emotional blackmail and other "pleasant" things can be used.
Now about what is included in the title of the post - neurosis, neuroticism are very viscous states that cannot be stopped by direct action, which is called "on the forehead" … It is useful to know for everyone who is working on themselves and is in therapy - do not try to stop your neurotic reactions by willpower - it can only get worse, alas.
Real changes are possible only when a person begins to accept himself - little by little, as far as he can, he builds his inner supports, learns to love - first himself again, and then - those around him and all of us. After all, the roots of neuroticism, as a rule, are laid in childhood, when a child faced with hostility or rejection was unable to respond to this, and displaced his own unused aggression into the outside world, which “became” for him “dangerous” and “threatening”.
As for healthy love, it is the ability to completely surrender to the Other, person or business, to go into open, disinterested contact. Another indicator is that a person is comfortable with both being with other people and being alone with himself, and in life he maintains a balance between the two. The main thing is precisely the absence of dependence on external love, external evaluation, praise or criticism. Love is desirable and even sometimes necessary, but if it is not there, a person is able to experience sadness about this, and spend some time alone.
And yes, the state when “I know exactly what the other person thinks (or feels)” is an indicator of neuroticism.
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