Avoidant Personality Type. Counterdependence. Relationship Fear

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

How was the character of the avoidant personality type formed? What are the difficulties in it?

An interesting fact is that there is no mention of the avoidant personality type in psychoanalysis, and even the avoidant defense mechanism does not exist as such (there is omnipotence, denial, isolation). Avoidant personality disorder was diagnosed in cognitive-behavioral therapy, and the name itself was not formulated until 1999, as if the society of psychotherapists and psychologists resisted and shunned it.

So, the following traits are characteristic of the avoidant personality type:

A huge level of self-condemnation, self-denial and a sense of shame (“I am not-…”

Clients often describe this part of their personality as a lonely, ugly little man sitting in his cave and not waiting for anyone to visit, but still experiencing a natural and burning need for love, recognition and acceptance.

Denial of all emotions and thoughts associated with one's own "I", total avoidance behavior, which will eventually confront this person with their own emotional experiences and worries

As a rule, a person has already formed on a sensory level a firm conviction that various negative feelings are bad. For such individuals, the experience of shame and embarrassment is unbearable. Why? The avoidant personality type is mainly formed in early childhood and is associated with toxic shame experienced by the child in the family.

For example, a mother's figure (mother, father, grandfather, grandmother) spending more time with the child was ashamed of everything - she was ashamed to express her emotions on the street, shout, look like a slob, etc. (“What will the neighbors say? "). The most painful thing in this place is when the child showed his excitement, his energy boiled, and he jumped for joy, the parent always stopped and pulled the baby, forbidding him to do anything. Or another situation - the child wants tenderness, attention and love (these feelings in childhood are not yet covered by any defenses, so the baby cuddles up to his mother, asks for her arms, and she throws him away (“Go away, can't you see? I have a lot to do ! I still have to cook 25 dishes, clean the apartment, wash. I have no time for you! ") The child, due to his early mental development, perceives this parent's behavior as condemnation - you are so bad that I will not give you love, although I have it. This awareness rolls over him like a snowball. In the future, in any relationship, a funnel of trauma is triggered on a certain facial expression or word (“Mom said about the same, and I felt bad next to her, my love is undesirable for others, a feeling that you just need to turn off ").

In reality, many people have problems not with aggression, but with expressing tenderness, love and allowing oneself to feel warm to other people. The avoidant personality type has the most such tension in the zone of tenderness.

Anxiety disorder and avoidant personality disorder are not the same thing. An anxious person can be in a relationship, and it is quite difficult for an avoidant to build any kind of relationship, so often such a person avoids contact. For him, entering into a relationship means becoming vulnerable, opening his soul, showing himself as he really is, because this is the only way the partner will fall in love. The avoidant personality type really wants to build relationships, but is afraid to get closer, because the wound is still open, and he will definitely be hurt.

You can also find the concept of "avoidant type of attachment", but this is closer to the psychoanalytic understanding. To some extent, the avoidant personality type can be compared to the counterdependent person, with lifelong separation. Why is that? This is a person who “like a bun” leaves everyone in his life. It is more important and easier for him to leave the relationship. There can be two options here: the first - I have not left my mother, which means I will leave you; the second - I left my mother, it became good to live, which means I will leave constantly. The last option is a more adult pattern of behavior, which is fixed by the age of 18-20, starting in early childhood, when the child closed in his room or went into himself (accordingly, he realized that no one would offend him this way, because he hides his true feelings and experiences).

In reality, the avoidant personality type really wants to stay in the relationship, but it’s so scary - he will be rejected, hurt, betrayed, because his parents used to do this. That is why I will make my partner leave!

Each of us has the makings of all personality types, so we understand each other. So, a person does everything for his partner to leave (a kind of test for strength), but each time his actions become harder and harder. This is due to the fact that the mother could not withstand his aggression, excitement and any vivid manifestations of emotions in childhood, therefore this need needs to be “fulfilled” on the partner (relatively speaking - “I love you so much, I can’t live without you that I’m ready to leave with you! ). The desire to be with someone is so strong and unbearable that it is better to get rid of the person just now.

How did this trait develop in earlier childhood? A child who felt that without a mother's figure he was much better, or vice versa, could not tear himself away from her, acts out an attempt to separate in other respects. However, he will never be able to satisfy his most important separation, which should have happened to his mother.

Criticism is perceived by such a person very painfully. This is a pain in the very heart, a deep wound in the soul, because when evaluating his own actions, he hears not just “you did this badly” or “you shouldn't have put a cup here, but you had to close the tube”. For him, criticism means that he is a nonentity, that he acted badly, and in general - he has no place in this house, and no one will love him. Quite often people experience this shame as guilt (“Oh, I did something wrong!”) And, if they did manage to get into a relationship, they try to please their partner in everything. However, in a couple, they feel bad and cramped (like in a cage) and, as a rule, remain at this pole of insignificance. Accordingly, due to a painful feeling of guilt and shame, such people are afraid to talk about their true desires and needs, sometimes they do not even admit it to themselves (they hid themselves so deeply in their consciousness that it is painful for them to admit who they really are)

During communication with an avoidant personality type, an interesting feeling is created that the interlocutor is insincere, dishonest, fidgets, wags, in other words - unpleasant. In fact, a person is afraid to admit his desires and needs to someone, because in his family this was considered unacceptable behavior.

If people in psychotherapy sessions begin to reveal their obscene and shadowy parts of the personality (“I had a thought that she should die!”) And at the same time become filled with paint, this indicates a great trust between the client and the psychotherapist, which is formed at least a year during contact. therapy. The manifestation of such feelings should be treated with respect.

If a person with an avoidant personality type, having shared intimate thoughts and expecting to hear criticism in response, suddenly sees genuine surprise ("And what, are you ashamed of this? This is a common human phenomenon!"), He finally understands that he was accepted, heard and not condemned … However, such a person often sees rejection where it actually does not exist, he invents it for himself. It is in these cases that the most difficult moments arise - a person reveals much more than he was ready to do at the initial stages of therapy. Accordingly, if trust has not yet been formed, he will see rejection of the therapist (or any other acquaintance) in any form. Often, proactive rejection occurs (until I’m rejected, I’d better leave myself), especially if the avoiding person in a relationship with a partner said or did something that he condemns in himself. For him, this situation will be like a picture, when the whole class with the teacher pokes a finger at the child and says "fuuuuu …". This inner state can last for hours, days, or even weeks. A person constantly scrolls in his head, as he said something, while he sweats and blushes, remembering his words. In tender childhood experiences, rather fragile, when the ego was not yet formed, he was completely dependent on his mother, her opinion and environment. It is quite simple to destroy the fragile perception of the world by a child - enough for an adult to "step" on the rudiments of the formation of his personality. As a result, he simply decides not to grow as a person and hide from other people.

Deliberately avoiding any contact

The avoidant personality type chooses a job where there is no need to contact other people, or communication is reduced only to business conversations (without emotions). It is quite difficult for such a person to enter into a partnership (but he really wants it!), So he often chooses isolation, does not talk about his feelings. From the outside, there is a feeling of detachment, coldness, cynicism, disinterest and lack of initiative. Relatively speaking, a person simply merges with the wall, striving to be noticed less, because otherwise they will notice the shortcomings and, accordingly, criticize. For example, at a psychotherapy session, a person begins to open up, it looks really amazing - an admiring and open look, reminiscent of a 3-4 year old child who has finally been noticed. But this is a childish need, a neurosis from childhood, quite adequate behavior then, but now it is no longer suitable for age. It is quite logical that a person feels the need to change it, fix it, improve it.

The desire to build relationships among avoidant individuals is very great. In childhood, they often experienced themselves as orphans - mom and dad did not show them what a relationship is, did not build relationships with them, did not get emotionally involved in their life. Mom just was there, made all the decisions and demanded that the child do as she wants. The second option - an anxious mother “includes” worries about the child for the purpose of overprotection and complete control.

Accordingly, in a relationship, such people often project everything that parents broadcast in childhood (“You yourself are bad and you have no right to want something!”) Onto a partner. Thus, they prove to themselves their inconsistency, are affirmed in their bad and obscene desires. As a rule, self-esteem worsens in relationships in avoidant individuals, self-flagellation is exacerbated; someone is trying to please a partner even where it is completely unnecessary; someone, on the contrary, acts out and insults in return; some are proactive about rejection.

Low trust in other people

The cause may be deep childhood trauma (up to 3 years old) when the ego was just beginning to form. Perhaps a pre-verbal trauma - from infancy, the child did not feel sufficient emotional support and involvement of the parents. As a result, a stable “peace and people - distrust” link has been formed. It is important to understand that it is at the age from 0 to 1 that the concepts of "trust" and "distrust" are formed in the child's mind. Often, the avoidant personality type has a general distrust of the entire world. This manifests itself in the form of total and rigid control in relation to other people and situations, therefore, the avoiding person is equated with anxious. There may also be a combination of narcissistic and borderline disorder. Perhaps the person does not belong to the borderline personality, but periodically acts out his situation, mistrust, fear, difficult experiences and unbearable pain in the relationship.

What if you have an avoidant personality type?

Reform your attitude towards yourself, change your self. Think, is it normal that you have such character traits? Take a closer look at other people with a similar character, analyze how others treat them. For example, I don't like to cook, but what about other women? Let's see - here one and the second are married and also do not cook, which means that it is possible! Listen to yourself, notice when you begin to blame and demean yourself for some behavior. Analyze how you feel about other people who do the same? This exercise makes it clear that we treat others well in a similar situation, but we scold ourselves. Find a person who really will always support you (whatever you do, whatever situation you find yourself in)

The avoidant personality type, especially if it is formed on the basis of early infantile distrust of the whole world, is treated only by relationships - kind, good, supportive. If you know that there is at least one person in your life who supports, withstands you, loves, does not criticize, you will be able to turn to other people (this is how the psyche works the fastest). The most important need of the avoidant personality type is a safe relationship in which you can relax, be yourself. Such contact does not always mean that you will be accepted and supported, but for sure they will not be judged. The resulting relationship experience needs to be carried further into your life, but first you need to gain acceptance and support skills, and this will take some more time.