Sibling Rivalry

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Many families face this problem. And it seems that such a joy is the second baby, or maybe already the third or even the fourth … But, here's the bad luck, instead of the joy of meeting the long-awaited brother or sister, the older child suddenly begins to demonstrate resentment, anger, capriciousness.

And poor mom doesn't know what to do. She has a lot of worries. Now even more than before. Diapers, breastfeeding, feeding everyone, cleaning, cleaning the apartment … And there is not enough time, but my soul hurts: maybe I am a bad mother, maybe I didn't explain something, didn't control it, maybe I'm doing something wrong. How does mom feel? She has doubts, anxiety and often a sense of guilt before the older child that there is not much time left for him, that there is no time to play her favorite games, learn poetry, or just sit down and talk.

I really want everything to go as it should, easy and simple, so that everyone loves each other, and there is a big strong family. But often in the words of the older child, in his behavior, there is jealousy. What to do with childhood jealousy? How to deal with it?

How a child will survive jealousy depends more on the behavior of mom and dad in the family. Here are some simple tips:

1. Get used to the idea that jealousy is neither bad nor good. She just is. And your child has the right to feel what he feels. It can be understood. Previously, in the family, he had his own - a special place - the only (or youngest) child in the family. And mom - she was HIS. He got the most time. He was the center of attention. He had all the best. And now everything has changed, he has lost his place of exceptional importance. Now he is no longer the only one and not the youngest, but the eldest. And what to do with it? How to share mom and dad? What place will he have in the family now, and how to accept him without loss?

The child should know that you accept and understand his feelings, and do not devalue. How parents forbid a child to feel what he is feeling. For example, with such phrases: "You speak badly, he is your little brother, you must love him" or "So that I no longer hear such words" …

How should I say so that the child understands that he is accepted with his conflicting feelings: “I know that you are worried that we have a little one, because now I cannot devote as much time to you as before, but I am still I love you very much."

2. Help the older child find his new place in the family and understand its benefits. Younger children can usually do anything. And only a sea of obligations is imposed on the elders: “Give in, you’re older and smarter”, “Help me, you see, I’m not coping”, “Why didn’t you keep track?” … Obligations are good, they teach responsibility, but do not forget that your child is still a child. And he does not want to, and he will not be able to take and grow in an instant.

And in addition to obligations, the role of an elder can carry privileges. Help your child understand this, create them. For example: "Vanya is older - he walks first in the game" or "Vanya chooses a cartoon today because he is older." Come up with your privileges. Let your oldest child be proud of being older. And also tell me how proud you are of him.

3. Leave the older child a piece of your time so that it belongs only to him. Let it be a little time, but every day. For example, read a book to him every day before bed. Or play your favorite cars. Only without haste, without irritation, calmly and with pleasure. Let it be only your time - his and mom's. So that he feels that there is a place for him in the family too. And at this time, let dad take a walk with a stroller or bathe the baby.

Ideally, time should be spent in different ways, interacting both with the whole family and with different family members separately. For example, in a family with two children, whose names are Masha and Misha, it looks like this:

- Activities for the whole family

- Mom is engaged / plays / walks with Masha

- Mom is engaged / plays / walks with Misha

- Mom is engaged / plays / walks with Misha and Masha

- Dad works out / plays / walks with Masha - Dad does / plays / walks with Misha

- Dad is engaged / plays / walks with Misha and Masha

- Misha and Masha play together

- Mom and Dad spend time alone

Then each family member will have the opportunity to get to know each other, establish their own, special contact, and there will still be time to relax.

4. Talk to your child about his feelings, and if he is small, play about feelings, compose fairy tales.

With an older child, you can directly, in an intimate setting, one-on-one discuss his experiences, accept them and let him know that he is still loved and valuable.

With small children, this will not work. And there is a great way to respond to childhood experiences through play and fairy tales. When playing with your child, subtly enter the character for the youngest child. Or compose fairy tales. Here's a simple example of how you can do this.

Once upon a time, there was a mother a hare, a father a bunny and their baby hare (absolutely any characters are suitable). They loved to play all day and eat carrots. Mom took the hare to the hare kindergarten, and she herself went to the hare work. And one day, on the way to work in cabbage, the mother-hare found a tiny bunny and brought it home.

Ask the child - what happened next? If it turns on, follow its plot line. Do not be alarmed if aggression appears, it must be played back calmly. The end of the tale should be happy. About how everyone loves each other and how fun the bunny is to play with the baby. Sound out what advantages the older bunny has with the appearance of the younger one. For example, he no longer needed to play alone when his mother was busy or that many new, different toys appeared in the house. Or something else. Imagine)

Over and over again in the game, the older child's aggression may appear (or not). He may want to beat the tiny rabbit, drive it out, or even kill it. Don't be afraid, be flexible. This is how the child tells you about his pain and resentment. See the tale towards a good ending. But only with the child, with his consent, and not against his wishes. Negotiate through fairy tale characters. And one day your child will experience his difficult feelings, and you will be with him at this moment !!!

By and large, all a little jealous person needs from you is proof of your love and time. Say more often that you love him and just be there, at least sometimes. Only with him. And if nothing comes of it, if you feel very scared, and you lose control over the situation, then seek help from a child psychologist!