Pseudo-proximity Or Life On The Pole

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Human needs human…

People are like porcupines

walking through the icy snowy desert:

they huddle together from cold and fear, and prick each other with their needles.

Arthur Schopenhauer

People need intimacy. This is a basic human need. And if this need cannot be satisfied, the person experiences loneliness.

At first glance it may seem that Closeness and Loneliness are polar states. However, it is not. Loneliness and merging are more polarities. Proximity is the art of balancing between these polarities, without falling into any of them.

Intimacy is both attractive and frightening, heals and hurts at the same time. Keeping close is not easy. It is not available to everyone. For various reasons, people are often incapable of close relationships and "run away" into various surrogate forms of intimacy or pseudo-closeness, finding itself on the pole of merging or loneliness.

An example of such pseudo-proximity are emotionally dependent relationships.

For me, the ability to be in close relationships is a leading criterion of psychological health. This kind of relationship is not available to people with a neurotic and borderline personality structure. In a relationship, neurotics “forget” about themselves, the Other for them is a condition for their self-esteem, self-awareness and even well-being. For the borderline, there is only I. The other for them is a function for satisfying their I-needs.

As a result, neurotics find themselves on the pole of confluence, border guards - on the pole of loneliness. Both those and others live in the format pseudo-proximity. Both are in fact emotionally dependent. And even the independence actively demonstrated by some border guards is actually counter-dependence - the other pole of dependent relations.

For a relationship of intimacy, both I and the Other must be present. You need sensitivity to your Self and the ability to notice and feel the Other. The most important condition for close I-Thou relationships is that the participants in these relationships have clear and stable psychological boundaries.

Border problems are a major indicator of an emotionally dependent relationship

In my article I will consider the specifics of intimacy in a neurotically organized personality.

The most important feature of the psychological boundaries of such a person will be their insensitivity.

First of all, this insensitivity will concern the so-called "border feelings", which are responsible for the relationship on the border of contact with a partner. "Border feelings" - aggression (anger) and disgust. These feelings are a kind of indicator-beacons of violations at the border. If for some reason they are not activated, then a person in close contact starts having problems.

Due to their insensitivity to these feelings, their territory "I" is constantly "occupied" by others.

Aggression in contact (from its mild degree - irritation to rage) signals to me that the other "steps on my boundaries", does not notice or ignores them. An emotionally dependent person, being in the pole of pseudo-proximity, does not know how to use aggression to build contact. He either holds it or shows it impulsively, destroying himself in the first case, and his partner in the second. Aggression is needed in order to assert their value and dignity in contact.

If the emotionally dependent person is still somehow sensitive to aggression, then with disgust things are usually much worse. The feeling of disgust is necessary in order not to "eat" something tasteless, inedible or spoiled. Disgust is actively "killed" in early childhood in situations where parents stubbornly shove another spoonful of porridge into the child, ignoring his protests. Then, already in adulthood, a person with a suppressed feeling of disgust becomes psychologically "omnivorous", habitually "swallowing everything that the other offers."

Indicators of pseudo-proximity in a relationship:

• It is impossible to imagine life without a partner; “If you leave, then I will not be able to live without you”; parting with a partner is seen as the biggest disaster in life;
• One life for two. Common interests, common friends, common rest, always and everywhere together.
• The desire to control the parterre, pathological jealousy.
• Relationships in which it is difficult to live, but impossible to part.
• Emotional swings in relationships: from "love can not" to "hate killing"

Neurotics tend to choose a controlling partner for a relationship because of their increased anxiety. I described a detailed description of the forms of manifestation of control in the article "Features of the manifestation of aggression in codependent relationships."

Here I will just list them:

• "I'm just worried about you …".
• "I know how it should be …".
• "I know better what you need …".
• "If you love me, then you should not have secrets from me."

Is there a way out? How to Build Close Relationships?

Paradoxically, for a close relationship with another, you first need to get to know yourself

And for this you need:

• develop self-sensitivity. To get acquainted with my Self. Try to distinguish among the loud chorus of the voices of Others in me a weak voice of my Self. What am I? What do I want? What I feel? What I can?
• regain lost sensitivity to aggression and disgust. Recognize the importance and relevance of these “borderline” feelings for the relationship.
• learn good forms of aggression in relationships. Verbalize aggression, using the technique of "I-statements": "I'm angry with you!" instead of "You piss me off!"
• Get rid of the toxic feeling of guilt that does not allow you to want anything for yourself and only for yourself. Recognize the importance and value of your I-desires.

What can you practice in a relationship?

- time for yourself to be alone with your thoughts and feelings.

- a space for yourself, which can be arranged the way you like, and in which you can spend time for yourself.

- hobbies for yourself, the occupation of which brings you joy and pleasure.