2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Many people are simply not able to love, they are only capable of falling in love, they are capable of being codependent, but love is not given to everyone, and not everyone knows what this love is …
Many people arrange the trade: "you are for me - I am for you" and this is called love. This is not love, but a deal, slavery, in which people deprive each other of freedom of choice … Many believe that love is when there is support, care - yes, this is partly true, but when a loved one refuses or for some reason temporarily cannot give all this, grievances, claims, demands to satisfy the needs for care and support begin. But alas, this is where consumerism, slavery and codependency begins, because the second falls into a trap: if I do not give what is demanded of me through force, then I can lose a loved one and at this point violence occurs, which one carries out, and the other allows. And this is what lies at the opposite pole of love and what many call love. But this is just a child's need for support, care, security, shifted from parent to partner, and when this shift occurs in a couple, falling in love dies, love is not born, and instead of falling in love, codependency is created - a kind of deal of two, concluded in the fact that each (or one of the 2) now plays the role of a parent for the other. And then such concepts as "you should / on", "a man should", "a woman should" appear.
My opinion as a woman, as a psychologist: "no one owes anything to anyone" and "everything that I can take FROM another person, I can also fully take FROM myself." Two with a love deficit, caring and self-support are not able to be in love, I mean mature love. The definition of love is simple: "This is not a sacrifice, it is a voluntary form of paying attention to another person." Nothing more! When I take care of my beloved, not because I have to, I have to, not because if I don’t care, I will feel guilt or shame or fear of losing him, but because I want it, because I love. And everything else requires deep, long-term psychotherapy aimed at healing childhood traumas, at completing unfinished developmental tasks. Oh yes! In love, there is no fear of loneliness and loss, there is none, but it does not control the behavior of partners so much that it leads to emotional and physical abuse. In love, it is not scary to say "no" and it is very pleasant to say "yes".
What is love for you? Have you ever been in a codependent relationship?
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