The "ideal" Parent

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In the minds of many people there is a myth “about the ideal parent”, about how he should raise his children, what he should and should not do while doing this. In this article, I set myself the task of dispelling this myth and explaining why such "ideality" in upbringing does not bring anything good, is very harmful for children and how it all affects the authority of the parents.

Imagine two ideal parents. They do everything for their child: they devote a lot of time to their child, invest all their strength, money in him, they try to be an example for him in everything and save him from the hardships of life, give in to him, do not punish, want the best for him, sometimes unrealized in life by them … It is such a picture that rises before the eyes of many non-ideal parents, which they would like to achieve in upbringing. Sometimes such ideality is imposed on them by parents, friends, colleagues, other families with children…. And parents, by all means, begin to put an "experiment" on their family and decide to become ideal, because it is so "right". Then everything begins to develop according to two opposite (and sometimes in something similar scenarios):

1. The ideality of the parents brings up in the child such a quality as perfectionism, which they carry through the rest of their lives. Such children, as a rule, set themselves high standards in many areas of their lives and try to live up to them. There is an undoubted plus in this - to achieve more in life, set goals and realize them, study well, be an example in your family for future children, etc. For this they pay with fears of falling, making a mistake, getting a three or four, not being up to par, stress, undermined health and happiness, this does not bring.
2. A child who sees the ideality of parents in everything can be hard to endure and feel like a worthless person in such a family. “After all, his parents are so ideal and how can I care about them! Therefore, I will not even try to achieve something in my life, because it will not be so right / good anyway. " Life according to this scenario for a child passes in constant fears and anxiety, low self-esteem, self-doubt. Even if a child tries to prove that he is good, that he is worth something, he will not feel loved. And most importantly, he will never be able to satisfy his parents, although he will try his best. Ideal parents will each time strive for more and more ideals, at one point they will not only be happy for and proud of before. This behavior draws them into a funnel, and they are poorly aware of what their children need, what their needs and desires are, and what kind of parents they really would like to become, despite the prejudices of others. And both sides of the educational process suffer here, because this does not bring happiness to parents either.

Based on these two directions, we can conclude that the child should see the manifestations of the non-ideality of his parents. That is, their negative experience in life, their fears, their mistakes in life that they made as children or adults. Just do not overload the children with this, but act in accordance with the situation. This makes it easier to live and accept your non-ideality, to have the right to make mistakes and not feel shame, guilt or anger at the same time. This contributes to the creation of real, adequate self-esteem in the child, he will not be afraid to make mistakes in life, trying again what he has. does not work. Here I would like to add a very important word "sorry" in a relationship with a child, which parents should teach. On the one hand, it shows the imperfection of parents, that they have the right to make mistakes, even as adults, experienced people. On the other hand, the child learns to apologize not only for his own transgressions, to respect the boundaries of another person, to be educated, but also because of this to accept his imperfection, while not feeling flawed. Several years ago, in my personal therapy, I gained invaluable experience when, as part of a consultation, I learned to apologize to my parents - sincerely, with love and acceptance of myself and them. And I knew that I could bring this experience to the life of my children, because if we do not learn to apologize to our parents, our children will never apologize to us, and will not be able to do it. I think no one will find it difficult to answer the question of why this is necessary.

Many parents, in order to correspond to the position of the ideal, often resort to lies in relations with their own children. They believe that petty lies and major quarrels in the absence of a child will save him from the hardships of life, make his life easier, bring him joy and happiness. But no matter how paradoxical it may sound, such “kind, good” deeds do not bring anything good to children. Children are excellent at distinguishing lies, even small ones. And when parents put on a mask of happiness, joy, when in reality everything is the other way around in the family and behind closed doors tension, irritation and constant stress reign, children feel it. So authority and trust are replaced by other feelings. Children begin to feel abandoned, deceived. What seems small and insignificant to parents can be very important for a child. So authority is lost, and to restore it, parents may need more than a year of relationship. Sometimes authority can be lost forever, because parental authority over time is replaced by the authority of peers, idols, colleagues, friends.

Some parents, dissatisfied with their own upbringing of children, are so fixated on the bad sides of upbringing that they forget about the good things they did and what they invested in their child. The paradox is that the feeling of guilt for one's imperfection greatly interferes with building the right relationship with the child. Each time the mother promises herself not to cruelly punish the child, the father promises to devote more time to his son or daughter, other mothers and fathers have been trying for years to correct mistakes made in upbringing, instead of bringing up their child “here and now”. The feeling of guilt reinforces the wrong, unreasonable behavior of the parents, does not bring anything good. It is very difficult to break the cycle of "holding back emotions - frustrating - feeling guilty" and stop making promises to yourself that "I will never be like this again." Such promises are a way to punish yourself. For what? For the fact that they did not keep their promises, for the fact that they wanted to raise the child differently than the parents, for repeating the scenario of the parental family. And for such a parent, not keeping his word, not proving something to the world, friends, himself, parents means to fail.

Where does this ideality come from in consciousness? Above, I have already mentioned public opinion and the environment that influences parents, but for many, the idealization of oneself as a parent and the idealization of the child appears … even before the birth of the latter. Many parents-to-be have in their minds the image of the ideal child they are waiting for, who will be born. This is something new for them, exciting, uncertain. And, as you know, all the unknown loves to "finish drawing" in the mind: how this child will look, what he will do or not do, how to behave, what kind of character he will be, what expectations he will meet. And here a baby is born, who first cries at night, then begins to learn the world, then he will be able to answer with a rude word … And any discrepancy with the image of an ideal child causes anger in the parents. Because in this case, they are also not ideal parents. Child psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott introduced the concept of "a good enough mother", explaining that the child does not need an ideal mother and an ideal father. He has enough "good" parents. And remember, do not bring up your children, they will still be like you. Educate yourself.