Physical Punishment

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

They don't talk about it, try to avoid this topic, or hide discipline and education under the words. I'm talking about the physical punishment of children.

Usually, on the forums of young mothers, a request of this type appears: "what to do, the child threw a tantrum in the store", "what to do, the child scattered toys and does not put them away, I am tired", "what to do, the child lay down in the middle of the street and yells, I am ashamed ". Usually in the comments there are some kind of advice of a pedagogical or psychological sense, often from mothers of very young children under one year old, who perfectly understand how it should be in theory; or based on personal experience, but, unfortunately, often distorted by ideas about upbringing, far from constructive, such as isolation, ignorance, or being left alone. Along with them, there is always a recommendation to punish properly with a belt or hand on the fifth point.

It is interesting that rarely anyone speaks directly about this, but as a recommendation - quite. And such a recommendation does not cause any negative reactions, it is just "one of", which, of course, I would like to avoid, but if nothing helps at all, then …

Physical abuse is not only a concussion, broken body parts, bloody smudges and bruises on the body. Usually, when they talk about it, especially openly, they mean just such an image of a victim - a small defenseless and beaten child. And this is not only upbringing with a belt - for some kind of leprosy of one degree or another, or for prevention. And also quite everyday in the life of many children over 2-3 years old, cuffs, clicks, pinches, bruises that do not leave bruises, twisting ears, cream on the nose, grabbing the hair, foot steps, twisting fingers, wringing hands, biting … Often, this is not it hurts as much as it is insulting and humiliating. Reading such words is much more unpleasant than exercising or worrying.

And in babies up to a year old - sharp motion sickness, strong pressing to oneself, clicking on the nose for a bite on the chest, shaking or throwing on the bed, albeit from a small height … We will not talk about babies now. Everyone knows the shake syndrome, from which he can even die, even in parents who are ardently loving the child, who could not stop in time.

But about children over 2-3 years old and up to … until the moment when he cannot answer "in return" (an amazing thing, but just at this moment the parents suddenly realize that it is possible to build educational dialogues in some other way). Indeed, a child can behave in such a way that he just wants to take and kill, not forever, of course, but so that he stops right now, stops, calms down, stops talking, stops twitching, silently ate, walked carefully, flew over puddles. And I know what I'm talking about, being a mother of three children, two of whom are still tomboy.

Many articles have already been written about the causes of physical violence in the family, as well as recommendations on what to do. We will concentrate on the very first step. But first, a little personal.

No, I myself did not become a victim of constant physical violence with fractures, I grew up in an ordinary Moscow family with my mother, her younger sister and their parents divorced at my two years old, who periodically experienced Mexican passions. In the family it was customary sometimes, "within the acceptable limits," to raise a hand. In my memory, there is only one episode when my mother introduced me to the belt - then, being a student of the 2nd or 3rd grade, I skipped the music lesson, as I played too much, and did not admit it. And my teacher caught me in front of my mother, and now …

But I remember the cuffs very well. No, they loved me, took care of me, it was just such an educational reception, loving. Only by the age of 20 I stopped shuddering and internally freezing when, being next to my mother, she suddenly waved her hand. This is monstrous, I still remember this nagging fear of physical punishment, pain behind the breastbone or in the area of the solar plexus. I must say that the goal was achieved, but I was guided by the fear of physical punishment, and not understanding why and why, in fact, this is necessary, but this is not worth it. And it bore fruit. But now is not about that.

Of course, I have always grown up with the determination that I will not allow this with my children. Indeed, having also a wonderful specialty of a psychologist, having gone a long way of personal psychotherapy, opening myself to the latest knowledge and experience in raising children, in interacting with them, listening to my intuition and heart, I managed to make a breakthrough in my personal generational experience. But, unfortunately, until the end, until the end, and I feel from within how difficult it is to lay a new path, trample a new path, react emotionally and naturally, but without this coppery smack of malice in your voice, literally catching your hand in a millimeter from … Yes, this is a work that requires involvement, but it's worth it.

Our grandparents, grandparents went through a terrible time, many were broken, traumatized, many were deprived of parental affection and care, but with each generation we can gradually change the situation, filling our family with new experience, bringing our own. Our children, I dare to hope, will pass on even more experience of acceptance, love and trusting warm relationships.

How often do I hear from my clients: “I screamed, hit, and then I felt so ashamed”, “then an unbearable feeling of guilt appeared”, “I don’t know what was happening to me, I can’t stop, I was carried away”. Each has its own unique story, situation, age of children. And here some general recommendations will not work. But, nevertheless, there is one step common to everyone who wants to make a difference. This is the one hour and day rule. You don't have to tell yourself that "that's it, but never again, so that I would do it again!" But! "I will not hit the child, no matter what happens, the next hour from this minute."

Be sure to congratulate yourself for this hour! And … give yourself one more hour, and even a day. At the end of the day, you may be surprised to notice that the first day free from violence has passed. But what should you do instead? This is where help may be needed. This is, firstly, special literature on interaction with children, and secondly, support from mothers who practice non-violent methods of upbringing. Thirdly, it is, of course, the help of a psychologist in the format of individual and / or group therapy.