2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When working with adolescents who are in the process of choosing a life path, psychologists often face such a problem as parents' denial of the child's desires and constant pressure on him. There may be many options, but now I am talking about choosing a specialty, and therefore my future (at least the nearest one). During consultations, this issue is often raised, but I decided to write about it after three clients in a row complained about the lack of support from their parents.
Parents, at times, take on too much, claiming that "I know better", "and who you will become", etc. In most cases, this is the manifestation of the parents' problem. Let's take a look at them with examples.
1. "Our unfinished business"
Anna wanted to be a doctor since childhood. But when she grew up - it did not work out - she became pregnant too early, was left without proper education and with an unfulfilled dream. When Anna's daughter grew up and wanted to become an architect, Anna (having parental power and authority) began to put pressure on her daughter in every possible way, actually manipulating her, forcing her to go into medicine.
2. "I've always wanted to …"
An example from the category "you were born, and I already knew where you would study." The father wanted to see his son as a lawyer. Fundamentally. For admission - English from the age of three, constant involvement in the father's work, etc. The parent has built an ideal future for himself, in which there is no room for self-determination for his child.
3. "Which one of you is a psychologist / lawyer / programmer …"
Constantly focusing on the child's shortcomings as an element of manipulation. A very low and traumatic reception for a child. Such parents need to be reminded that when they themselves chose a profession, they had approximately the same knowledge and skills as their child. They were taught exactly the same way at the institute everything that their children will be taught.
4. "In pursuit of profit"
Talk about the "disadvantage" of the chosen profession is often a lever of pressure. However, parents should consider whether they are willing to sacrifice their child's happiness and contentment for the illusory "gain" that is being talked about. After all, if he is not interested in the business in which he is engaged, then the question arises about the success of a person in the profession.
5. "Open manipulation"
"If you go there, I don't talk to you anymore / I won't support you." Behind such words is the parental fear of losing control of the child. It is difficult for a parent to admit that he has grown up, can and will act in his own way. The adult is not ready to let the child out of the nest. To a parent, he is still a toddler in need of protection and guidance. In fact, the only thing a child needs at such a moment is support.
These are the most striking examples of how adults impose their point of view on children. In fact, trying to make up for what was once lost or missed, parents hurt, "break" children. This entails a whole range of problems, including psychological ones. So parents should think about whether they are doing this for themselves or for the sake of the child? Why are they trying so hard to win him over to their side? Why do they completely ignore the wishes of the child?
The lack of support from those closest to him makes the world around him scary and lonely. All that is required of the parent at the moment of self-determination of the child is confirmation that if he stumbles, makes the wrong choice, then a loved one will always be there, support and help.
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