LIVE FOR A CHILD

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

This is the conclusion that women often come to in post-divorce situations. The woman decides that no one needs a "divorce with a trailer". That, even if a man hypothetically appears, there will not be enough time right away for: children, for a new sweetheart, for everyday life, for cooking / cleaning / washing / shirts / diapers. What if the man won't accept the children? The woman puts an end to her personal life and concludes for herself that she must live for the sake of the child.

The child becomes the meaning of life. That is, now it depends on the child whether the mother will be happy or not, successful at work or not, whether she will communicate with her friends or not, whether she will go out. The child has ALREADY been held responsible for the lack of personal life of the mother. The child becomes the only object of both mother's joy and mother's grief.

What do such children then hear, growing up and making attempts to separate, separate, arrange their lives according to their own rules?

"I laid my life on you, ungrateful!"

"I didn't sleep at night, I was malnourished, I gave up my personal life, and you …"

"Was that why I gave birth to you and gave up everything, so that you would leave me later, abandoned me, like your father?"

Children growing up in a family where their mother lives for their sake already feel guilt and an overwhelming burden of responsibility. After all, if a mother lives for them and is unhappy, it means that the children are to blame.

The meaning of life in the form of a child is not justified. It hurts the child from this and he tries to please his mother: to amuse her, to make her laugh, to listen to stories about how men offended her, to sympathize with her mother, to love her, to please with obedience, never to offend his mother, never to be offended by himself and not to be angry with her, not to contradict her, to follow her will.

The baby is safe for mom. He will not leave her (where does he go from her if he is dependent on his mother!). He will not betray. You can safely unload your negative emotions on a child: anger, fear, disappointment, powerlessness. The child will endure it too. Because I have to. After all, she lives for him!

Mothers who live for their children face the fear of loneliness as the child grows up. How so? She lived FOR him, FOR him, and now - what? Why, why live now?

Then you can get sick in order to keep the child close, you can criticize and devalue the child, inspire him that only his mother needs such a wretched one (and the child will believe in it!). You can criticize the partners of an adult child so that he would prefer a worthless daughter-in-law or a bad son-in-law - a mother.

But if you look at the motives, why does a woman actually decide to live with her child? This is a transfer of responsibility. For a poor personal life, for divorce, for fear that she will not be able to build a new relationship, for her failure. After all, for any failure now there is a powerful argument: "I have you, I took care of you, so I could not ….".

She could not build a new relationship, could not forgive the insults to her ex-spouse, could not get stronger financially, could not communicate with friends and girlfriends.

It is very painful and unpleasant to admit this, especially when the goal is initially good. Society in every possible way approves and accepts the role of holiness of a single mother who has dedicated herself to her children. She a priori deserves respect: not only has she given by life, she has also raised her, put her on her feet. And all - alone, by herself. I didn’t sleep enough, didn’t eat enough, denied myself in many ways, was deprived of many things. Everything for the sake of the children! Mother is a heroine, a sacrificial mother, a saint.

In fact, children are a screen behind which hides a host of fears and self-doubt. Now you can not be held responsible for your failures - there is a child for that.

In a woman's life, there are several areas that make up happiness in a complex, fill life:

- motherhood;

- work (business);

- personal life;

- health, sports, personal care;

- rest with friends, communication;

- hobby, self-development.

Each of the areas takes a certain amount of time and effort, directed attention, energy to realize oneself in each specific role. It is normal for each area to develop without detriment to others.

Living for yourself does not mean that you need to give your children to grandmothers, orphanages / boarding schools, nannies, ex-spouse or someone else. This means that a woman realizes herself in different roles (including the role of a mother), while devoting enough time and attention to other areas of her life, in addition to motherhood.

A woman devotes a certain number of hours to her work, a certain number of hours - to her children, she takes care of herself for a certain time, spends time communicating with her friends, communicating with the opposite sex, devotes time to reading books, and self-development.

Not environmentally friendly is the situation when self-care, personal life, self-realization, communication - they move away, or even completely sink into oblivion, in order to devote themselves ONLY to raising a child. Of course, certain children take more time, as they require more attention and energy (for example, children with special needs). But it is normal and healthy when a woman leaves time for other areas of her life.

Children who grew up with a mother who lives ONLY by them, only for their sake, learn that you need to live for someone, that your own life is not a priority, is not valuable and there must be something (or someone), which contains the only meaning of life, for the sake of and for which it is worth living.

But, happiness consists of several components: it is an arranged personal life, and raising children, and self-realization, and communication, rest. And none should develop to the detriment of the other.

Of course, the percentage of effort will be different for each individual area. It is impossible to divide them equally, and it is not necessary. You can meet with friends once a week, while playing with children, doing modeling / drawing, reading fairy tales - mom will be there every day. Mom will work, look for herself, self-actualize while the child is in kindergarten, for example, or at school, while attending circles, sections.

The woman leaves time and energy for each area. Life cannot be fulfilled when an end is put on personal life and this time is completely devoted to children. Or when a woman refuses self-realization. When a woman stops taking care of herself and she explains all this by the fact that this is for the sake of the child.

Children are great happiness! It is a joy to watch a child grow and develop, take part in the upbringing process, study with him, play, read fairy tales, talk with him. But that shouldn't be the only joy in life!

A mother who has devoted herself to children simply cannot physically be involved in the life of a child 24 hours a day. And for the child, the situation will be healthier when the mother will play with him and study for 2-3 hours during the day, but at the same time she will be fully emotionally involved in communication with him, in the game, in the joint activity. Than a constantly physically present mother nearby, but emotionally somewhere far away.

To live for yourself means to devote time, energy, attention to ALL significant areas in life in one proportion or another. Do not give up other significant, important areas, surrendering completely to the child.

Therefore, dear women, dear mothers! Live FOR YOURSELF! For your pleasure and your happiness. Let your children be a part of this pleasure, this success, but not the main and not the main component!

Personal life, career success, finding what you love, self-realization are possible even if you have children! To do this, it is important to reveal your strengths, your capabilities, gain faith in yourself, reveal your sexuality, forgive insults, move forward, upward, and further.

Both a child and a man, and work, and a hobby, and your health, and your girlfriends are all COMPONENTS of happiness. But each component alone cannot replace everything else. Where there is a bias, happiness ends! Allow yourself to be needed, first of all, by yourself! Allow yourself to feel your absolute worth. Then the world will reciprocate you! I sincerely and with all my heart wish you this!