2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A person who is often offended may not realize that in this way he is trying to manipulate other people. Resentment is an attempt to make another person feel guilty. That is, where there is resentment at one end of the relationship, guilt is at the other. What does a person who feels guilty do most often? Of course, he tries to make amends for his guilt and begins to behave as the one who is offended needs. Fulfills his requests, tries not to hurt and somehow please. This is how resentment manipulation works.
We get offended when the other person behaves contrary to our expectations. Very often, the manipulation of resentment can be seen in parent-child relationships.
For example, a mother may be offended by her adult daughter for not going with her to her relatives, but preferring to stay at home with her children. Resentments can be supported by reproachful messages: "This is how you appreciate your mother, who raised you alone and did not sleep at night because of you." This is a direct verbal manipulation in order to induce feelings of guilt in the daughter and make her act the way her mother wants. There can also be non-verbal manipulations. For example, take offense and not talk for a week, or punish with lack of care and warm attitude, or get sick.
What is left in this case for the daughter? Of course, the feeling of guilt and the desire to make amends for this very guilt. Next time, the daughter may give up her desires and plans so as not to offend her mother. Or she will begin to deceive in order to avoid what her mother imposes on her. Relationships suffer greatly from this. In such cases, it is impossible to build an open and trusting interaction.
Of course, attempts to manipulate resentment are often unconscious. A person can really feel a strong sense of resentment, and it may seem to him that the other is doing wrong to him. Resentment is rooted in childhood. Most often the childish part of our personality is offended. Perhaps in childhood, some important needs were not satisfied, or the child, who was scolded and punished, could not respond with aggression to his parents and only silently resented them.
And all these scenarios of relationships from childhood are transferred to adulthood and begin to play out with loved ones, children, partners, and work colleagues. In order to realize how we act out children's scenarios, we need to ask ourselves the question: "What is happening now, what is it like from my past, from my childhood experience?" The answer sometimes comes immediately: memories come to mind, some stories from the past. Sometimes the answer is not so obvious. We can block our memories and experiences as they can be very painful.
And what about those who are trying to manipulate, taking offense and imputing a sense of guilt?
It is important not to be manipulated and be aware of what is happening. For example, in the case of an adult daughter, understand that she is not her mother's lifeguard. That mom is an adult and is quite capable of dealing with her problems herself. That the daughter has a right to her life, her interests and needs, and is not obliged to meet the requirements and expectations of her mother. Of course, this is not as easy as it sounds. Releasing guilt that has been imposed over the years is a long process. And this will not go away immediately, because by inertia a person falls into old scenarios, experiences and acting out. The first step on this path is awareness.
In order to feel free from other people's manipulations, including the manipulation of resentment, internal work is necessary, which is much safer and more environmentally friendly to carry out with the help of a specialist.
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