Hey, What Are You Doing As An Adult?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There is an opinion that while there are no children of their own, there is nothing to advise on how to educate others.

Ok, there will be no further education tips. What will happen is unambiguous, sometimes very clear hints of the opportunity to be with children on an equal footing, respectfully and without violence, an opportunity that most of the parents for some reason from generation to generation diligently avoids.

I often see how some people, larger in size, oppress, intimidate and “prophylactically” beat others, smaller in size. And they do it in public, without hesitation. This can often be found in public places in any city, and most importantly, passers-by consider it the norm. Of course, they are not beaten with sticks, but they confidently use cuffs, podzhopniki, twitching, a loud voice, sometimes, with the transition to op, accusations, blackmail and multiple injuries with threats.

I do not always have enough wisdom to somehow transparently and non-conflict establish interaction, but sometimes it works. To be honest, I am still learning this. It's not just not to break loose and start to suppress, teaching, an adult, even a man, even a woman - I can do that very well. It is much more difficult to try to resolve the situation gently, unobtrusively and at the same time wisely, so that the mind of an adult, at least for a moment, opens slightly.

Yes, I am sure that it is inappropriate to be silent and tolerate in such situations - for me, the behavior of a parent that humiliates a child in a public place cannot be “not my business”. This is always my business. This always directly concerns me - after all, I am near, I see all this, I hear, I am present next to what is happening and, non-interference here for me is like indulgence and agreement with what is happening, like the support of such parents, they say, “everything is ok, well done, continue with that. in the same spirit!”. It's like walking past a person who has suddenly fainted on the street, and I quickly run past, - after all, "there are so many people around, someone will help."

In my opinion, no one will help. If you are near - help you. And if you don’t help, then you will live with this burden, with such cowardice, and then be prepared that life will turn away from you in exactly the same way, at the right moment, and will hasten on its much more “important” affairs.

But it's certainly not about how heartless everyone is. And in what everyone is accustomed to attitudes and concepts.

The bigger ones are usually called “adults”. The smaller ones are “children”.

And so, when an “adult” humiliates, punishes or beats a “child” - this is called “education”. And everyone got used to it. I'm used to it too. Because once upon a time I was also a “child”. And he also received cuffs, podzhopniki, stood in the corner. No, my parents are not monsters, they are quite common, and they used the same educational measures that were accepted as an unconditional norm throughout the post-Soviet space.

And I regularly listened to complaints like: "What are you like little?" - when I was scared or lonely. "Pull yourself together, you are not a girl to cry!" - when I was hurt or offended. I listened without the opportunity to hide somewhere or stop listening, as many of you were forced to listen to some familiar parental “educational” phrases and methods. And we had to listen patiently, we had to listen to everything that was said to us. Probably it was not always spoken so loudly, but always in an indifferent, cold, edifying and accusatory tone, just like in court. After all, let's be honest - each of us, one way or another, is well aware of these standard "educational measures", which, according to the idea (no one knows who) should, ideally, educate an independent and "adult" person.

And everyone, one way or another, absorbed all these methods with milk, because they are absorbed unconsciously - the very "educational" measures that some 10-20-30 years ago forced to suffer, shrink, hide and disappear morally, literally failing through the earth of each of us. And how did it happen that now we ourselves use the same "educational" measures, if we really do not notice how inadequate and destructive they are, and if we only suspect, but close our eyes to this with all our might and justify ourselves with many completely logical explanations, which - I have no doubt that each of us has it.

But maybe right now the very moment has come to think for a second, pause and reflect on what it would be like for us, who have not yet grown up, with ourselves as adults. Look at ourselves soberly, from the outside, try to feel how I am a grown-up and an “adult” behave with myself as a child (put myself in the place of my child) - and perhaps we will finally be able to understand why our child is so often sick, is capricious, it is difficult to go to bed with hysterics, gets angry, and how we turn it out beautifully: “provokes you into rude behavior”. Put yourself in his place, only for real, entirely, without trying to defend or justify yourself as an adult. I think this would be a good research experiment for everyone.

Once a similar coup happened to me. At that moment, I forgot about roles and definitions and became Watch, for the first time directly and for real. Look at reality itself, and not at your thoughts about it, and fifths on the tenth interpretation. At that moment, the feeling of resentment, injustice disappeared, all the suppressed emotions towards their own parents burst like a soap bubble and behind them a discouraging reality in its simplicity was revealed.

And the reality turned out to be that the norm is to humiliate, suppress by force and power, to offend a person not always even physically - more often morally, confidently punish a person who still does not know how to adequately answer you. Simply because he is weaker, less than you, and, in fact, you are the only and most important person for him so far. You are mom or dad.

And therefore, you are the main authority. You are the main source of truth. Everything you do is right. Because he (the child) has nothing to compare with yet. There is no position. And your position on ANYONE the question is correct by default.

And it turns out that the person whom the child trusts, for now, one hundred percent, the person who is the center of the universe, this particular person, systematically oppresses the child. Regularly. And all, of course, from “good” intentions.

The “better” the intentions, the tighter the restrictions. The stronger the blows, the rougher the insults. Not to mention intimidation. "You will NEVER get anything from me, UNDERSTOOD!" - I recently heard in a small cafe. Terrorism in its purest form. WITHOUT quotes. Mom swore at the boy who dropped ice cream on his sweater and, yes, got it dirty - this sweater of his.

But, dear mothers, isn't the clothes on the human body created in order to warm, warm, protect, and, in which case, tear and get dirty and, in general, serve as protection from the external environment? Isn't that the primary task of clothing? I think not - I'm sure - that the function of clothes is precisely in this, and only then in beauty, neatness, etc.

And, in fact, childhood is exactly that carefree time when important get dirty, fall, dirty clothes (at least, do not take a steam bath on this score), turn everything upside down, and play without hind arms and legs!

And, in fact, it is time for all parents, without exception, to start learning from their children - instead of suppressing such openness, freedom, instead of locking up children's freedom with a bunch of stupid rules, all of which, without exception, are aimed only at the child was more controllable, compromise, and agreed to everything from your first word.

But if you need exactly such, a subordinate, an obedient child - why didn't you get yourself a Tamagotchi or a robot doll? There are plenty of them now, they really are less of a hassle. They are predictable and consonant. The very thing that is needed for a life calm from the hassle. A question that would be useful to ponder.

But if without emotion. Who are the “children”?

“Children” are people. It is the people. I don't know how to make a dramatic pause here, but I want this simple thought to penetrate and germinate in you.

Children do not come from another planet and do not crawl out of a parallel universe through some kind of metaphysical portal. Although the "portal" could be safely called the most real metaphysical!

Children are people just like you and me. People who probably know less buzzwords than you and me. They know fewer successful combinations of these words. That is, they have, elementary, less experience with words and meanings. Less experience … That's all.

But this does not mean at all that they are stupider than you or me. This is does not give us the right to believe that we are better than them, just because we spent a little more time on the planet and read more books or articles online.

We have no right to order them. Impose your will. And even more so to put your hand in "educational measures", on the head or ass. What … you say "well, not with all the same strength"? And it’s not a matter of strength at all, it’s a matter of simple, most ordinary humiliation. Just in case, I will explain what humiliation is. Humiliation is when one person allows himself, taking advantage of the advantages in weight, height, age and position, to do with another person what he does not allow in his address to ANYONE (and even more so to someone who is smaller, younger and weaker).

We are absolutely equal. Children do not need our indulgence or our authority. All they need is our attention, communication, contact. And if you are not ready to give it to them right now, then feel free to talk about it.

You can say, for example: "I don't want to play now." Or: “I'm tired - I want to lie down, be silent. But you do whatever you want. You don't bother me. " And then there is no problem. There is nothing to decide, there is no one to "educate", there is no one to be angry with.

Allow yourself it - allow yourself EQUAL sincere contact with your own children. Perhaps at first it will seem to you that you will lose control over the children, as if you have lost a joystick. It will be so. But if openness, true human closeness and love are more valuable and more important to you, you will be able to cope with the difficulties that await you. Yes, they are waiting for you, and without them there is no way.

It's easy to be honest and equal. Incredibly easy.

But when you are used to doing something through force. Sacrifice your own interests for the sake of others. You will, of course, expect to be rewarded for it. After all, you are so used to it. I got used to limit myself. You are not familiar with anything else. And of course, you will pass this scheme on to the children.

And then you will get it back. You will get demanding and capricious guys and girls. Because he himself demanded from them to a heap, when they still did not know how or could not say “no” and insist on their own.

And now, when they have grown up, before you slap the head on the head, you think for a second: “Will I get it in return? The guy waved! Taller than me twice and wider one and a half."

That is, the only thing that stops you is the understanding that the violence will no longer pass. Physical violence. Think about the guy rocking the carcass only because you whipped him on his bare ass with a belt, you don't want to. Because then you have to look further and ask: "Could I not whip?" And consider ALL answer options.

but there is no tragedy in all this … Because there is nothing irreparable. And in this case, there is simply nothing to fix. The only thing that is required is stop communicating with “children” and start communicating with people.

Throw the idea of "children" in the trash and learn to build communication and any interaction on an equal footing, that is, taking into account mutual interests, wishes and mutual opportunities. We'll have to learn to build a constructive, sincere mutual dialogue. With an equal being. Do not expect anything from anyone and demand nothing. Let them “make mistakes” and get their own experience. ESPECIALLY when you are scared for them.

And that takes courage. Real courage. The courage to admit that you really don't know anything about life. And he is not able to convey to anyone any knowledge at all. Because you don't have it. And there never was.

It doesn't matter how many diplomas you have or what. It doesn't matter how smart, educated and knowledgeable you think you are. Even your precious experience is unimportant. All this is unimportant. At all.

What matters is that right now you ALREADY you can try to live, interact and communicate with your loved ones differently. No interference, not a single one. Except for the air handcuffs in your head - no one has shackled you and does not force you to behave rudely, manipulatively, and haughtily. You can already try to live side by side and observe truly free people, and these are the “children” whom you do not beat, do not intimidate and do not bring up.

People who know that none of their decisions will lead to the end of the world and the collapse of the universe - to betrayal by those closest to them. None. Because their universe is you. BUT you always support them in everything. Always and in everything. One hundred percent of the time.

No matter how stupid or dangerous they are doing.

You do not support for something. Not so that they “turned out” - “real” or “outstanding” and not so that someday you would have someone to bring a glass of water.

No. You do it … just like that. For nothing. And not for some reason. You just can't do otherwise. You're just there and that's it. And with the rest they will figure it out themselves. They'll figure it out. Trust me.