Lost In Translation

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Sometimes we say something to our children, hoping it will benefit them. In fact, it turns out exactly the opposite, and even the phrase itself, children can hear in their own way. And at one time, each of us was also a child, who was also probably told something similar. How to get out of this vicious circle of misunderstanding, pressure and loneliness? What are these words that create difficulties in translation into the "childish" language? And how do they affect our lives and how we build relationships? Let's figure it out.

"Do not touch - you will break / hurt / spoil!" And in the logical addition "I'll do it myself!".

What does the child hear? - "I can not cope with anything, it is better not even to start." Children and adolescents think in perfect all-or-nothing categories. And if I didn’t manage here, then I won’t be able to do it somewhere else. This is how the learned helplessness, the fear of failure, the fear of making a mistake and the loss of oneself are formed. Since the child's research interest is traumatized in this situation. And the child learns the world and himself in activity, as Russian psychologists still said. Therefore, it will be right to let the child do what he wants - to wash the dishes, put on mom's lipstick, set the table or do homework. By the way about the lessons. It would seem that with household chores, one can somehow understand the mother's fear that the child will get hurt. And what about the lessons? This is the child's activity, his own project, which he is able to and inspire the child that he will not cope with what, in theory, he can definitely cope with - blasphemy. How often can you see a mother doing homework for her child, because he "does not try enough", "draws poorly", "is lazy and can get a deuce." Let him get it! This is his business and doing his homework for him, telling him "let me myself", you increase his self-doubt and infantilism.

"Calm down immediately!", "Stop breeding snot!"

What does the child hear? "I shouldn't feel and express what I feel." In the future, he will learn to keep all emotions in himself, and will move further and further emotionally from his parents, and in the future from his close partner. Over time, he will also find it difficult to determine his feelings, and therefore, what happens to him. This can result in various addictions, attempted suicide or depressive disorder. Immediately I draw the most extreme scenarios, but not so rare.

"I will see it again - it will hit you!"

What does the child hear? - I need to learn to hide from my parents otherwise I will get it. When it hits, what exactly it hits, mind you, this phrase is not specified. This context is understandable for the parent, but not for the child, and even less for the adolescent, whose attention is scattered, too flexible, and everything that he hears is "see and fall." And so the child learns to lie, hide, dodge.

“Why are your experiences there! This is nothing! Don't worry and don't think about it and everything will pass!"

What does the child hear? - I'm not important to mom / dad. What worries me is not important. This is one of the most horrible things a parent can say to a child. Firstly, in this way the child really does not feel the participation and empathy for his problem on the part of a significant and close person. And he will be more wary of trusting and revealing the innermost to such a person in the future. Secondly, a child (for example, a girl) has a dissonance in her head - she feels really painful due to the fact that the boy she likes in the class does not pay attention to her, but she is told that her pain is nothing. So this girl will learn to spit on herself and her feelings, and she can subsequently be easily manipulated in a relationship, if during adolescence she does not experience a complete collapse of the authority of her parents and she does not develop her own life attitudes. By the way, here I would also like to dwell on the last phrase “do not think and everything will pass!”. Very often in the chat, while chatting with clients, I hear this phrase in response to my proposal to talk about his problem and pain in more detail. They say literally this "Come on, why am I, probably, you just need not to think about it and not pay attention." And this happens exactly when it is proposed to talk in more detail about what worries. This parental attitude is immediately traced, which, at least, will lead to the launch of the problem, and the maximum - to a psychosomatic illness.

"All children are normal, and you are a continuous punishment"

What does the child hear? - "I am bad". "I am worse than others." This is how parents “help” the child to answer the eternally exciting question, especially in adolescence, “Who am I?”. "I am bad, I am a moron, I am a punishment, I am nobody, I am a clumsy" This is how complexes are formed, which are not so easy to heal later on in psychotherapy. But probably.

“Do you love your mom? So do it then!"

What does the child hear? “If I don’t do what is required of me, then I don’t love my mother.” This is how the fear of intimacy is formed. Feelings of love begin to mingle with a sense of duty and self-abuse.

What can you do if you find yourself saying all of these things to your child or something similar to them?

First step - admit the mistake and ask the child for forgiveness. Contrary to the misconceptions of many parents, by apologizing, they will not lose their authority with the child, but rather set him a positive example of "life after making a mistake." For many children, the fear of being wrong is like death.

Second step - Turn each statement into a positive one for the child. For example, "don't touch!" - "Take it, I will help if that."

The third step is Start saying new statements to the child.

If in the above described you rather identified yourself with the child than with the parent, you heard similar things in childhood and today they interfere with your life, you should not poke your finger at your parents and say accusatory speeches "So it's your fault!" Perhaps for a while, the accusation will make you feel better, but the situation will not change in any way. As adults, any behaviors that we use, even if they are learned from childhood (hiding the truth about ourselves, not paying attention to our feelings and desires, letting ourselves be used, not loving ourselves) are our own choices, for which we are responsible. … If as children we had neither the opportunities nor the resources to somehow change the existing system of relations with parents, today, as adults, we have them.