Translation From Children Or Playing The Princess

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In English-language texts, which I had to translate, edit, or just read, the expression “to meet one’s need” is often found. As life shows, being aware of your need is not at all such a simple matter. And if an adult, when he wants something, but it is not clear what exactly, can turn to his experience, to various memories, analyze his feelings, then what happens to him, or consciously use the "trial and error" method, then for a child, everything is much more complicated.

A 2-3 year old child says "I want", and parents perceive them with joy or anxiety, suggesting some conscious, adult choice behind this. Often, however, these words turn out to be just words denoting the presence of desire, but not its very content. It should be noted in parentheses that adults meet the child's wishes in very different ways. For some parents, the baby's words "I want" cause pride and joy, they say, what kind of adult a person has become, he knows what he wants. For other parents, this can cause tension, fear, even panic: will they be able to satisfy these desires, will they have enough strength and money to get the desired moon? For example, here are some of the possible reactions of parents to the child's words "I want":

- I am proud of my son, because he himself decides what to do, and you can negotiate with him (son is 2, 5 years old)

- I get scared when my daughter starts talking about her desires: children's attractions, toys, I'm afraid that I won't have the opportunity to buy what she asks for, I feel worthless, unsuccessful, I try to run past the stalls as quickly as possible, showcases … Her desires become dangerous for me (a girl of 4 years old).

- It only annoys me when a child, and not only mine, begins to whine and demand: I want this, I want this. The child does not yet and cannot have any rights to want something. He has someone to solve his problems (the boy is 6 years old).

What feelings, what reactions cause the child's desires in those around him - that is, his direct statement about his needs - largely determines the way the child deals with his desires. He can see or hide them, ignore them, be frightened, ashamed.

A child is not able to recognize the content of his need, until he meets with it, until he experiences satisfaction, until he recognizes a situation in which he feels good, and he selects in his mind an object, person or attitude that brings pleasure, and thus will not become acquainted with his desire. His feelings tell him that he wants something, that something is missing. There is tension, discomfort, anxiety in the body. The child picks out an object with his gaze - yeah, this is what I need, this is what I needed, without this machine, doll, candy, grandmother, boy, dog, I feel so bad! Or recalls some past situation when it was good, and tries to return to it or reproduce it in the current moment. Well, if this coincides with the child's real desire, then there really comes a satisfaction and meeting with his need, recognition and appropriation of the experience gained. Much worse if, in fact, the desire was different. Then the child gets the desired dog, grandmother, candy, but dissatisfaction remains. stress and irritation remains, which breaks through through well-being with tears, screaming, resentment, or in other ways. And then adults start complaining about whims. It is interesting to consider this situation from the point of view of the violation of contact between the child and the outside world.

When adults recall some episodes of their childhood, in groups or in individual therapy related to whims, they often say that the very desire to get something or to get somewhere was very strong, clear, precise. There was a very bright figure in my mind - I wanted this and only this, everything else was a faded and blurred background. Adults recalled another common feature: in this situation, only another strong and powerful person, like a wizard or a giant, could give the desired thing. Of course, if you see the situation from the point of view of the child, then in his life there really is such a moment when the child only wants something, shows it with a sign, gesture, voice, sometimes words, and his almighty helper or patron guesses and fulfills this desire. One has only to want to eat, and it is already sweet in the mouth, if you want a toy, and it is already in your hands. Almost like in a fairy tale - he rubbed the lamp and the gin brought the palace and whatever you want. Or wave a magic wand, lay out a self-assembled tablecloth - and you are full and satisfied. And then suddenly something deteriorates in the magic lamp, you say to her - I want, and the gin, that is, the parent, in response - himself, please. It becomes insulting to tears what to do - it is not clear how to explain it is not known, and the former ruler of genies and wizards has to get acquainted with the prosaic reality. So it is no coincidence that people remembered the very strong feeling of resentment that arises in such situations against adults who "slipped" something insignificant, just to calm the child down or get rid of him. In this case, the meeting with their needs never happened, and the child had the experience that it is indecent, embarrassing, senseless or dangerous to say "I want it". If such an experience came early enough, then adults could hardly remember their childhood desires, but they said:

- I was a very comfortable child. I don’t remember asking anything so special, I only wanted what I needed.

There was no recognition of the need, and in these cases, more or less rigid introjects took the place of desires. However, genuine unrecognized desires, which the child missed, remain and make themselves felt by feelings of dissatisfaction, resentment, disappointment, irritation or anger. Children develop a certain way of dealing with their desires and avoiding meeting with them, which often leads to situations requiring special efforts, for example, the intervention of a psychologist or psychotherapist.

In therapy and counseling, one has to meet with cases when a child feels desires, but is not aware of them, does not possess effective ways of dealing with his desires. In this case, the necessary, and sometimes the main, content of the work becomes work with the identification of the child's true desire, hidden behind obedience, indifference or stormy whim. Our work was similar to the translation of the cry "I want the moon" from a child's language to a parent. And the game of the princess turned out to be a good method of work.

Mom brought a 5-year-old girl Olya with complaints about her uncontrollability, tantrums, whims "from scratch." As a result, interaction with her daughter turned into torment, and the mother was already avoiding such moments in every possible way, sending her daughter to her grandmother, trying to communicate with the girl in the presence of strangers. In this mood, my mother did not want to be involved in classes, she brought the girl and waited in the next room or went about her business.

At one of the sessions, I invited Olya to play "princess". She agreed. We chose a magic stone that could fulfill all desires. She called sweets, then toys, listing them in a rather monotonous boring tone. When I drew them on paper, she looked without much interest, and once condescendingly remarked:

- All the same, none of this actually exists. Then the girl suddenly said:

- And I also want to let it be a horse.

I draw the same conventional horse as all the previous objects. But suddenly Olya was more interested in this drawing, looked carefully and clarified:

- She must have strong legs so that she can run and jump quickly.

I begin to refine the drawing, Olya moves closer and specifies where and what else needs to be drawn with obvious interest. Then we draw the grass, the road, then Olya says that, in fact, other horses are needed. Her mood improves, her usual dull grimace is replaced by a smile. I'm asking:

- What are you going to do here?

- I will also run, jump, jump and somersault. *

- Do you like it?

-Yeah.

- Where can you run?

- You can't go home - your voice becomes boring and hopeless again. At this moment, there is a meeting of desire with reality, which makes it impossible. And the experience that arises at this moment can be quite acute, it can contain both sadness and anger.

It is important for the child to meet with the sincere and honest presence of an adult.

- Indeed, it can be disgusting and offensive when you want to jump, run and just can't.

Olya says in an adult "not her own" voice:

- Decent girls do not jump - And again with their own voice - Mom gets angry when I play at home.

- Where can you find a place where you can jump and so that your mother is not angry?

We begin to sort out such places, and since there is a drawing in front of us on which horses are jumping on the grass and roads, Olya quickly offers a playground in front of the house. It is important here that the child already has the necessary knowledge about those places, those conditions where his need can be satisfied. The therapist's support is necessary to actualize this knowledge and overcome feelings of hopelessness and inability to satisfy one's desires.

In the remaining time, we discuss how great and important it is to run and jump with other children, even if you are a girl, and how you can talk to your mother so that she understands this and allows you to run.

A 5-year-old child has enough experience, when he wants something, he talks about it, and gets nothing. Reality is presented to him as rather hopeless. Sometimes this is caused by real circumstances, when a child wants the moon from the sky or swim in the river now immediately in winter, and even the most loving parent is not able to return the summer, sincerely feeling guilty about it. Sometimes this is the result of interaction with close adults who, for one reason or another, cannot delve into the child's state, they say “no, it’s not supposed to,” and this is where the conversation ends. Therefore, the child needs a certain positive experience of recognition and the possibility of satisfying his desires.

The sequence of steps in the game "Princess" can be as follows:

1. Introduction to the game. Pronouncing the conditions of the game, emphasizing the importance of the words "I want". Start of the game: discussion of the castle or palace, surroundings, etc. - creating a gaming atmosphere.

2. Introduction of a "magic friend" - a mediator who fulfills the child's wishes. This is especially important when participating in a parenting game. The magic mediator allows parents to overcome resistance to the child's orders. It is a magical mediator who obeys the child and fulfills his wishes, not a parent who can easily find himself drawn into a power struggle with the child.

These two steps correspond to the pre-contact stage and create space for the emergence of the subsequent need figure.

3. The child's expression of desires and drawing of the desired objects schematically. At this stage, it is important to give room for the child to express any wishes and not to show any feelings, so as not to repeat the traumatic reaction of the adult to his child.

desires. Any most fantastic desires are accepted and fulfilled on a piece of paper. A mountain of sneakers - draw a mountain of sneakers. Horse - draw a horse. To make everyone die in one day - draw a row of graves. Another important point is accuracy, we draw only what was named, without bringing our own vision and additional adult experience.

4. Clarification by the child of the details of the desired object. An important point in the work, which allows you to determine which characteristics of the desired object are significant, relevant for the child, what quality of the object makes it necessary, attractive to the child, with which his actual need may be associated. So, the child says he wants a dog. I draw something with a tail on four legs with ears and a black nose, such a dog in general, and then it turns out that the dog must be BIG, STRONG and SCARY, or FLUFFY, SOFT and KIND, or JOY and HELIEF, because the dog is needed to SCARE or DEFENSE to CARS or PLAY. If this is really what you want, then certain qualities and certain actions are important for the child, and he intervenes in the drawing process and begins to correct, clarify or object, and thus leads us to a more accurate understanding of his needs.

These steps allow you to explore the surrounding reality and build the figure of the object of need.

5. Finding out the actions that the child wants to do in the situation named by him or with the named object. If this is a mountain of sneakers, then maybe you want to eat it, maybe treat your friends, maybe delight them with your wealth, or maybe build a house like out of cubes.

An important step that brings you closer to the real life situation and the actions that the child can take.

6. Transition to reality - where this desire can be realized in the child's real life situation and how this can be achieved.

The desires that arose in children, and how they were transformed during the game, were sometimes completely unexpected. The same horse in another case was a means to get to the grandmother, and at the end of the work it turned out that it was quite possible to call the grandmother, because the mother could not take her to her, but the mother, as the child himself remembered, was able to dial the phone number. The desire to go to Africa, as the 10-year-old boy understood well, was completely hopeless, hiding behind itself the desire to go to the neighboring yard and the fear of doing it alone and the desire to make friends in a new unfamiliar place where the family had recently moved. In the game, it turned out that in order to go to the neighboring * yard, an older brother is quite suitable, and you can also make friends with kids, who are very interested in listening to stories that the boy knew how to write and tell great. A sufficiently detailed discussion of various objects and situations paves the way for the exploration of the environment and gives the child a suitable way to interact with reality.

Another variant of the application of this game seems to be interesting. In this case, the main work was carried out by the mother, who had enough imagination and sensitivity to carry out this game on her own. Mom asked for advice on the whims of her 5-year-old daughter and recommendations for the "correct" methods of fostering modesty and decency. The girl's immodesty and capriciousness manifested itself in her constant attempts to dress up, decorate herself, draw the attention of adults to her appearance, touchiness and irascibility. The girl's mother was worried that the child's spirituality would not develop in this way and reacted to this behavior, severely upsetting the girl, explaining to her the unworthiness of such behavior. At the time of our meeting, the girl did not ask for new outfits or jewelry, but could not help showing off. During the conversation, it turned out that at night the girl was tormented by a strong cough that interferes with her sleep and which, in the opinion of the pediatrician, was not caused by a cold or an allergic reaction of the body. In this late night cough there was a retroflexed statement of her desires, which was too dangerous to manifest directly, because Mom's rejection of these desires was too obvious.

This is what happened during the game "Princess". Mom invites the girl to play princess:

- You will be a little princess, this will be your palace, here are your friends.

The girl agrees to play with great interest. They discuss what kind of palace she has, where is the princess's room, who else lives in the palace. Then mom says that in addition to ordinary people, there is also a magical ram in the palace (it was a plastic toy for children that accidentally caught my mother's eye). This ram knows how to fulfill any of your desires, you just have to say: "I want" - and everything will come true.

The girl begins to play with pleasure, getting more and more carried away. At first, she lists the things that were desirable for her, but her mother, remembering the conditions of the game, agreed and only asked what else. With each new "I want" the girl's voice sounded more confident, more energetic, her face became more relaxed, more cheerful. And to the great surprise of the mother, after a few minutes the girl suggested what the ram would do not only for her, but also for her friends, for her grandmother. After some time of a very intense game, the girl said that the ram was tired, put him under the blanket and continued to play and discuss with her mother what else she would like to do. For another three or four days she walked in an embrace with this ram, put him to bed with her, but the night cough after that greatly decreased and the tension between her daughter and mother began to decrease.

The first wishes that sounded were already known to the child, familiar, familiar. Those that emerged later were new, unexpected for both the daughter and the mother, they had a lot of energy, they aroused interest, gave energy for the development of action.

After the “forbidden” desires to have something for oneself were presented, the tension associated with stopping the expression of these desires decreased and space was freed up for other desires that were accepted by the mother. The muscles of the larynx no longer needed to contract to keep the words "I want", and the tension that manifested itself in the night uncontrolled coughing was gone. The natural development of the contact cycle was restored, the girl was able to assimilate this new experience and transfer it to other, non-play situations of communication with her mother. The feeling of resentment has passed, there is a calm pleasure from the game and from communication.

In conclusion, we present the main stages of working with desires:

1. A conversation about desires, about the importance of pushing out your desires.
2. Exploring the environment, highlighting objects of desire
3. Recognition of the subject of need, awareness of the need
4. Meeting with reality, experiencing the possibility or impossibility of fulfilling a desire.
5. The choice and discussion of a real way of action, adequate to the situation.

The psychotherapeutic content of working with the whims and desires of the impossible is to search for an urgently significant need of the child, meeting with the need, accepting his need, finding a way to satisfy this need and exploring the environment and its resources to satisfy this need.

The cycle of contact is interrupted at the level of awareness of desire. In a therapy session, a child receives an important new emotional experience for himself of safely presenting his desires in communication with an adult, accepting his desires, and thanks to this, he can move on to the stage of scanning - exploring the environment in order to find the necessary object and deploy retroflexed actions: addressing someone for help, some independent movements or actions. Thus, the child makes a creative adaptation and not only gets to know his need, but also develops a new way to satisfy his need. As a result, the child gains a positive experience of meeting his need, feels confident and competent in contact with the surrounding reality.