2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Situation: Mom brought her 4-year-old son to visit his grandparents. The child is happy to share with them new toys bought by their parents. In response, he hears from his grandmother: "Again, we bought some garbage!"
Or another example: A child begs his mother to buy sweets in the store. To which he receives a categorical "No". Dad steps in and, turning to mom, says: "Well, you feel sorry for money!"
There are many such examples from life. What happens at the moment when one of the adults (a parent or one who takes part in upbringing) in the presence of a child evaluates the action / decision of another significant adult? Yes Yes! It evaluates the categories: "good-bad", "right-wrong", "right-wrong", etc.
This adult “writes down” in the child the following perception of the situation that the parent's opinion / decision / behavior can always be challenged or considered wrong, which means that this parent is wrong / wrong, his opinion should not be listened to and taken into account. There are people who are more “knowledgeable”, followed by the “last word”.
Such "repeated recording" leads not only to a loss of authority, respect for a close adult, but also to the following consequences:
* the child develops the idea that his actions / decisions can also be evaluated;
* as a result, self-doubt is formed, i.e. self-esteem suffers;
* in adulthood, difficulties arise in making independent decisions;
* dependence on the opinions of others is formed - the search for confirmation or refutation of the "correctness" of the act;
* there are no clear guidelines in behavior;
* such a child can be controlled - manipulated by giving more "authoritative" information;
* such a child learns to manipulate himself - "evaluating" the actions of others as right and wrong - "I want to agree, I want to disagree." Depending on what benefit it will bring him.
In the second example, in the future, such a child plays on the feelings of the parents, either agreeing to fulfill their requests, then refusing. Or he adjusts to the opinion of one of them in order to get what he wants. Those. next time he will beg for the purchase of sweets from his father, "supporting" his decisions, fulfilling his requirements, and mothers will be perceived as "unimportant".
Therefore, it is important to discuss decisions / actions of each other, significant adults in private, not in the presence of a child, in a calm atmosphere. Agreeing and explaining your point of view / position.
And if you feel that you have already lost your credibility or faced the consequences, then welcome to an individual consultation. I will be glad to help "recover" in the eyes of the child!
Your psychologist is Evgenia Lazareva.)
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