When Parents Get Divorced

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Recently, one of the most popular requests for psychological counseling has become the topic of divorce. As a rule, a husband and wife decide to divorce only when they can no longer live together for different reasons. In this article, we'll talk about how children feel when their parents get divorced. Should children know the reason for divorce and should they discuss it with them, and if necessary, what exactly should the child know and how to tell him about it?

All adults experience divorce in their own way. Someone feels devastated, a sense of abandonment, uselessness, loneliness, resentment, anger, etc. Some, on the contrary, feel relief, freedom, independence, “a taste of new life,” etc. But more often than not, divorce is stressful. Stress for all family members.

Parents worry about how their children will survive their divorce. Will this affect their behavior, academics, mental and physical health? What can be done to minimize or prevent the child's experience? You can minimize the experience. More on that later. But unfortunately, it is not possible to prevent experiences.

We can definitely say that, for children, the divorce of parents will never be an ordinary, ordinary situation. Divorce always affects the child. Do children always worry about their parents' divorce? I think yes. Children perceive their parents as a whole, that they were, are and will be as a couple. Also, up to a certain age, children tend to idealize their parents and literally put them on a pedestal. Divorce, and those situations that often occur in a pre-divorce family, contribute to the fact that the ideal image of the parents is destroyed. What can a child feel at such moments? Everything is the same as an adult, when his ideal picture of the world collapses: resentment, disappointment, anger, misunderstanding, etc. Some children tend to blame themselves for what happened: “I behaved badly,” “I studied poorly,” “I did not help my mother.” on the pedestal of childish love, in order to somehow justify in their own eyes.

It is important to understand that although children are worried about the divorce of their parents, most still cope with their feelings and emotions on their own. Is it worth it, in this case, after the parents' divorce, to go to a psychologist with the child? Definitely yes. The only question is how urgently it needs to be done. If you notice any drastic changes in the child's behavior (fears, aggression, secrecy, shyness, excessive increased or decreased activity, etc.), you should immediately contact a specialist. But even if it seems to you that the child is feeling well and you do not see anything unusual in his behavior, you still need to consult a psychologist. The fact is that outside the child's experiences may not make themselves felt and may not be manifested in any way. Sometimes it happens that experiences go to a deep level for an indefinite time, and then appear when you least expect it.

There are some factors that affect how painful a child perceives a parental divorce:

- the age of the child (the younger the child, the easier it will tolerate the divorce of the parents);

- the general atmosphere in the family (the more civilized there is a divorce, the calmer the atmosphere in the family);

- how parents themselves experience divorce (children read very well the feelings and emotions of adults. Therefore, the calmer the parents are, the calmer and healthier the children will be);

- the attitude of relatives and friends of the family to the topic of divorce (support and help from relatives and friends is extremely necessary for a parent who remains after a divorce from a child).

In order for the child to more easily survive the divorce of the parents, it is important to remember:

- after a divorce, you cease to be spouses, but you do not cease to be parents;

- in each child 50% from mom and 50% from dad. He loves you equally;

- if a child does not have an answer to a question that worries him, he either begins to worry, or to come up with answers on his own. Sometimes these are scary and ridiculous fantasies that are not related to reality. Be gentle with your child's feelings. Tell him about what is happening in your family now, that it happens to adults that he is not to blame for this, etc. When talking with a child, it is imperative to take into account his age characteristics, the peculiarities of his nervous system and perception of the world, and a specific situation;

- the child must clearly imagine his future. How will you live further, what changes await the family, how he will communicate with dad;

- under no circumstances, do not speak in the presence of the child or he himself is bad about the second parent and his relatives;

- both parents are responsible for the divorce.

How to talk to your child about the parents' divorce and how to help the child cope with the worries, taking into account his age characteristics:

* all children develop at different rates. Age boundaries are focused on the average rate.

Baby from 0 to 6 months

Features of the perception of the situation

The child does not understand the essence of what is happening. The child feels the urgency of the parents. Calm mom - calm baby! Possible reactions: loss of appetite, restless behavior, feeling unwell.

How to behave with a child

Support for the child's mother. Be close to your child, take care of him.

Child from 6 months to 1.5 years

Features of the perception of the situation

The child unconsciously feels changes in the family, tension and discomfort. This can manifest itself in a sharp change in mood, allergies, diathesis. Children can get sick more often.

What and how to say

Talk about how you love your child, that you will always be there. Hug, kiss the baby. Be there.

How to behave with a child

Stability is important to children. Try to follow your child's usual daily routine. More often take the baby in your arms, play together.

Child from 1.5 to 3 years old

Features of the perception of the situation

Children feel and see changes in the family. Most often, they are going through quite hard. First of all, this is due to the fact that this is the period of the strongest emotional connection with parents. Children can in different ways (both consciously and unconsciously) draw the attention of their parents to themselves. Do their best to keep parents together. Children can become more capricious, show symptoms of any disease in every possible way, suck a finger, bite nails, sleep can become restless, a child can start to stutter, regress in development, etc.

What and how to say

You can say the following to such small children: "Dad will no longer live with us, he is moving to another place, but he will come to us, and you will see and play with him." Naturally, this must be supported by the prior agreement of the parents.

If the mother and the child move to another place after the divorce, the child can be told like this: "You and I will now live in another house, and dad will stay here," and so on.

How to behave with a child

It is very important that parents choose the same parenting strategy. It is important, It is necessary that the child retains the same daily regimen and diet. Spend as much time with your children as possible. Pay attention to any changes in behavior. If the child already knows how to speak, you can try to discuss his feelings with him.

Child from 3 to 6-7 years old

Features of the perception of the situation

The child grows and develops very quickly, he already understands a lot, but he feels even more. Children of this age strives to be like their parents, idealizes them. That is why, during this period, divorce causes especially strong feelings. The kid is inclined to blame himself for what happened, and does everything to fix the situation. Preschoolers still do not understand the whole essence of the concept of "divorce", but they do not want their parents to part, even if their relationship is far from ideal. The destruction of the family and the loss of the habitual can lead to the emergence of various fears in children, insomnia, an increase in the general level of anxiety and self-doubt.

Adults need to remember that at this age children often perceive the behavior of their parents as a role model, so they should strive to behave as dignified as possible.

What and how to say

A very important point in divorce is that you do not need to transfer the negative emotions that you experience in this situation to the child.

The right thing to do is to give your child a simple and easy-to-understand explanation that will play an important role in the development of your future relationship with your ex-spouse and child.

How to behave with a child

The best thing parents can do is behave with dignity. Control your own emotions and experiences. Try not to find out about the child's care, treat with respect the feelings and emotions of your ex-spouse, and most importantly, the feelings of your child. During this period, the child needs someone to whom he can trust, with whom he can talk about his feelings. It is important that this is a person who more or less objectively sees your family situation, will not turn the child against one of the parents. If it is difficult for a child to talk about their experiences directly, you can read and discuss with him books, the characters of which are experiencing similar feelings.

Child from 7 to 10 years old and from 10 to 18 years old

Features of the perception of the situation

Children of this age experience quite acutely the situation of their parents' divorce. Especially if all the nuances of the pre-divorce period took place before their eyes. This can manifest itself in bad behavior, feeling unwell, sharp negativity towards parents, protest, affect self-esteem, etc. Children can experience feelings of discouragement, resentment, loneliness. Taking advantage of the divorce situation, adolescents can begin to manipulate their parents, they can begin to ignore one or both parents.

How to behave with a child

The first step is to restore a sense of security and self-esteem. Spend your free time with your child, be genuinely interested in his life, restore trust, talk to him about his feelings. Say that even after the divorce, both mom and dad love him and will not stop caring about him, support him, and will be there when necessary. It is very important that the child understands that he is not to blame for the current situation. At the same time, parents should not blame each other for what happened and should convey to him the idea that divorce was their common decision. In the post-divorce period of parents, the child needs to communicate as much as possible with friends, relatives and peers, to be socially active. This will allow you to distract yourself from disturbing thoughts, help to increase self-esteem and will not allow you to withdraw into yourself.

It is best not to explain to teenagers in detail the reason for your divorce, and even more so, you should not talk about the insolvency of one of the spouses, which became the reason for the breakdown of the family. In addition, you should not talk to your teen about adultery or other situations that in any way humiliate your dignity.

And in conclusion:

You should not make a psychotherapist out of your child and do not wait for an adult understanding of the situation. The child cannot and should not take on the responsibility of adults. If you fail to end the relationship with dignity and in a civilized manner, do not transfer your negative attitude towards your ex-spouse to your child, do not blame him for what happened. Take good care of your child's feelings.