2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Over the years of psychotherapeutic work, I have empirically established that there are 5 main things that, if done in a relationship with a client, he becomes mentally healthy and happy from this. I also noticed that if parents do these things in relation to children, then children grow up mentally healthy and happy. Even when these 5 things are done to me, I feel complete acceptance and love. This is something that cannot be bought for any money, and because of which it will not be a pity to die. It is a full-blooded and wonderful feeling that can be experienced in life.
What surprised me most was that if all people do this to each other, then they become happy. Even if people do this in relation to animals, then the animals become well-mannered and happy. These 5 things I call "total acceptance and totally human love."
What are these 5 principles?
Principle 1: we must support
When is it correct to support? Only when a person experiences very strong emotions.
In terms of intensity, all emotions are divided into:
Weak. from 1 to 3, which we hardly notice
Average. From 4 to 7. They arise in response to internal needs and external circumstances
Strong. From 8 to 10. They cannot be controlled and cannot be dealt with on your own
What is the main problem when we want to support?
When we perceive another person's negative emotions or stress at our own expense. You think that you are being treated badly, because a person in moments of depression, anger and anxiety can neither love nor show empathy. And you perceive his stress as rejection. You are offended by this, and this is what prevents you from supporting.
Therefore, it is easier to maintain in friendly relations than in close ones. In an intimate relationship, we want to be ourselves, and we have deeper needs that the other person can satisfy.
How to maintain?
Comfort, calm, distract, or make sense of the situation. We do not criticize, do not give advice, do not try to analyze behavior. If a person is pinned 8-10 on the scale of emotions, you need to try to reduce the intensity of the emotions by saying good and kind words. So we normalize the situation and add pluses to it: "You are great, you are strong, you can handle it."
Our task, when a person loses its shores, and his world splits, is to help find advantages in all circumstances, from the outside and with a calmer and healthier perception.
It is very important in such moments to remain calm yourself. We must be a shoulder and a reliable support for a partner. After all, when a person looks at us, he is identified with this calmness. He sees us as a role model and a wall against which he can lean. It is this thing that makes him stop worrying and stressing.
Principle 2: empathy
From the outside, you see a person completely much better than he himself, due to the fact that you direct your attention to him. If you love a person and you are interested in him, this happens naturally. If you don't know something, you are interested in learning more, and this curiosity spurs you on to ask questions and listen to answers. So you help the person to see himself better, so his degree of awareness increases. He complements his own understanding of himself.
Empathy is when, with the help of questions, we help formulate and understand a person's own thoughts and emotions. It is best to do this when the person has an average level of intensity of emotions.
Empathy can be shown:
- to the present (what is happening now),
- to the past (childhood, adolescence, life history)
- towards the future (plans, values, views and ideals).
Empathy is technically very easy. But there are difficulties. If a person has an external problem (at work, with people, etc.), then we can listen to him calmly. But if he has a negative emotion towards us, then it is difficult to show empathy. Here we no longer want to understand, because it requires us to be able to endure criticism.
We may also have emotional needs that contradict who the person really is. We do not want to see a person completely as he is, we want to hang our illusions, we want him to be different. We do not allow a person to be himself.
This is the reason why the therapist can absolutely love and accept you without question, he does it for $ 100 an hour. When a relationship is formed, the emotional needs of both parties must be met. But instead of meeting his needs, the therapist gets paid, which allows him to offset the cost and expense of showing empathy.
You will show empathy unselfishly and sincerely only for those people who you really like and are dear to.
Principle 3: give clear feedback on a person's actions
If a person does something that you do not like, you should give him negative feedback on it, so that in the future he does it less. And if he does what you like, you should give positive feedback on it so that he does it more in the future. If he does something neutral, you give neutral feedback.
Relationship problems, imbalances and disruptions begin when the feedback mechanism is disrupted.
If a person, for example, abuses alcohol or drugs, and you do not give him negative feedback on this, then he does not understand that you do not like it, and continues to do so further. And this behavior of his is only getting stronger. Therefore, it is your responsibility to give feedback.
If you have low self-esteem and deep feelings of guilt, you will give positive feedback on the person's negative actions. He yells at you or hits you, and you kiss and hug him, endure silently and do not fight back. Then the person begins to bloom more and more. This is a direct road to tyrannical relationships.
Also, if a person loves you, gives gifts, then people with low self-esteem develop a feeling of suspicion, and you give negative feedback, for example, you may cry or not answer anything. This will cause your partner to feel embarrassed and no longer do good to you. Positive behavior needs to be reinforced with positive feedback.
This is typical for many codependent women, when a man behaves neutral: he lies on the couch, does nothing to bother himself, there are not enough stars from the sky, and she tries for him. That is, it positively reinforces neutral behavior, preventing a man from developing, growing and becoming better.
When we give feedback, we take care of ourselves so that our emotional needs are met. We realize this through the principle of communication, using the formula of nonviolent communication.
- We say a fact without evaluating what we like or not,
- then we call the emotion that this causes in us,
- we describe a need that is currently being satisfied or not,
- we formulate a clear and specific request, how a person should act in the future.
Principle 4: Express positive emotions to the maximum both in word and deed
Expression of emotion in words is lame in all mankind. When we like a person, we often do not tell him about it. And everyone lives like hedgehogs in a fog, not realizing their strengths, features and abilities. Because of this, people throughout their lives remain insecure and with low self-esteem.
Make it a rule: if you notice something good, say it. Do not be lazy and formulate. You will not only raise the person's self-esteem, but he will also become attached to you as a source of praise.
Principle 5: Non-Violence, Freedom, Honesty and Responsibility for Relationships
Look for the optimal distance in your relationship. People who are initially unhappy and dissatisfied with themselves, when entering into a relationship, are tempted to make the other person the meaning of their lives and a source of happiness. Then they become attached to the person, and he becomes the center for satisfying needs. This leads to the risk of falling into the abyss. You begin to remake a person for yourself, control and criticize. This is especially true in the relationship between parents and children.
You must always remember that I am a human being, and I am on my own. With someone we can be happy, have a wonderful time together, but still I was born alone, and I will die alone. And also people, animals, parents and children - next to us is not forever, everyone will die someday, no matter how good they are. Nobody belongs to you.
This understanding creates the necessary distance that helps in choosing long-term actions for a particular person. If you have a choice to do well for yourself or for him, choose the latter. It helps you treat the person like your best guest, to whom you generously give the very best you have.
The most difficult thing in a relationship is to maintain politeness, tact, mercy and delicacy. The second extreme is being afraid to be honest with your partner. We are afraid of offending him or cause negative emotions, we experience feelings of guilt or shame - this makes us dishonest and limits us.
Relationships should not be hypocritical, fake, or artificial. They must be precious. These 5 principles will make the relationship just like that. Give yourself such a gift.
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