Power Begins With Value

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It so happened that we have been living for almost five years in the attic of a good old house. And sometimes the postman delivering packages to us, through the intercom, asks if it is possible to just leave our package on the "earthen", that is, the first floor on the mailboxes. And we agree, because this does not bother any of the neighbors and it is quite convenient for us and for him.

Today one of our family members received the package like that - on the way for a walk. When I went down to the mailboxes with him, he was forced to find that the tightly sealed package could not be opened without scissors. And then he decided to take the package with him outside, because he already knew that it was a gift for him and he clearly enjoyed the thought-anticipation of this gift. I didn't mind. After all, he is generally accustomed to the fact that his desires are taken into account when making decisions. And besides, it's not a problem at all - putting the bag in the stroller, which you still take with you for a walk when you are two and a half years old.

Power starts with value. That is, from a sense of individual value, which you perceive as something self-evident - if no one questions this value of yours with their attitude towards you. When your feelings and needs are taken into account, you feel that you are valuable. Or, on the contrary, you feel a certain embarrassment and helplessness if you are implicitly told that “it’s not up to you,” “you weren’t asked,” or that you’re not mature enough … And then you yourself don’t talk about something is connected not only with your desires, but also directly with your needs. Your boundaries are violated - you are silent, as if nothing was happening. Your feelings hurt - you do not take yourself under protection, as if it was your intention. Decisions are made for you, which have consequences for you - you do not interfere. … You just do not exercise the power that you have. It would be more accurate if you also had a sense of value.

Then, later, you may “explode”, rebel, or even break off this uncomfortable relationship. Or you feel like an object of abuse, harassment, mobbing and total injustice. Although you could absolutely calmly just express your desire. Or reluctance. And politely ask him to take it into account. And diplomatically insist on this if they don't take it into account the first time.

Or you yourself are trying to exercise your power through pressure and / or manipulation - because you do not believe that the request will give the desired result. You unconsciously see and yourself create struggle and competition where it is possible to create mutually beneficial cooperation … After all, we all believe only in what is already integrated into our individual experience. Too often, we simply reproduce the patterns of thinking and behavior that we once learned from significant loved ones, without subjecting them to rethinking.

The aspect of value, or rather the recognition or denial of value, is always present in human relations. At any level, in any format of relationships - personal or work. In parent-child and matrimonial, organizational-hierarchical, friendly and hostile. And this idea of one's own value and about one's own capabilities and influence is laid in the earliest childhood and in the most insignificant, seemingly, everyday situations.

… And so we took the package and went to the playground. And there one dad is trying to "help" his little daughter to slide down a high hill. Behind the girl, a whole line of older children languishes in impatience, trampling and anticipating their cheerful contentment. Dad sees this line, gets nervous and now and then pushes his daughter, and the girl literally dug her hands into the railing - both the height and the steepness of the slide clearly scare her, fear froze on her face … Some time passes and dad insists, they say, well do not be such a coward … Dad does not do it out of bad intentions, he thinks that this will be better for his daughter. And she does not think about what is actually better here: the desire to quickly achieve a “result” or to listen to the girl's emotions and take them into account. And thus teach the daughter to listen to them herself. Whether to roll or not, what to eat and what not to eat, what to wear and what not to wear, who to be friends with and who to stay away from - all this is about individual decisions. And in order to make the right decisions for yourself, you need to be able to listen to yourself, and this is possible only when someone else who is significant listens to you. And only the one who appreciates you listens to you. And in the end, all this value is about individual power - about the ability to organize the desired format of relations for you and about the ability to stand up for yourself, if anything.

… Because then some grown woman or some grown man comes to me to learn to take care of her boundaries and, above all, to be aware of them. How to realize both his power and his value, which she or he lacked in order to rebuild his relationship according to his own understanding … … About this and how value and individual power “work” and about much else from the field human relations - in my new book, which, I hope, will soon see the light of day.