2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The idea of the intrinsic value of a person is not new, and today it is a logical and widespread opinion that every person is a person, with his own uniqueness and originality. But let's turn to life and what is happening in the minds of modern people.
Technological progress, informatization of society, high pace of life significantly affect the life of a modern person. On the one hand, he needs continuous development and self-development, the ability to be competitive in the profession, in demand in the labor market. At work, he is expected to be productive, high performance, and the ability to propose cost-effective projects.
On the other hand, we hear about an increase in unemployment and the risk of losing jobs - it becomes scary and unstable to live, there is no reliability and stability in the world. It becomes embarrassing to want more (for example, decent wages, decent medical care, respect from bosses and colleagues at work, etc.). “If you don’t like it, go away. Say thank you for that too” - this is what we hear in response to the weak attempts of people to declare their material and, in general, their life troubles.
It seems that our society is still driven by the idea of survival, which is so relevant in the history of the development of our country, but does not at all correspond to the realities of today and the declared values of the personality and individuality of a person. It's great that we know how to survive, and when will we start living?
The pursuit of life achievements, success often lead a modern person to an amazing feeling of being a small cog in a complex device. Perhaps even - a gear, but as they say "horseradish is not sweeter than a radish", this is just a part, the replacement of which will not affect the operation of the entire device in any way. In such a situation, a person becomes depersonalized, loses his sense of self-worth.
The connection between economic development and social consciousness, human psychology in different historical epochs is brilliantly revealed in E. Fromm's books "Escape from Freedom". We live in a market economy and this affects our psychology, attitude. Along with freedom, great opportunities for self-realization, we are faced with a very difficult problem of a modern person - the ability to feel belonging, to be in relationships with other people, based on the recognition of their value and uniqueness.
"Who are we to each other in this world?" - a very difficult question and depending on the answer, we will feel ourselves differently and in a certain way build relationships with other people.
The values of modern society, where the ideas of competition, self-realization, and a constant striving for excellence prevail, also affect the life of modern families. Working with clients, you can often come across a widespread position and a natural desire of parents to give the best to their children - to identify them in gymnasiums, circles of all kinds of development directions, to make sure that they do not need anything and succeed in everything. However, sometimes it seems that these aspirations lead to the opposite results. The child does not accept the generous gifts of the parents and does not live up to their expectations. Or, nevertheless, he achieves success, but at a very high price - at the cost of losing his I, giving up his needs and desires. And after a certain number of years, he sits in front of you in the client's chair and cries bitterly over the lost sense of his worth. No successes bring him joy, they only provide temporary relief. The man tried so hard to achieve perfection in everything that he did not notice how fruitless his life passed. A bitter realization comes that he was and is a means of satisfying the unfulfilled needs of the parent, their dubious attempt to realize themselves through the child's successes and achievements.
This is a narcissistic experience that so often manifests itself in working with outwardly successful people. "Outwardly", since having professional recognition, awards and high position in society, they often remain internally unhappy and lonely. They lack spontaneity, the ability to enjoy, relax and trust other people. You can cite the words of a song from Valery Leontyev's repertoire, illustrating the suffering of such a person: "Life flew by like a fairy ball, only I did not get to it. You know how I was waiting for it …".
Our children need respect for their desires and aspirations, develop in them a sense of their self-worth and the right to live according to their nature.
It is enough to observe a child 2-3 years old to be convinced of this thesis. It is impressive how much he studies the world around him with interest, moves in this space with incredible beauty and strength. Mom can only accompany him in this process, be attentive and supportive, share and share a variety of feelings with him. For example, to console when a child cries after an unsuccessful attempt to climb a hill, to wave his hand to him when he first risked moving away from it for a greater distance; laugh at his joke; be proud of him when he selflessly builds a snowman and grieve together about the loss of his favorite toy, etc.
Allowing the child to live his own life, the value of which does not need to be proved and justified by success in studies and sports, is the guarantee of the psychological health of a beloved child.
What is needed for a sense of self-worth?
To feel self-worth, a person needs to be aware of his emotions, a variety of feelings and live them fully. It's no secret that modern people have great difficulties with this. Some senses are encouraged and some are prohibited in our culture. You have noticed how at important festive events - a graduation party or a wedding, attempts to cry a person who makes a solemn speech are suppressed ("Speak. Well, what are you? This is a holiday. You should be happy, not cry"). It is not accepted to be sad, who needs a sad person? It is not presentable, with this approach there is no chance of achieving success in life, so you need to wear a smile in the morning and, overcoming the treacherous feelings of shame, loneliness and sadness, bring yourself out into the world.
At the same time, emotions are associated with needs and rejecting them, we cease to understand what we want in our life, we really want!
How to regain the lost sense of self-worth? What to do if the history of childhood did not at all contribute to the development of such an important quality in oneself?
To begin with, you need to touch at least a little the truth about yourself and see your different sides. Sometimes I hear from friends, clients, that for this they need to be in silence and figure it out for themselves. The ability of a person to be in solitude is a very important skill, testifying to personal maturity. But it is also true that in many respects only through the Other do we begin to better understand ourselves. It is the Other that we need in order to realize who we really are.
When there is awareness of your feelings, different sides, then you do not need to unsuccessfully eradicate the shortcomings. It is important to see resources and draw on your different experiences. Thus, our personality becomes deeper and wider - and the world is seen in different shades, there is no need to constantly defend the illusion of being right and complain about its imperfection.
If the feeling of dissatisfaction with oneself and others does not leave, you need the courage to come to psychotherapy. And it will take time and money, but there is a chance to change your life and start building it consciously. After all, at first it seems that there is no choice, nothing can be changed. It is impossible to receive love from an unloving parent, it is impossible to return the deceased, and much more. Childhood has passed, but the family is as it is and there will never be another.
It takes time to feel the value of psychotherapy. At the same time, it is necessary to endure the inevitable disappointment from her. After all, at first there are a lot of expectations, I want a miracle so that everything changes at once. The therapist seems to you to be that magician who knows the universal recipe for finding peace and happiness. Clients sometimes say, "I think you know the secret." Hence - and at certain stages of therapy, the client's desire to devalue the work and even attempts to stop this process by abandoning it.
A separate aspect of such work is the reaction of the relatives of a person who has come to therapy. Very often they doubt the effectiveness of such an event, they are not ready for the changes that inevitably occur during therapy. It turns out that their loved one can get angry, demand, stop trying to like it and have the audacity to say "no" to those who raised him and taught him obedience.
If we talk about the family, the separation process is very complicated and sometimes painful for both parties. On the other hand, after going through the path of self-knowledge and experiencing a variety of experiences, we become stronger and freer, we learn to be grateful to those who raised us according to their views and ideas, as well as psychological difficulties.
In Gestalt therapy, they speak of presence, the ability of the therapist to be around. Of course, he has a certain power, it is important for him to maintain a therapeutic position. The client also comes for help, rightly expecting quality services from the psychologist. At the same time, this fact does not negate the possibility of a therapist-client relationship based on the acceptance of each other's intrinsic value on this joint journey. In my opinion, this is both a condition and an indicator of the success of therapy.
What is the manifestation of a sense of self-worth?
- Respect for your needs and feelings;
- The recognition of such by the Other;
- Ability to defend your boundaries;
- Acceptance of different parts of your personality and the ability to integrate them with each other;
- In the ability to admire another person in the process of communication.
The wonderful Italian gestalt therapist Spaniolo M. Lobb says in his book "Now for next. Present for the future":
"Therapy should restore sensitivity to the body and provide the tools to support horizontal relationships so that people can feel recognized in the views of their peers."
What does it mean "to be recognized in the views of others" …?
When you can carefully look at each other and feel the opportunity to be close to your differences, your imperfection.
When you can admire another person and see the meaning in the very process of communication, and not in using it as a means of satisfying your needs.
When you do not need to wait for approval and unsuccessfully strive to meet the expectations of others, losing your spontaneity and ease.
When you can slow down in the rapid pace of life, the race for achievements and meet the eyes of the Other - to meet and enjoy this moment …
Recommended:
When Looking For Big Love (Hellinger's Constellation)
Sometimes it's hard to meet your love. All relationships seem superficial, and feelings are not "real" enough. Years pass in search of Big Love. The constellation helps to shorten this process. A young attractive woman came to the constellation, let's call her conditionally Olya.
About Intrinsic Value. "It Turns Out You Can Not Like It!"
It turns out you can not like it … More precisely, do not do it on purpose. Ok, now I'll tell you my story. A long long time ago, I learned long and hard to please others. Because … well, because "it should be." I suppose this is familiar to many.
Why Do You Value Yourself?
Sometimes a person asks the question: "What is my value? Why do I value myself? Why do others value me?" Value is what is valuable, meaningful, useful. A person judges his own value in terms of significance to others. For example, "
10 Psychologist's Tips For Those Who Are Looking For Love On The Internet
The current century is the age of the Internet, and acquaintances smoothly flow into the virtual space. What can you do to make your online acquaintance successful, and you meet the person you need: Think about who you are looking for .
Investigating Ourselves: Realized And Forgotten Parts Of The "I". We Return The Lost Subpersonalities
Friends, I want to remind you of one useful technique, supplementing it with my own material. Valuable and nutritious! From the perspective of research and activation of personal capabilities and resources! So… Psychological task. Investigating ourselves:
