Marriage Begins In Childhood

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

According to the results of listening to the radio of the fantasy theater Danilina A. G. "12 steps to love."

"All happy families are alike. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way" Tolstoy (Anna Karenina)

It is possible to argue that things are exactly the opposite: all unhappy families are equally unhappy. The cause of the unhappiness is the mismatch of children's expectations of either one of the members of the couple, or both, with real life.

All unhappy families are equally unhappy because their partners live in childhood fears and hopes, projecting them onto another. and without even trying to understand this very other. Often, stable families and spouses who have been married for 20 years know almost nothing about each other. And perhaps a complete escape from understanding the other, when everyone lives their own life, and there is the most frequent variant of stable marriages ?!

Each of us experiences some form of mental trauma during childhood. And in all unhappy marriages, one or both partners try to compensate for their childhood traumas with the help of a spouse. In fact, all of these childhood traumas are also very similar to each other.

The first standard set of sensations for our inner child is the feeling that another person is suppressing us, constantly invading our personal space, causing harm or pain. Yes, in this case we are talking about rather powerful and categorical parents who try to control every step of the child.

The second option eliminates excessive control, and is uncontrolled. And complete lack of control, this is a feeling of abandonment, abandonment on the part of a loved one.

So, either the feeling that the other is suppressing us or the feeling of abandonment and abandonment. Of course, each of these injuries manifests itself to one degree or another.

A child who grew up in conditions of excessive parental control naturally gets some inner feeling about his own powerlessness in the face of another person. And how can we react to the absolute and total superiority of our parent / partner?

The child can develop 3 strategies:

1 - evasion - an attempt to expose oneself to the tyrant's blow as rarely as possible. Such children grow up with the habit of lying. They lie without special goals, just in case, so as not to expose themselves to harm. They also shy away from their duties, responsibilities, postponing until tomorrow what can be done today, displacing or forgetting their promises, coming up with all possible tricks. In this way, they avoid emotionally charged moments in the relationship. And, of course, they will avoid showing their difference from others - it is dangerous, to show individuality, it is better to deceive in order to meet the expectations of the parents.

2 - feeling powerless, the child goes on strike, i.e. trying to gain power so as not to depend on the people around us. The child is trying to learn how to control his parent in order to become stronger than him.

3 - in it, the child learns to yield, to curry favor, to please our parents in the hope of softening them, gaining approval, and moderating their power over us. This is a program of obedience, an attempt to yield to the will of other people in everything, to correspond to their desires. Ultimately, in this version, a person ceases to be himself as a person, to be a separate value, an individuality. And in this case, so much anger accumulates inside the child, against control and oppression, that most often this anger will manifest itself through somatic diseases.

In the case of abandonment and abandonment, as an existential trauma of a child, there are 3 strategies:

1 - an attempt to devalue myself: “I am guilty that I was not of any value to my parents”, “all my individual desires and talents are not suitable and wrong. I have no right to my opinion and my own life. I must be like someone else"

2 - the child's attempt to compensate for the lack of attention from the parents. And with all his might he is trying to prove his worth, cleverness. Such people very often achieve their goals and become rich and famous, but they do not receive any satisfaction from their importance, because inside they constantly have the feeling that they have no right to love. And this is the "eternally hungry void" that needs food over and over again. And how much love the other did not give him, it will not seem enough all the time, since the other (husband / wife) is in no way the mother or father of the abandoned child. Therefore, they constantly change partners, in an attempt to fill this void, and do not understand that it is only possible to fill it with themselves.

3 - "soft form of power" - such people try to forcibly wrest love and favor, respect, approval from others. More often they try to become absolutely irreplaceable for their partner, to play a decisive role in all spheres of his life. In other words, turn your partner into your child. And even parents who claim that they sacrifice themselves for the sake of absolutely everything to ensure the life of their child, in fact send him a signal "you can not live without me. You completely need me and will always need." But in reality it is the mother who needs the child.

And also, children who have experienced complete control and survived abandonment still have the opportunity to receive surrogate love, substitution love. In this case, children may try to get love in alcohol and drugs, support in a church community or sect, emotions from continuous watching TV series, social networks. Often we project our emotional needs onto things, which is what we call shopping.

And it is surprising that it is in marriage and relationships that these patterns are turned on at full power. It is in marriage that we will try to reproduce our relationship with our parents. Unless, of course, we have enough imagination to begin to understand the Other.

The simplest classification of strategies in which everyone can recognize themselves, their unhappiness in marriage. The way out is quite simple, it consists in an attempt to acknowledge the otherness of the Other, to acknowledge that the other is not you!

It is necessary to understand what program you have dragged with you from childhood. If we learn to understand this, then such work can make our relationship and marriage happy.