2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Although the topic of sexuality in our mentality is taboo seriously and for a long time, I love and respect this energy. It seems to me that so much confusion, shame, fear, and sometimes disgust and anger, behind which not always early traumas are hidden, but also a simple lack of awareness, does not cause any other question in adults. Precisely because it is still generally not accepted to talk about sex in the society of decent and respected people, it remains an important cause of divorce and conflict in a couple.
By sex, I don't mean just the act of intercourse itself.
Sex is something that pervades the relationship of love partners at all levels. Sexuality is first of all sensuality, not technology, it is how I live in my body. Always, not just during intercourse. How I let him live next to my partner's body, and how I let my partner's body live next to mine. It is the same: what and how my partner allows me and his body.
The body in which the psyche lives. Do I like being close, do I like the smell, laughter, reactions, thoughts, actions, and even the value of someone who is so close?
Sexual issues are complex in that they are often accompanied by a mass of not exclusively pleasant, but always strong emotions, and as a result - excessive tension. People who take into account and respect their own and partner's sexuality are forced to work harder in relationships. They form a broader view of relationships. Sexuality is not a separate locker that the two of us look into once a week or a month - whoever needs it. And even more so - not what we allow the partner to take from us, after enduring and serving our "debt", or exchanging for some of his resources. Sexual sensitivity in partners complicates the relationship. Of course, it enriches, but complicates. It is more difficult to build boundaries, to live through conflicts, it is more difficult to withstand one's own vulnerability, and sometimes the vulnerability of another.
To be sensual and at the same time to remain stable, sane, rational is, indeed, very difficult. This is a lot of work.
Few find it easier to build a complementary relationship when one is stable, the other is sensual. Or when both are stable, and the search for sensuality occurs on the side. Depending on the capabilities and limitations of a particular pair. Distortions often appear here.
The study of sexuality in therapy calls into question the main thing - our identity. We are forced to begin to doubt some unshakable knowledge about ourselves, before we learn something new. And then we will need to make friends with this new thing that already exists, sometimes having previously thrown out what turned out to be unnecessary, or, as it turned out, that does not belong to us, or worse - very valuable, but, suddenly, interfering. Increasing sensitivity does not guarantee convenience at all, which is a separate job to achieve. It only helps in orientation. With time.
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