The Norm Of Sexuality. Exercise "What's My Sexuality"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

If you are wondering: is your sexuality normal, is your sexual preference normal, and what is the norm in our modern world in general, and what pathology is in sex, then I think this article will be useful for you. In this article I will open a little for you my vision of the norms of sexuality.

There are several points of view from which the norm of sexuality can be viewed.

For example, from a religious point of view, normal sexual relationships are those we enter into in order to conceive a child. Of course, in different religious directions they can relate to this in different ways, but if in general it is so.

If we take biological criteria and look from the point of view of biology, then normal sexual relations will be mutually complementary, according to the principle of complementarity between men and women. Accordingly, homosexuality in the biological sense is not the norm.

If we take the legal criterion, then everything that does not contradict the legislation and does not interfere with society, which is accepted in this society by law, will be the norm.

I, of course, consider the norm of sexuality from the point of view of psychology, psychotherapy, from the point of view of gestalt therapy. Because Gestalt therapy itself, in its essence, is relationship therapy and relationship therapy, that is, it is very much tied to relationships. Accordingly, in my opinion, sexuality is also a contact thing, that is, everything is good that is good for both, for these two people. In my opinion, the norm of sexuality is when people voluntarily, without coercion, enter into sexual relations, without experiencing feelings of guilt or manipulation by a partner, when it is pleasant and enhances a sense of self-esteem. When the relationship is not harmful to health, society, community or other people.

Accordingly: if, for example, I am in a relationship with a man with whom we have been fond of for a long time, we are engaged in swingers, he likes it, I like it, everyone is pleased, everything is fine. But if, for example, I break up with this man and meet another. Who does not like swinging, for him it is disgust, he breaks himself, oversteps himself. For example, at the moments when I start to manipulate him or play with a feeling of fear: if I leave you, if we do not do this, then this is no longer the norm. That is, you always need to look at two people: if both like it, then that's good.

Our beloved Uncle Freud also said that the only perversion in sex is its absence. That is, make it a rule for yourself: do not rely on authorities, the vision of other couples, on what they write on the Internet, but rely only on yourself, your own sexuality, your own needs for sex.

In order to better understand what your sexuality is, here is a simple exercise.

Exercise "What's My Sexuality"

It is best if you do this exercise with your partner, or do it yourself, but ask your partner to do the exercise at a convenient time for him.

Take a pen, paper and write in a column, in several columns, in a line, as it is convenient for you, all the words that you associate with sex and sexuality.

For example: Panties, man, hands, excitement, eyes, passion, adventure … Write whatever comes to your mind, even if it doesn't seem to fit the situation very well. For example, the word "adventure" - at first glance, it may seem that this is not much about sex, but the associations that have arisen can connect with this word. You had an adventure while traveling and the adventure ended with epic sex. That is, write everything that comes to mind, you will analyze it later. Give yourself the opportunity to dream up, completely immerse yourself in the process. Only after completing this part of the exercise, proceed to the second.

Second part of the exercise: Take another piece of paper and break it into four columns. Title the first: "Everything that turns me on." The second column is “Everything that displeases me”, the third column is “Everything that worries me”. And the fourth - “Everything I’m afraid of”, there will be everything here: I’m afraid, I don’t want to try at all, and so on. The next step will be the distribution of the word associations that you wrote on the first sheet in these four columns. Do not start the third part of the exercise until you have finished the second.

The third part will be more contact, here you will need your sexual partner or friend, a friend whom you trust (if there is no partner at the moment). You need to take turns with your partner, pronounce all the words from the list. You can first pronounce all the associations from the first sheet, and then discuss what you like and what you don't like. When you say these words, try to listen to yourself, what you feel, how you feel, how difficult it is to pronounce a word, how easy it is, whether after pronouncing a word, excitement or, on the contrary, awkwardness or shame appears. It may be such that you cannot pronounce a certain word at all, just say it. Try to be as attentive to yourself as possible, and your partner to yourself. Perhaps, sometimes you need a little pause, do it.

Do the exercise slowly. On the go, say: cowards, a man, sex, pleasure, passion, it will not work. Do something like this: panties, pause, infatuation, pause. You can discuss every word, ask questions of your man or woman. Try to understand what the association word is talking about? Why is the word "travel" about sex, ask, answer? After all, behind every word there can be a whole story. If you manage to do the exercise in this expanded way, you will be able to understand and see each other's sexual preferences much better. And the very sexuality of your couple will be able to significantly increase, transform, and even more energy will appear in this process.

Also listen carefully to your partner, give him a feedback: your feelings, sensations. Try to turn off judgment, shame at this moment and try to listen in a neutral position, if this does not concern you. Just listen to the person, about how he has it all arranged. Try to turn off your head, in terms of: "Well, how can this be?" Just feel, this exercise is aimed specifically at feelings, feelings and sensations.

Review all four columns with your partner. Perhaps you will even find something that will surprise you that so many years together, and saw something new on his list. It often happens during sessions that partners say: “This is the first time I hear this from you,” “This is the first time I learned this from you,” although people have been living together for three, five, ten years.

Next, I would like to consider with you the criteria for sexual health from the point of view of psychology and psychological factors, which may also entail physiological factors. But, before we move on to these criteria, I would like to talk about the cycle of sexual contact. There is a cycle of contacts in a relationship, and if we speak in the context of our topic, then we will consider the cycle of sexual contact. It can be pictured or imagined as an unfinished circle that has eight points.

The first point is sexual interest. It begins to manifest itself even in adolescence or a little earlier, when people first begin to show interest in sex: the question arises, what is it, etc. In adulthood, we too can show an interest in sex by learning about any innovations or the like. For example: what is swinging, and what is sex-waif, and who has how it works. That is, any discoveries and knowledge in terms of sexual relations.

The second part of the cycle of sexual contact is sexual desire. When an object appears for which sexual desire arises. In this cycle, we can decide whether to go into this relationship or not, right or wrong, good or bad, etc.

The next part of sexual contact is sexual arousal. Here we already go into this contact, the body begins to prepare for sex, the genitals change, the female organs are moistened, the male ones increase.

The fourth part of the sexual contact cycle is a plateau. This is sexual contact itself, frictions, various sexual caresses, etc.

The next part of the sexual cycle is orgasm.

The sixth part of the sexual contact cycle is resolution, when the body calms down, returns to its normal state, from arousal to normal.

The seventh part of the contact cycle is the refractory period. This is when touching the body, especially the genitals, may be not only unpleasant, but even negatively perceived when the body is at the peak of its sensitivity. This is the period when a man and a woman are recovering. A man needs a break between one intercourse and the second. And the refractory period of women can take a few seconds or minutes, much less than that of men.

And, accordingly, the eighth part of the contact cycle is the stage of integration, when we process the received sexual experience. This stage usually occurs when partners part ways or simply silently analyze each one on their own. They come to a conscious or unconscious conclusion, making a conclusion about that: liked it, did not like it, what it liked, what was good, and what should have been done better?

So why is it necessary to know the cycle of sexual contact when considering criteria for sexual health? One of the criteria for sexual health is the ability to go through this entire cycle of contact from start to finish, as well as the ability to stop this cycle at some stage, when, for example, it becomes unbearable. Why? Because there are people who have sexual intercourse, regardless of their desire. They cannot deny their desire, their arousal, or their partner. Accordingly, if there is no such ability: to interrupt this sexual cycle of contact, then the person inside will suffer very much. Or if you notice breakdowns in some or any part of the contact cycle, then this may also indicate sexual ill health.

Often there are breakdowns at the stage of sexual desire, when the thought arises that it is abnormal to have sex there, with this or at such a time, in general, any such beliefs. How it works? First, sexual desire appears, but the head starts to work, thoughts go: he is married or not now, or this should be done only at night, or only in the morning, or it cannot be done so often. And of course this leads to a breakdown of the cycle of sexual contact.

Try to analyze and walk through this contact cycle, asking yourself: how long does this or that part take for you, how does it arise, where in the contact cycle does your contact break, what attitudes work for you? If you notice the installation, it is, of course, better to disassemble it with someone. Especially often, attitudes come from the family, even non-verbalized, it was just that it was accepted in the family - and you picked up this and everything, even without suspecting anything, because it is very unconscious. And, of course, if there are breakdowns, then it is better to work out these breakdowns.

The second part of the criteria for sexual health is tenderness, intimacy and aggressiveness. By tenderness I mean, the very ability to give and take affection, verbal or non-verbal, i.e. say some kind of tenderness or show them bodily, give and take. I notice that many have such a prescription: "I have no right to relax and have fun, I must / must satisfy a partner or partner."If there is such an attitude, this is also a violated sexuality, because with this approach there will be no complete pleasure from sex.

Next is proximity. Intimacy is not just about engaging in sexual intercourse. After all, in fact, you can enter into a sexual act with everyone. But the ability to come exactly to the territory of your partner, the ability to invite a partner to your territory. And here we are not talking about your apartment, house or cottage. This is the territory of the soul, spiritual closeness, to let a person into himself, to enter this person himself and at the same time without experiencing the fear of absorption, the fear of some kind of manipulation. Difficulties can arise here for people who have childhood traumas, some kind of violent attachment or false attachments, for example: a codependent relationship with a mother or a merged relationship. Archaic fear of absorption can be a strong hindrance to sexuality from being normal, so that there is true intimacy. So that sex was filled with this intimacy.

And about aggressiveness is the ability to say or show your partner or partner: what you want from him or her. Take from him or her what you want and give what he or she wants. There is a very important point here: if you do not recognize, give free rein and the right to be your aggressiveness, then there will be no tenderness and closeness either. Therefore, it is important to figure out: how is your aggression. Aggressiveness does not have to be expressed in words, try to show your partner your needs, desires, etc.

Listen to yourself and your desires, because this is very important!