2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I always dreamed of my son, imagined how I would nurse him, how I would drive and pick him up from the kindergarten. For eight long years I could not get pregnant, which I just did not do: I was treated in various expensive clinics, did operations, drank hormones, went to different miracle-grandmothers and miracle-grandfathers, unquestioningly followed them, sometimes absolutely crazy recommendations, but all to no avail. On a par with this, I worked on this topic in psychology. Sometimes it even seemed to me that I was going crazy, I dreamed of children, (the field was doing its job) I began to notice them everywhere, on the street, on TV, in conversations with others, children, children, children …. From this, the feeling of inferiority grew. And when I practically despaired, gave up any treatment, left only study in psychology, six months later I became pregnant! HURRAH!!
Now my beloved, long-awaited son goes to kindergarten, he is 2.5 years old and my profession of a psychologist leaves its imprints. Every time in relation to him, I weigh my words and actions, I want to avoid the mistakes of my parents, to educate him correctly. Correct in my understanding: This is to instill in him a sense of the security and reliability of this world, to give him a feeling of unconditional love and acceptance, to show him that he is good and the world around him is good, to instill love and respect for loved ones….
And just recently, I came across a very interesting parable on the Internet that made me think and reconsider my attitude to upbringing, I want to share it with you:
The parable of the mother and son
“Someday I will have a son and I’ll do the opposite. From the age of three I will repeat to him: “Darling! You don't have to become an engineer. You don't have to be a lawyer. It doesn't matter who you become when you grow up. Do you want to be a pathologist? To your health! A football commentator? Please!
A clown in the mall? Great choice!"
And in his thirtieth birthday he will come to me, this sweaty balding clown with smudges of makeup on his face, and say: “Mom! I'm thirty years old! I'm a clown in the mall! Is this the kind of life you wanted for me? What did you think, Mom, when you told me that higher education is not necessary? What did you want, mom, when you let me play with the boys instead of math?"
And I will say: “Honey, but I followed you in everything, I didn’t want to put pressure on you! You didn't like math, you liked to play with the younger kids. And he
he will say: “I didn’t know what it would lead to, I was a child, I couldn’t decide anything, and you, you, you broke my life” - and rub his lipstick over his face with a dirty sleeve. And then I will get up, look at him carefully and say: “So that's it. There are two types of people in the world: some live, and the second are looking for the guilty. And if you do not understand this, then you are an idiot."
He will say "ah" and faint. Psychotherapy will take about five years.
Or not. Someday I will have a son, and I will do the opposite. From the age of three I will repeat to him: “Don't be an idiot, Vladik, think about the future. Learn math, Vladik, if you don't want to be a call center operator all your life."
And in his thirtieth birthday he will come to me, this sweaty balding programmer with deep wrinkles on his face, and say: “Mom! I'm thirty years old. I work at Google. I work twenty hours a day, Mom. I have no family. What did you think, Mom, when you said that a good job would make me happy?
What did you want, mom, when you made me learn math?"
And I will say: “Dear, but I wanted you to get a good education! I wanted you to have every opportunity, dear. " And he will say: “What the hell do I have to do if I’m unhappy, Mom? I walk past the clowns in the mall and I envy them, Mom. They are happy. I could be in their place, but you, you, you broke my life”- and rub the bridge of his nose under his glasses with his fingers. And then I will get up, look at him carefully and say: “So that's it. There are two types of people in the world: some live, and the other complain all the time. And if you do not understand this, then you are an idiot."
He will say "oh" and faint. Psychotherapy will take about five years.
Or in another way. Someday I will have a son, and I will do the opposite.
I will repeat to him from the age of three: “I am not here to repeat something. I'm here to love you. Go to your dad, dear, ask him, I don't want to be extreme again."
And on his thirtieth birthday he will come to me, this sweaty balding director with a Central Russian melancholy in his eyes, and say: “Mom! I'm thirty years old. I've been trying to get your attention for thirty years, Mom. I dedicated ten films and five performances to you. I wrote a book about you, Mom. I don't think you care. Why have you never expressed your opinion? Why did you keep referring me to my dad?"
And I will say: “Dear, but I didn’t want to decide anything for you! I just loved you, dear, and we have a dad for advice. " And he will say: “What the hell to daddy’s advice to me if I asked you, mom? I've been seeking your attention all my life, Mom. I'm obsessed with you, mom. I am ready to give everything, if only once, at least once to understand what you think of me. With your silence, your aloofness, you, you, you broke my life”- and theatrically throws his hand to his forehead. And then I will get up, look at him carefully and say: “So that's it. There are two types of people in the world: some live, and the second are always waiting for something. And if you do not understand this, then you are an idiot."
He will say "ah" and faint. Psychotherapy will take about five years.
This text is a good prevention of our maternal perfectionism - the desire to be the perfect mom. Relax! No matter how hard we try to be good mothers, our children will still have something to tell their
psychotherapist.
I came to the conclusion that in the pursuit of the right thing and the right thing, what is real, alive, is being missed. It is impossible to do everything right, if only because of the way we adults present information and how children perceive it, these are two different parallels. The main thing is to be with the child, to love him, to rejoice in his victories and to enjoy what he is. The child subconsciously considers it better than any words.
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