Why Do I Feel Abandoned?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Feeling abandoned is one of the most common causes of discomfort and dissatisfaction in life. The experience is always based on an unfavorable situation that could arise during intrauterine development, in infancy or childhood, and most often is not a deliberate rejection, but rather some kind of action on the part of adults, which the child perceived as rejection. For example: absence of a father; overworked, tired mom; parents cold towards the child; the birth of a younger brother or sister; the death of a grandfather or grandmother, to whom he is very attached

For some, these events pass without any particular consequences, while for others they are traumatic.

Why is this happening?

Each of us has experience in separation. Over time, the child notices that mom and dad are not always at his disposal, ready to satisfy all desires without exception. Children experience this moment in different ways. Parents, in turn, either notice, take into account the child's experiences and fears, or for various reasons (parenting style; lack of time, attentiveness, sensitivity) only increase his anxiety. In this case, mom and dad fail to maintain the separation of children so that they do not lose confidence and a sense of security, most often due to the fact that the parents themselves do not have a positive experience in this.

Such a traumatic episode is usually forgotten, because, as it seems to us, there is nothing more normal and natural than the birth of a younger brother, or, for example, parents who work a lot and spend little time at home. In the same way, we forget the experiences that arose in response to these events: sadness, anxiety, sadness, anger, resentment. And then, feelings turn out to be kind of illogical, because, they tell us: “brother is good”, “mom and dad are trying for you at work”. And the child's anxiety and anger still remain, and in the future, the feeling that these experiences are not appropriate, are not adequate to the situation, should not arise, and, most importantly, the right to experience them disappears.

But even suppressed emotions don't go anywhere. Logically, we come to the conclusion: since we were left (abandoned), did not pay enough attention, it means that we are not worthy of love and acceptance. And in the future, this conviction will underlie all our social and love relationships. Thus, in adulthood, we rush between hypercommunicability and hyperaggressiveness: although a person experiences a deep need to be accepted and loved, nevertheless, subconsciously provokes rejection in his address, being convinced that sooner or later he will still have to meet with him in relationships, because that's what happened in childhood. A vicious circle that leads to paradoxical behavior. For example, a successful adult man who makes a lot of effort to be a highly regarded professional and respected employee at work, but at the same time sacrifices his personal life; as a teenager who does not cease to resist parents and at the same time feels the need for their love; as a very restrained child who does everything possible so as not to interfere, not to contradict and not to displease his mother, thinking that only in this case she will love him. This behavior is based on the fear of rejection and the fear of abandonment.

There are special relationships where the trauma of rejection becomes even more pronounced - this is the relationship in a couple, falling in love and love, the time when there is an increase in sensitivity.

The couple is exactly the place where we implement all our behaviors that we acquired in the past, projecting our childhood anxiety onto the partner. For example, a man who lives in fear that his wife will leave him, and starts several parallel affairs with other women "just in case." Or a girl who dreams of a long-term relationship has already run away from men several times when they offered her to marry, because she is afraid of not living up to their expectations. This suffering has two origins: the fear of not living up to the partner's expectations and the belief that a breakup is inevitable. And when such a situation happens, it is perceived as another proof that we are not worthy of love.

What can parents do?

Nowadays there is a great temptation to protect our children from such experiences at all costs. But be careful not to go to extremes, balance is very important. It is about ensuring that the child has a positive separation experience without losing confidence in the parents and without facing intense fear and anxiety. Just as the desire of parents to make a child more independent before he is ready for it is dangerous, in the same way, overprotection leads to a feeling of abandonment. From an early age, it is helpful to give your baby some time to explore himself, develop his creativity, spontaneity and curiosity. Now there is a tendency to over-occupy the child with something, to be constantly around, without stopping to explain to him everything that is happening around him, to anticipate actions and states, thus depriving him of the opportunity to go through his own new experience and the ability to cope with loneliness in the absence of parents.

What should adults do?

In adulthood, it is important for us to note the fact that we OURSELVE most often provoke rejection, because this mechanism has been entrenched since childhood: we deal with the world in a way that is familiar to us, we do it unconsciously, because we do not know how to do it differently … And the task is not to rush to take any action in each specific case, but to try to notice what situation we are in, what kind of person is next to us, what and what experiences move us when we want to act one way or another.

Do not rush to make sudden movements, listen to yourself: what are you experiencing and what are the origins of these experiences?

To do this, you need to develop sensitivity, to deal with resentment, anger, anxiety and fear - with all the feelings that were "frozen" in childhood. Notice them, worry, talk about them, turn to another, share, ask what is happening to your partner - how he feels. After all, we are not small children, and we already have much more resources to stay in touch, be aware of and talk about ourselves.